1-800-SOFTBALL

A confession.  Losing is hard for me.  It takes a toll on the body and the brain.  Sometimes you just can't get through it alone.  There are times you just need to talk with someone about your problems.  

So after we lost to Gulliver's 11-10 I felt the need to express my feelings.  I was going to talk to Julie about it but I knew she would confirm my thoughts that I am always reasonable, patient and even-keeled.

Instead, I called a little known help desk created specifically to help athletes deal with defeat.  I don't have much to write today so I thought I would just share the transcript.

Captain Cougar:

Hello, is this the help line for struggling athletes?

Pleasant Woman With Beautiful Voice:

Well, yes, it is sir. Are you a professional or an amateur?

Amateur.

Ok, let me transfer you to that department.

Cranky Man with Gravelly Voice:

Rec league amateur help desk, what do you want?

Captain Cougar:

Uh, yes, hi.  I'd like to talk about my game tonight.

Sure you do.  That's all everyone wants to talk about when they call.  Let me guess, you lost a heartbreaker.

Well, yes, you are correct.

You probably lost it in the bottom of the 7th, too.

Yeah, that's right.

Welcome to the club, buddy.

I thought this was a help desk.  You are not being very helpful.

You want some sweet talk then you should have called the 900 number.  Now just tell me the facts.

Well, we came out in the first inning and scored three runs.  Boom and Stabber ripped singles and JD popped a home run.

And what's wrong with that?

Nothing, nothing.  In fact, we held the lead almost all game.

Until the 7th, right?

Yes, yes, hold on, I will get there.  Everyone was playing well.  We had 14 out there tonight and everyone contributed and hit well.  Hogs was injured but he was out there cheering us on.  JD, Bobi, Flandog and The Lip played great defense on the right side of the field.  Boom played an inspired SS.  Diamond Dave was throwing clutch strikes.  Diddy, Stabber, Trouter and Thejokewriter all patrolled the outfield with ease.  We needed both Philthy and Fort to fill the large pants of JOx.  In fact, to honor him, I wore JOx's pants last night.

You wore another man's pants?  Really?

Yes, the pants have never been this dirty.  JOx was a clean player.

What's with the pet names?  Don't you people have real names?

Of course, but it's more fun to have nicknames.  And after a tough loss, I like to think of them as aliases.

So how did the rest of the innings go?  

Everybody was hitting it down and hard and taking the extra base.  In the top of the 6th, we scored four runs to break the tie and extend the lead.

You had a four run lead going into the 7th?

Yes.

What happened?

Gulliver's started hitting and travelling around the bases.  

Nice.

What?

Gulliver's...travels.  Do you always do that?

What?

Don't go Barbarino on me; you know, the cute lines.

It's all I have.  My material is pretty lilliputian.

You can stop now.

Ok.

What I am hearing is that you had a well-played, hard fought match and you lost in the last inning.

It's just hard when they get you in the end.

Enough already.

Ok.  Ok.  Sorry.

What is your team name?

Cougars.

Let me guess, you probably have beat that double entendre into the ground.

Like I said, my reservoir is not deep.

Tell me about these Cougars.  Are they a bunch of schmucks?

No, they are great guys.  I cherish our summers together.

What about your fans?  

Loyal and enthusiastic.

What did you do after the game?

We went to my backyard and drank a few cold ones.

Was everybody pouting?

No, we just analyzed the game looking for spots to improve.

Did the party end quickly because everyone was down?

No.  In fact, we were out there until past midnight.

Don't you people have jobs?

Yes, but I always think a hangover takes your mind off the loss.  

That's a different help desk.

Right.

So let me get this straight, the Cougars played a solid game but the other team eeked it out?

That's right.

Now tell me this, is your record good enough to make the playoffs?

Everyone makes the playoffs.

Huh, everyone?

Yes.

All right, so if everyone makes the playoffs, then there must be some prize money or a trophy for winning the most games?

Nope.

Not even a t-shirt?

Not even a t-shirt.

Let's recap.  Everyone makes the playoffs and there is no prize money, no trophy and not even a t-shirt, right?

Correct.  Winning games and bringing home a title is essentially for pride and I tend to value my self worth by wins and losses.  Self-loathing sets in after a loss.

Listen, I am not the empathetic type, but I did hear that writing your feelings down after a game might help.  Have you ever tried that?

Um, well, yeah, I sorta do that after every game.

You write down your feelings in a journal and then hide it in a desk?

Uh, no, I publish it to the web.

What has this world come to?  Men sharing feelings to the world.   Well, because  you are already disclosing your emotions to the world, what else is wrong in your life?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Right, I am a happy and fortunate guy to have a great family and friends in a wonderful community.

So, it's just the loss that is bringing you down?

Yes.

If losing an old man recreational league softball game is the biggest problem you have, then you have no problems, buddy.

You are right.  Thanks.  Hey, by the way, what was the deal with that pretty sounding woman that answered the call?

That's for the professional athletes.

Oh.

And it's not a help desk.

Huh?  

Set up by Tiger Woods. 

Oh, I get it.