Twosday Night Fun

No literary acrobatics today (ok, maybe some). Just the straight scoop and a pictorial presentation from Cougar Central.

The Cougars played a doubleheader last night and lost both games.

Before the double feature, we started out with the annual team picture. All 16 teammates in one place at one time. First time ever. Just short of a miracle.

In the opener, we played the Brown Stars and lost 4-3. We made a run for it in the bottom of the 7th but could not close the deal.

It was a well fought game highlighted by a Fortier HR. He was in the on-deck circle and said it was about time he hit a deep shot to the right center gap, which he proceeded to do and then he pranced around all four bases.

Marc, or Lil' Rads, as he is known on the South Side, played in his first game in over 18 months. He showed no signs of rust at the plate or in the field. He hustled all over the park and showed no signs that his daily Portillo's lunch is slowing him down.

Speaking of slowing down, the Brown Stars must have taken Joe D's advice to slow the game down when the other team is starting to rally. In the bottom of the 7th inning as we were mounting a comeback, the catcher for the Brown Stars just about passed out from heat exhaustion. We stopped the game for about 10 minutes so we could tend to his needs. Well, we is not precise. Hoglund, who is a true clutch player and has experience in these matters, calmed and cared for the worried and overheated catcher until backup arrived.

In this picture, Dan truly made the play of the game.

I traded emails with Captain Brown Star and found out that his catcher was admitted to the hospital last night as a precautionary measure but is now doing well and coming home today.

After all the flashing red exited the field, the Cougars went down the ROY G BIV spectrum and next up was Team Orange.

We have been slaughtered each time against Team Orange and have never played more than 5 innings against them. Last year, we lost 18-1 to them. And in our first Cougar game ever against them, we lost 36-1. They were so strong, we thought Orange juiced.

Team Orange is the two-time defending league champion. This year, our goal was to play seven full innings and stay competitive.

We achieved our goal and only lost 6-1. Our defense and pitching were the drivers to our successful effort. With just one run every game, our hitting and run production have been very consistent. Well, except for Oxer.

Oxer is putting on a hitting clinic over the last few games. He is smashing the ball and fist bumping all over the field.


JOx has graciously offered up his hitting knowledge with any slumping Cougars.

Other highlights included Flandog's flawless infield play, Martin's taunting third base action, and Melchiorre's and Martin's stellar high arcs on the mound.

It was one of our better efforts and we are anxious to beat them in the playoffs.

After the game, the Cougar clan headed over to the Fortier pad.

The postgame was nothing short of spectacular. Susan and Steve put on quite an event. Everyone had a blast.

We may have gone 0-2 on the night (and Diddy was 0-3 on the night - he subbed for Tappers after our two games) but given that all 16 guys were there for the annual team picture and the postgame was top-notch, I say that we started and ended the night as winners.

Here is a big shout out to all of our families and friends who helped make it a picture perfect night.

Hoosier Daddy

Captain Cougar's day job took him to Cleveland and caused him to miss another game. So Scott agreed to let me write another blog entry if I could meet (or at least come closer to) the normal Wednesday delivery.

Given my short deadline, I figured I needed a framework to build around. So I'm trotting out the tired "compare something to movie quotes" gimmick. (Next week: a running diary of the Cougars game.) I must say, it's not hard to see why a columnist (or in this case, a Published Blogger) would resort to this device -- it gives you license to jump from topic to topic with no need to even attempt to create some sort of cohesive narrative, and, most importantly, it allows the writer to literally cut and paste half of the column.

But the only question was which movie. Given that the Cougars are almost always the ultimate underdogs, the lovable losers, the Cinderella story waiting to happen, the first thought was a classic underdog sports movies. But which one? As hard as I looked, I couldn't find a 16" softball classic movie. I could have went with the obvious worst-to-first baseball classic, The Bad News Bears. A few weeks ago, the analogy would have been more apt, at least when it came to the Bears' skipper, Mr. Buttermaker, and our manager, Mr. Radtke.


Alas, the analogy is less compelling now that our formerly unemployed, unkempt, beer-swilling leader is now employed, kempt and beer-sipping.

Undeterred, I turned to the best sports movie of all time, Hoosiers, for the memorable quotes below.

Preacher Purl: And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it. And it struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground. Amen.

• The parallels between David, Hickory High and the Cougars are eerie. All three were outmanned underdogs courageously facing an epic battle with a superior foe. Well, I guess that's about it.

Coach Norman Dale: If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners.

• While our effort and concentration cannot be questioned, the scoreboard at the end of the game said Hitmen 17, Cougars 13. In my book, that makes us losers.

Coach Norman Dale: I've seen you guys can shoot but there's more to the game than shooting. There's fundamentals and defense.

• The Cougars' D was not flawless this week, but we had our moments. There was a beautiful Martin-Brennan-Bender double play to quell a Hitmen uprising in the second. Diamond Dave Melchiorre had several nice plays on the mound. Dan "Stabber" Bookstaber patrolled right field like a hawk, robbing the Hitmen of several hits and putting on a good show for his expanding clan. And of course, Zinedine Oxer put on a show of his own, scoring a beautiful goal on a strong volley from thirty yards out. It was a shame the ump decided to disallow JOx's goal and instead award the Hitmen with a goal, er, run of their own. (Or at least that's what we think the ump decided, he never actually made a call.) The upshot was that Oxer's one-inning foray in short center only solidified his standing at catcher.

Wilbur 'Shooter' Flatch: Clete, you tell him. Sectionals of '33, one point down. Five, four, three, two, one, let 'er fly... in and out. Yeah, well, I was fouled...

• The Cougars weren't the only ones to make memorable plays in the field. Just as Shooter was describing in dramatic detail his shot at glory that came up just short, one day Flynner will have his own story: "Cougars game of '10. Bender up. Line drive over my head. I turn to my left. I turn to my right. I backpedal. I reach up...ball hits off my hand, I tumble over backwards, Bender gets a triple. Yeah, well, sun was in my eyes." (It was great to see Flynn and Melchiorre make the extra effort to play in the Cross-Town Classic before heading off to band camp.)
  

Coach Norman Dale: [as Rade gets up to check in the first game after Merle fouls out, even though Coach Dale has benched him] Where are you going?
Coach Norman Dale: [Rade, puzzled, looks at him] Sit down.
Rade: You gotta have five out there!
Coach Norman Dale: Sit... down!
Referee: You need one more, coach.
Coach Norman Dale: My team's on the floor!

• In a movie filled with great scenes, this is one of the best. Luckily, the Cougars' team on the field didn't have to play shorthanded. Huge thanks to our three replacements, Tim Brennan, Edwin Bender and Cleland Noe for helping the Cougars, who were decimated by injury (Lipinski), fundraisers (Flannery), business travel (Rads, Fortier), Rock Lobsters (Hoglund), coaching (Trouter) and other preoccupations that I'm sure were equally important.

Coach Norman Dale: Strap, in for Everett. Don't shoot the ball unless you're under the basket all by yourself!
Coach Norman Dale: What's gotten into you?
Strap Purl: The Lord! I can feel His strength!
Coach Norman Dale: Well... keep His strength in the dribble alright?

• After going into an extended slumber for a few weeks, the Cougar bats woke up against the Hitmen. The Cougars jumped out to an early 3-0 lead, took the Hitmen's four-run counter-punch and exploded for eight runs in the fourth inning. The rally was highlighted by blistering smashes and lightning dashes (how's that for a Radtke-esque flourish?) up and down the lineup. In one key at bat, Oxer comes to the plate with runners on the corners (that means first and third, Jeremy). A Cougar teammate (and occasional blogger) yells to Jeremy, "C'mon, Oxer, a groundball scores the runner." But JOx refused to be underestimated. Just as the under appreciated Strap came off the bench to hit some key shots, Oxer smashed a line drive that split the Flynn/O'Brien gap. For any mere mortal, the hit would have been an easy double. But Jeremy somehow stretched it into a stand-up single. (He claims the dastardly Hitmen impeded his baserunning at first base, but for anyone who's seen Jeremy chug around the bases, it's hard to imagine anybody or anything slowing him down.) Other offensive highlights: Bobis matching Bender's aforementioned triple with one of his own, Dr. Phil continuing his season-long hot hitting and Melchiorre stroking perfectly-placed liners.

Coach Norman Dale: First of all, let's be real friendly here, okay? My name is Norm. Secondly, your coaching days are over.
George: Look, mister, there's... two kinds of dumb, uh... guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and, uh, guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don't matter, the second one you're kinda forced to deal with.

• A big thanks to Meg McDonnell who was forced to deal with Cougars (and Hitmen and Tappers and cougars and kids) in her living room, basement and backyard when Dr. Phil graciously offered up the compound for the postgame party. Luckily, Flandog was otherwise occupied so nobody got naked and barked at the moon.

Wilbur 'Shooter' Flatch: I know everything there is to know about the greatest game ever invented.

• Just as Shooter had an encyclopedic knowledge of four-star recruits, backdoor cuts and playoff seeds, our own Peter Lipsey has a Rand McNally-ic knowledge of one-star motels, backwater towns and seedy establishments. Lipsey entertained the postgame stragglers with his tales from the road from his other life as a standup comic.

Coach Norman Dale: [after history class] What's on your mind?
Everett Flatch: Well, coach... what you're doin' with my dad. I'm not seein' it. I mean, he's a drunk, he'll do somethin' stupid...
Coach Norman Dale: When's the last time anyone gave your father a chance?
Everett Flatch: He don't deserve a chance!

• As Scott has shown us, the great thing about writing a blog is that you can hijack it for your own personal messages. So here's mine. You may have noticed my parents at several of my, Miranda's and Charley's games this year, and you may be wondering if they've moved to the North Shore. No, they're still making the trek from Mokena almost every Tuesday. And Monday and Wednesday and Thursday. I know they enjoy watching the Cougars, as well as Miranda's and Charley's games, and we love having them out there. At least until Dad inevitably pulls a Shooter by getting drunk, wandering on the field and berating the ump.

Coach Norman Dale: There's a, um tradition in tournament play- not talk about the next step until you've climbed the one in front of you. I'm sure going to the state finals is beyond your wildest dreams, so let's just keep it right there.

• Looking ahead, the Cougars have a double dip next Tuesday, Brown Stars at 6 and Team Orange at 7. Sweeping the doubleheader is beyond our wildest dreams, and we'll keep it right there.

Coach Norman Dale: I love you guys.

• Well, I really like you guys anyway.

A final word for those Cougars who have openly questioned whether the Kangaroo Court is still in session. The KC has been on sabbatical but is returning with a vengeance. Like the Michigan City cop who tried to meet his quota by issuing a "following too closely" ticket for to a certain fangquack, the KC needs to make up for lost time. Be advised that the wheels of justice as turned by the KC will show no mercy, no matter if your brother happens to be the local prosecutor (or your brother-in-law happens to be the Judge).

Yesterday is Regrettable, Tomorrow Still Hypothetical

My scholastic years were marred with bad grades. When we had an open house or a parent conference at school, my teacher would suggest that I order the tests, quizzes and other graded papers in reverse. So the lowest marks would be on top and the highest grades would be reviewed last. This way, when my parents were scanning my work they would only remember the last few excellent grades.

Typically, the blog closes with the game result, especially when we are not victorious. This week, we will begin by stating that we lost 8-1 to SLAM and hopefully the recency effect will come into play as you finish your reading.

Sticking with the science thread, today's title comes from the last line in this New York Times article. It is a compelling piece and it demonstrated that people’s thoughts, even on such abstract subjects as time and space, translate into movements of the body.

Cougar movement was regrettable last night. What were we thinking? Certainly not about victory.

The highlight of the game was in the third inning when Philthy stepped in the batter's box glowered at the pitcher and displayed a threatening portrait of power. Then, with the fat part of the bat, Dr. Phil slammed a grounder that landed about 16 inches in front of the plate and hustled it out for a single to keep his hitting streak alive. McNasty immediately followed that piece of work with another on bases as he was trying to avoid a force out at second base and violently slid into the shortstop who then tumbled farther than the base hit.

The highlights for SLAM were the two balls that the roidhead hit to the left field fence. In each case the Hitpeople in the alley were buzzing like the cicadas that can't count to 17.

Yes, a perfect segue to the Hitmen. Last night, your captain played for the Hitmen before the Cougar game. The Hitmen lost to Miller Time and it was a close one. I was fired up for the game and wore a shirt that wins the trifecta: Cougar Green, Hitmen, White Sox.

The Cougars play the Hitmen tonight and although many players from each team will be absent, the rivalry is stronger than ever.

The Hitmen are sort of like the Cubs for me. When my White Sox play the Cubs, I hope the Sox crush them. When Cubs play anyone else, I hope they do well. (Yes, I am equating the Hitmen to the Cubbies.)

The Cougars are anxious to beat up on the Hitmen and steal their Chicken Shack after the game and make a hypothetical into a reality.

Bloggin' Ain't Easy

Here's some Lipsey-style trivia: what do Gene Bartow, Mike Bordick, Jay Fiedler, Woody Boyd have in common?

When Scott said he was going to miss last week’s game and asked for volunteers to write the blog, the silence from the Cougars was stunning. Cougars are not known for their reluctance to speak up, so why were there no other volunteers? For the same reason you didn’t see people lining up to replace a legend. Which brings us back to the trivia question. Each of those guys replaced a legend: John Wooden, Cal Ripken, Dan Marino and Ernie “Coach” Pantusso of “Cheers” fame. While some did better (Woody) than others (Bartow), it’s never easy to fill the shoes (or, in this case, laptop, green shirt and protective cup) of a legend, even for one week.

It’s even harder when that legend wears so many hats. Imagine if Ripken not only played shortstop, but also flew the team plane, washed the uniforms and dragged the infield dirt, or if Coach not only served drinks, but also drove Norm and Cliff home at closing time, babysat Carla’s kids and styled May Day Malone’s hairpiece. In this case, the job called for someone to manage like Tony LaRussa, change personnel on the fly like Joel Quenneville, play shortstop like Luis Aparicio, plan postgame parties like Martha Stewart and blog like Perez Hilton.

So with all that pressure, who better than the legend himself to give some blogging advice. I asked Scott what I needed to do to blog like him, and he suggested that I follow the Radtke Best Blogging Practices: quit your job, stop shaving and start writing the blog at 5:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning. Unfortunately, I ignored each of those RBBPs, which explains why you’re reading the blog now, several days after the normal Wednesday publication date. But after trying to write this blog, it’s hard to not give Scott his props. It’s not easy to come up with one idea, much less to crank out winners week after week.

Whether it’s a blog about punctuation and grammar or an entry from Miranda’s perspective or a public love letter to Melchiorre, Scott has consistently knocked it out of the park. Just as it’s easy to take for granted the time we spend each week reading the blog, it’s also easy to forget how much of his heart and soul (and patio and grill) Scott puts in to the Cougars.

Indeed, the manager of the Cougars not only puts out lots of fires, he also opens a Can of A Lot of Responsibility. To see how much that Scotty gives to the Cougars each week, just look at how many Cougars it took to try to pick up the slack caused by his absence: (1) Martini hauled the equipment back and forth, set the batting order and made the lineup changes every inning, (2) Fortier returned from all corners of the globe to take over (or reclaim his position) at shortstop, (3) Danielsen affably hosted postgame beer-quaffing festivities, and (4 & 5) your Pinch Blogger (along with his copy editor) is attempting to fill some space on the blog. Unfortunately, our efforts to entice this woman to the Cougars game were unsuccessful, so we couldn’t find anyone to replace all the hugs we usually receive from Scott.

A short digression on our Interim Manager. Knowing that Martini is often the straw that stirs the Cougar drink. Scotty asked Martini to step in to the role of Manager for this week. When it came to making the batting lineup, Martini took a shot with his novel first-come, first-bat approach (which persuaded Philthy to arrive at Howard Park at 4pm only to jam his (non-cavity-filling) fingers making a catch in the first and losing his chance to bat lead off). Martini also shook things up with his Home Depot “do it yourself” approach to lineup changes. Whereas Scotty meticulously plots every substitution and position change, Martini was a little more hands off (“if you were on the bench last inning, find a position this inning”). The only ingredient Martini forgot to add to the lineup was some mojo, and as a result we never had one of our signature Cougar rallies. If only Trouter could have brought some of the MSDS mojo to the game, the Cougars might have been able to stage a rally from behind. But despite Scott’s challenge to beat a winless team, we couldn’t catch a buzz without him.

By the way, some of you might be wondering what was so important that caused our fearless leader to miss the game. Suffice to say, Scott is always looking for an edge to improve the team. To illustrate, let’s first review a little Cougars history:

• Scott formed the Cougars in the spring of 2008 after scouring the area for the top softball (or other) talent and aggressively out-recruiting Team Orange for the cream of the local softball crop.

• After it became apparent that the Cougars perhaps were not firing on all cylinders in their inaugural season, Scott set out to find the finest (or perhaps only) 16" softball guru in the country. When he found that there was nobody that fit the description, Scott didn’t let that deter him. If there's not a 16" swing coach to be found, Scott decided to create one. How? He found the legendary Joe D, golf swing fixer extraordinaire and 16” legend, convinced him to trek out to Howard to give a hitting lesson to the Willbillies, and the rest is Cougar history.

• Before the 2009 season, Scott spent countless days searching for that small edge would push the Cougars over the hump and into the upper 90% of the league. Those research efforts eventually resulted in Scott purchasing four bats that he carefully selected to improve the Cougars’ swings. (It appears that Melchiorre took to heart Scott’s research on the optimal bat weight by hand-carving his version of Wonderboy, a 37 oz behemoth that Babe Ruth would have struggled to swing but that Flannery waved around like a toothpick.)
  

• Never satisfied, Scott continued his unending quest for respectability, by signing a free agent earlier this season, the first addition in the short and undistinguished history of the Cougars – the Stabber, who was immortalized in a previous blog post.

Which brings us to where Scott was this week. Scott learned a lesson from Charlie Weis and Ron Zook: in order to achieve consistent mediocrity, a coach must recruit nationally. So Scott spent this week searching the nation for the best talent to add to the Cougars. Here’s a picture of his scouting trip that kept him from Tuesday’s game. (I don’t want to give away the big announcement, but apparently Scott thinks he’s discovered some help for the Cougars, some guy named Mauer, who will platoon with Oxer at catcher.)

Next week is another big week for the Cougars with SLAM on Tuesday and the Hitmen on Wednesday. Not that the Cougars need any bulletin board (or blog) material to get motivated for the Hitmen game, but it seems the Hitmen may be getting a little overconfident after winning the first two Cross-town Classics. These pictures were taken in Flynn’s garage after another Chicken Shack fueled Hitmen party.

We've not been able to confirm the rumor that Witzy was seen driving through town with a moose strapped to the roof of his car, but expect "Moose" Oxer and the rest of the Cougars to be fired up for that game.

Oh, I almost forgot to recap last week’s Cougars/Gulliver’s game: we lost. Badly.