Smashing Bollocks

About 15 years ago I started a position with The Royal Bank of Scotland.  My immediate superiors were in New York but our team had regular interaction with colleagues in Scotland and England.

As a kid growing up south of Chicago, working for an international bank was a new and worldly experience for me.

Soon after starting with RBS, I was quickly introduced to British lingo.  The very first time we pitched a potential investment to the risk committee, we were told the deal was a “dog’s breakfast.”  In translation, a complete mess!

Also, early in my tenure, just before we became the largest bank in the world, I was in a small informal gathering with our CEO, Fred Goodwin.  Our knighted CEO, known as Sir Fred, was expounding the on the eminence of our institution in his thick Scottish accent.  “You work for The Royal Bank of Scotland.  You walk with swagger!”  I will never forget that word or how he said it with his distinct rising intonation:

swag-GAH!

The Cougars are walking with a bit of swagger after a 10-7 smashing victory over our Chicken Shack mates on the rounders pitch Tuesday night.

With the unsummerlike weather, it felt like brass monkeys outside but supporters for both squads rolled up at Howard Park.

1st Inning

Looking quite like the dog’s dinner (opposite of dog’s breakfast, of course) clothed in our bespoke green coloured uniforms, the Cougars had piss-poor hitting and went down 1-2-3.

Shacker blokes OB and Pekar had base hits with lucky buggers Jack and Jimmy knocking them across the plate pinching us for two runs.

2-0 Shack

2nd Inning

We were chuffed to bits when Martini and JD each singled and Strong Coffey laced a hit for two RBIs.

On defense, we had a cracking inning and only allowed a hit by Todd.

All square at 2-2.

3rd Inning

Lip led off with a pound.  Pokes by Flandog and Baby Kale drove him home.  They made it look easy-peasy.

The Cougar defense told Shack to get lost allowing only one hit to good lad Spinner and permitted no runs.

3-2 Cougars

4th Inning

Fort, Rads and Martini all got consecutive hits with Joker and JD driving in all three runners. 

Shack matched our three runs with hits by Oh, George, Sheridan and Kennett.

 

A very chummy inning for both clubs.  6-5 Cougars.

5th Inning

We gave a clap for Lip with his second hit of the night but the Cougars did not score. 

Shack was snookered and went down 1-2-3.

6-5 Cougars

6th Inning

The sixth inning all went to pot for Shack and was a stonking success for the Cougars.  

Baby Kale started it with his second hit of the game.  Then Diamond Dave punched a single and Flandog pinch ran for him.  The Cougars had chaps on first and second base.  Boom ripped a hard infield grounder with Kale scoring and Flandog moving to third base.  Fort shot a ball to third base which caught Flandog in a shambolic rundown.  Fort on first and Boom on second with Rads at the plate.  Rads poked it towards centre field.  Jimmy Oh intercepted the grounder and placed the tag on an advancing Fort and completed the play with a throw to JK at first base to double up Rads.  But wait!  Fort skived off the tag at second and Rads was knees up on the way to first base to beat the toss all while Boom raced home to score from second base. 

A kerfuffle ensues with the umpire.  Shack thought the decisions were a load of tosh and essentially called the ump a wanker.  The Shack have three barristers on their team and each had a chin-wag with the field judge.

The next batter was Martini, embodying the definition of a scallywag, crushed a hit to the outfield.  Fort scored and Rads raced to third base.  Joker was up next and ripped it down the left field line.  The left fielder, Jack, running quickly towards the line, seemingly caught the ball while on the line in fair territory but it fell while in foul territory.  Umpire yelled fair ball and Rads scored.  Shack told the umpire to get stuffed and they all had quite a row.  Shack then got an ear bashing by the ump.  Cougars scored four.

We took the dirt on defense and told Shack to sod off.  We put them down 1-2-3.

10-5 Cougars

7th Inning

The Cougars had three consecutive hits by Bobi, Strong Coffey and Pastor Ted.  We plastered the bases but could not tally a run.  Our at-bat turned into a bit of a damp squib.

Trying to prevent an attack of the collywobbles, the Cougars got nicked for two runs but we stopped faffing around to get three outs.

The Cougars get the bloody win 10-7!

The Cougars then said cheerio to Howard Park and made our way to the posh pub in the back of our flat.  We were knackered and peckish after such an intense game.  The postgame nosh by Kale and Molly was scrummy and the pints left us legless.  A jolly good time was had by all.

Speaking of pints, a couple years into my time at the Royal Bank of Scotland, I was afforded the opportunity to quaff a couple pints with Swaggering Sir Fred Goodwin.  One of my chums asked him what kept him up at night.  He replied, “Our venerable institution has been in existence longer than the United States of America.  It is my duty to maintain that status.”  With eerie foreshadowing, a few years later RBS lost its independence when the British Government took the reins during worldwide financial meltdown in 2008.  Sir Fred was stripped of his knighthood in 2012.

Fred Goodwin learned that excessive swagger will render one arse about face and kicked in the bollocks.  The Cougars will not drop a clanger and be a bunch of tossers by acting prattish.  Remember that Cougars and Chicken Shack have a rematch in just over a fortnight. 

Cheers!

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