Daddy Is Taking The Day Off

Hi! It’s Miranda :-)

Daddy said he could not write the blog today. He is very upset about the way he played the game last night. He was mumbling something about baserunning. He asked me to write the blog today.

I didn’t want to write it because it seemed like summertime homework. But daddy said I get to use the computer to do it and that it doesn’t count as screen time. If I can keep it short (Daddy always writes too much) and finish it fast (Daddy must have a lot of time at work to write), then maybe I can play online poker.

My daddy also said that I could also use the thesaurus. He is always using that book. He says if he uses big words it makes him look smarter than he really is.

The thesaurus reminds me of one time when I was in second grade and I asked my mommy what a synonym was. That was a hard word for me to say. She must not have understood me because she went to the kitchen cabinet and brought me some cinnamon.

My mommy is so silly.

Another time I told mommy and daddy that we learned about having rough spots in school and that I should tell my parents when I have one. My mommy left the room and brought back some lotion to put on me. Daddy and I wondered what the heck she was doing. I said, “Mommy, I don’t have dry skin. Rough spots are just difficult situations.” Daddy thinks that is so funny and is always bringing it up to mommy. Now whenever something happens that gets me upset, he always asks me if I need lotion.

Sorry for my digression (thesaurus).

We had so much fun at the park last night. There were so many kids even though it was a 9:00pm game and we all got to stay up past our bedtime.

We also got to see Jeff’s daddy, Mr. Bobis. The Cougars call him Coach. He was a guidance counselor at the high school that mommy, daddy, Uncle Marc, Uncle Greg and Jeff attended. He also coached Jeff, Uncle Marc and Uncle Greg in Little League, which is why they are such good Cougars now. Here is a picture of Mr. Bobis and Uncle Marc at a Sox game.

Mr. Bobis tells really great jokes. My favorite last night was when he asked some of the dads, “How many outs are there in an inning.” All the dads said, “Three.” Even I know there are six outs in an inning. That sure seems like something they should know.

Dr. McDonnell played in the game last night even though he has a broken rib and a hematoma (I used the dictionary to learn that it means internal bleeding). I think Mrs. McDonnell will be angry at him for playing. I have a friend on my softball team who has a broken arm and now I think her parents should let her play.

I heard Dr. McDonnell say he should play injured every week. He went 2 for 3 batting and called a great game behind the plate for Mr. Martin, who pitched for the first time this year and struck 5 people out.

I think Dr. McDonnell wanted to play catcher so he would have somebody to talk to during the game. He is always smiling and talking to people. I heard daddy say that he is not sure if Dr. McDonnell is really that happy or if he smiles so much as a marketing strategy.

I only watched the last two innings of the game because it got too dark to play wiffle ball with all the kids. The kids don’t really like watching Cougar games. We just like going to the park to play our own games.

Plus, every week, the dads do the same thing. They get really excited for the game, they make mistakes, they come back to our house, they make fun of each other, they make a lot of noise, and they have lots of drinks and snacks.

I think Charley likes the Cougars. He even made a shirt for the game last night.

Actually, I think he just really likes using Sharpies on his shirts.

Wow, I haven’t even told you about the game yet. My daddy is very tangential (thesaurus) too.

The Cougars played the first place team last night, the Brew-Ha’s. Last year, they lost 16-0 against them.

The game was very very very very close for a few innings and then the Cougars had a chance to score a lot of runs but daddy made a very bad baserunning mistake that ended the inning.

At the postgame the whole team was talking about it. Everyone was giving their version of what they saw and where they were when it happened. Daddy said it was like analyzing the Zapruder film and he felt like JFK (Huh? I don’t even know what this means).

If it was really that bad, I am not sure he should be my coach anymore.

He also said we may not be able to pay our mortgage this month because his Kangaroo Court fine will be a lot of money. From what I heard I think there were a lot of Cougars who will owe fines (even Mr. Oxer who was not even there).

The Cougars lost the game 8-2 last night and know they could have won (they always say that). They said Joe D. is right; the little things are the difference between winning and losing.

After the game everyone came to our backyard. It was past 10:00pm and Charley and I had to go to bed. They were loud and I could hear everyone telling Mr. Trout (who was playing in his first game this season and got a lot of hits and made some good catches) how much they liked the PBR that he brought. I don’t know what PBR means but the dads sure seem to really like it.

I was awake until after midnight because that is when the party ended. Then I went downstairs and saw mommy and daddy watching some goofy man with untamed (thesaurus) red hair making jokes. Daddy was eating potato chips and eating pie right from the pie pan. Eew! Gross!

Ok, I really want to play on the computer now and if I don’t get done soon mommy and daddy might kick me off because they have to check their Facebook page.

I hope you enjoyed my story.

The Four P's

Rain rain go away
Come again another day

That couplet was heard throughout the streets of Wilmette last night. Parents and children alike were desperately chanting this nursery rhyme to ward off the raindrops. The liquid descending from the sky overpowered the mantra repeated by Cougar Nation so a new one was written.

A tussle was had between Mother Goose and Mother Nature
The latter won and the Cougars got to wager
Joe D. said to continually backup, have a contingency
So the team played poker thanks to Oxer and Lipsey

Oxer, who was pinch hitting in the postgame for a travelling Fortier, was worried about the downpour and the potential impact on the postgame al fresco. He needed advice from a wise man.

He ran across the street to ring the bell of our neighbor, who is a local meteorological television star, in order to obtain the preeminent forecast on the North Shore. The response he received was as circular as the hydrologic cycle, “It should be clear unless it rains.”

Oxer then recollected a night last summer when he quaffed many a lager while talking to a South Side Confucius. Here was a guru that could give him guidance.

He dialed up Nick Bobis, affectionately known as Dad to one Cougar and as Coach to the three other Cougars who all received tutelage from Coach as youngsters in our shared hometown of South Holland.

The Cougars were fortunate to have Coach join the team for a night last year. Nick regaled us with humor, insight, rules to live by and a handful of Chinese proverbs.

His memory was a little hazy, but Oxer said he remembered talking to Coach about going to the bathroom four times and it seeming sagacious.

Oxer was mistaken. They did not discuss kidney functions while he was damaging his liver.

Coach reminded our swift backstop about the genuine Four P’s: Proper Planning Prevents Problems.

This maxim will preclude mustard from ever getting on your shirt (inside joke). Coach ended the call with Cougars’ favorite proverb “Man who walk through turnstyle sideways is going to…wait, wait, wait this is a family blog…sorry, you will have to look it up.

Oxer, adding poker as a fifth P, found quarters for us to bet dollars.

Lipsey, with the family on vacation, offered up his address for a night of high stakes poker and some homonymic conflict.

Homina what? Walnut Avenue is the home of our resident comedian but who knew that the Cougar version of “Who’s on First” was playing at his house last night.

Scene 1: Radtke emails Lipinski to bring chips to poker game.
Scene 2: Lipinski walks in with almonds and peanuts.
Radtke: “Dave, where are the chips?”
Lipinski: “We didn’t have any in the house so I brought nuts.”
Radtke: “How will we bet with nuts?”

The Cougars love snack food so this was an understandable comedic communicative clash.

In a reversal of innings, Martin came out of the bullpen before the game started and provided the save by bringing the tokens. We then all stood for the National Anthem and our poker game was underway.

As the cards were being shuffled, we had an unexpected delay. Peter surprised his guests with a heaping quantity of Chinese dumplings and quickly added a sixth P. Potstickers were all the rage and bookended the nighttime noshing.

Cougars consumed. Delay done. Cards circulated.

Radtke deals the first hand of the night. Lipinski is in big blind for $20, Martin in the small blind for $10. Pre-flop betting starts with Lipsey. He antes the $20. Bobis folds. Melchiorre calls. Oxer folds. Radtke folds. Lipinski throws in $10 more to call.

The flop brings forth two kings and a two. More betting and folding. Only Lipsey and Melchiorre remain.

The turn card is a six of hearts. Betting continues. The river card is a king of hearts.

A quick review of the community cards shows a possible heart flush as well as four of a kind.

Folks, we have a showdown.

Lipsey goes all in. Melchiorre, too nice a guy to bluff, asks, “Are you sure?” Pete says, “I’m sure.” Dave calls Peter’s all-in.

They both flip their cards. Peter hit his heart flush but Dave had the fourth king to take the pot leaving our host to decide to cook up more potstickers or to buy back in.

Normally when people pull quads, they do not feel this good. Dave’s homonymic non-injury is prompting me to digress a bit (A bit? Some would say the Cougar blog is one longwinded tangent).

The Cougar disabled list is not looking pretty.

First, we have Melchiorre. Yesterday he had a tooth pulled in the morning and showed up at the poker game with an icepack on his jaw. He also was at the bone doctor yesterday because he has an unattached ligament in the tip of his marriage verification finger. Today, he is getting sinus surgery to have nasal polyps removed. Even with his body being dissected like a junior high frog, he was ready to pitch last night.

Second, we have Philthy. Our team dentist risks life and limb out on the playing field. You have to remember that this guy makes a living with his hands and he is playing a sport that has produced fingers as crooked as Chicago politics. Last year, Phil was thumped to the dirt with a hip check from a plump first baseman. Last weekend, Dr. McDonnell, took a nasty hit during the McK/Harper soccer match (McK won!) and now has a hematoma (collection of blood) inside his ribcage pressing on his left lung as well as a fractured rib.

Otsuka and I have just returned from a weekend family houseboat trip and are now suffering from sea legs. Our dizziness has our teammates worried that we will run the bases like Jimmy Piersall. Here I will make it easy for the readers. Click below. http://espn.go.com/classic/s/piersalljimadd000817.html

Tangent over. Back on track. Need to end story.

Like typical Cougar Poker, play was slow and interrupted often by music requests and food consumption. Fast forward to the end and we see that Lipinski came in third and Oxer came in second.

Poetically, the son of the sage, Jeff, was the epitome of another Four P’s – Perfect Poker Playing Pays.

Clincher or Bludger?

The Cougars have two sets of baselines and each presents a paradox.

The first baseline is the unmarked direct line between two contiguous bases, which baserunners are told to round even though the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

The second baseline is our inaugural season, which hovers in our memory like our teenage years. We were anxious for it to occur but relieved when it was over so we wouldn’t be viewed as in the minors anymore.

The old adage, “you can’t manage what you don’t measure” is true even in old man park district softball. Looking at our 2008 benchmark, we would play half a game badly and wind up only playing half a game. This year we still play half a game badly but counter it with 30 minutes of sparkling and brilliant play on the diamond. At this rate, we are setting the bar high for 2010.

On Wednesdays, with a dash of grogginess and a drop of parchedness, I awake between nautical dawn and civil dawn given our equatorial region (don’t bother looking it up – about 4:45am), and immediately brood over mistakes I made hours earlier and punish myself like a house elf wondering if I should trade my Clincher for a Bludger.

As I get upright, downstairs, hydrated and caffeinated, I look south and spot two backyard lawn impressions, approximately 33 feet apart, resembling the letter “R’ in Morse Code (gotta come to the postgame to figure that one out – or just read below). It is at that moment my softball self-loathing ends and my upbeat attitude is revived.

We lost the game 14-7 and we all know we could have made this one a winner. Everyone had at least one great play in the field or at the dish. Also, each of us is licking a wound or two. Mercifully, the postgame is an outstanding salve as we drink the magic tonic and celebrate with family and friends.

Yes, we underscored our foe last night but here at the Cougar Blog we will not forget to underscore the best of the evening.

• Oxer beat out an infield single. Are you kidding me? Flannery, the Yogi Berra of the Cougars, said “Oxer picks up speed when he hits his second derivative.” (Non-math majors – do your own Google search).
• Flannery, playing short center, was a top assistant for the force-outs at second base, and made life generally easier for those around him. He also lent a helpful hand at the plate and ran the bases like Secretariat.
• Bobis and Danielsen both hit triples. If Oxer was running in their place I am pretty sure we would have had a couple of dingers.
• Fortier continues to put on a hitting clinic and may wear a Gale Sayers jersey to the next game (inside joke – you should have been at the 7:15am Sunday practice).
• Otsuka and Lipsey, as usual, gutted a belly full of leather in the outfield.
• Mucinex, on which I am currently overdosing, provides a more productive cough. Lipinski and Danielsen, who must also be overdosing on something, had perfect productive run-scoring outs.
• Hoglund, with an outstanding heads up play in the field, bulleted the ball to third base and roped in an advancing runner.
• Melchiorre, playing with 9.5 fingers, pitched a stellar game and crushed the ball at the plate.

Last night must have been half price family night at Howard Park because we had the biggest family turnout of the season with over half a dozen moms and twice that in offspring.

The players love the postgame but the kids really, really, really love the postgame. Miranda, Charley and the rest of the Cougar Kids Club have their youngster version of the pub crawl. After having so much fun ignoring their dads at the park, they can’t wait to barhop to the postgame to imbibe in action packed games of freeze tag and then finally go home drunk with joy. Now that the school year is over, I hope to see even more of them running all around the yard. Note to self: Rope off no-kid-zone for postgame Cornhole competition. Note to team: The Radtke/Bobis team is undefeated in bags this year.

Our second year has been a year of firsts. Earlier this season we had our first infant postgamer and last night we had our first canine at the after-hours party. Last night, Kate and the Irish Flannerys brought out their newest Scottish member of the family. Duncan the dog took pleasure in his first jaunt down a playground slide.

Last night was also the unveiling of the toaster oven for the postgame snacks thanks to Lipsey who served up tasty Potbelly.

We are now batting 1.000 with Cougar wives celebrating their birthdays with us each season. Last year, it was Julie and this year Meg celebrated her birth anniversary (hat tip to Coach for the term) with us. Meg was gracious even though we failed to give her gifts because we gave them all to Gulliver’s.

Next week promises another fun filled Tuesday. The Cougars’ team motto is “Play Angry! No Gifts!” Cougar Nation’s motto is “Come for the postgame. Stay for the game.”

Something Suddenly Came Up

Julie and I were talking the other day about the last time we went out for a date. You know, just the two of us - without kids, friends or family. I said, “Probably during the Bush administration.” “Which one?” was her reply.

So there it was. The Cougar bye week now turned into Cougar date night. And as with every Tuesday, there is a pregame, game and postgame.

Pregame

Arrangements needed to be made right quick.

Call Village Nannies. Check.

Inform children. Check.

Threaten youngest male member of family to have good behavior or else I will make him watch me repeatedly drive over his Nintendo DS until it is crushed into tiny pieces that not even Mario or Luigi could put back together. Check.

Research topics of conversation other than kids, friends, family, work or house projects that need to be completed. Check.

Practice speaking in full sentences because children will not be interrupting every three seconds. Check.

Dig in basement for 1992 original hardcover version of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus in order to remind self not to solve all wife’s problems but rather acknowledge and empathize. Check.

Cancel Cougar practice. To be completed.

There was a worry that the team would be upset because I chose one female Cougar over a pack of male Cougars. Canceling Cougar practice was easier than thought thanks to Greg and Marcia Brady.

My theory is that when in doubt, always use a reliable excuse that has passed the test of time. I simply told the Cougars that practice was canceled because “Something suddenly came up.”

Now, Julie thought that was a silly thing to say, “That’s ridiculous; it doesn’t mean anything,” she said. I explained to her that the line was rock solid and has worked since 1973. She just had a blank stare. “C’mon, you know, Greg told Marcia to say it to get out of a date,” I said. Wife’s eyes still glazed over.

You see, for some strange reason, Julie spent her irreplaceable youth years watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island and she completely missed the boat with the Brady Bunch.

Well, the line worked. The Cougars were placated and Julie agreed that she would watch all Brady Bunch episodes as soon as I drop my lifelong anti sci-fi stance and finally watch Star Wars.

Just then, the doorbell rang just as the final pregame checklist item was inked and with the babysitter's arrival we were on our way to the first pitch.

Game

The babysitter initiation typically lasts 30 minutes. We have the whole routine down to a science. Julie wheeled out our rolling medicine locker and like a skilled tour guide, gave the sitter an adventure right in our kitchen. Babysitters always find the Epi-Pen Trainer tutorial as a highlight of the medicinal voyage. Finally, we were so hungry that we skipped the defibrillator discussion.

There, done, we made it out. Gametime. We were ready to take the field.

Because it felt like we had not been out since 1991, we decided to make the date more interesting by dressing like it was. I went with the Cougar team color and put on a sharp olive green double breasted suit replete with pocket square and slicked back the hair while Julie slid into the sweet black dress and grew a few inches taller by building a wall of hair. For those of you in the McKenzie area, at about 6:00pm, you unknowingly experienced an ozone depletion event from all the Aqua Net transported into the stratosphere.

We had the kids take a picture to record the event.

Julie, as always, looked like a million bucks. Although, she will need that money to pay the fine in Kangaroo Court for not wearing the designated team color. (Full Disclosure - Photo circa 1991)

We got into her vehicular storage unit, um, I mean, Julie’s car. Anxiety was high and the pressure was on because with only two of us we each had a 50/50 shot at winning Cougar of the Week.

While in the car the song Wannabe by the Spice Girls came on the radio. I had never heard this original version and indicated that it sounded like a bad parody of the McK Variety Show opener. Our lyrics and music were much better so we sang our words louder than them.

We arrived at Tapas Gitana in Northfield and were seated promptly. The cheery waitress asked if we would like something to drink. “A pitcher of red sangria, please” was my response. She asked, “Large or small?”

Now we were posed with the first tough managerial decision of the night. I immediately reverted to the goals I set for the team in the preseason. Goal number three – do not get slaughtered. At that point it was easy move, like hitting a ground ball to the right side with less than two outs and a runner on third, so I ordered up the small pitcher.

Conversation at the table was easy and fluid. My prepared conversation topics ranged from fruit at the bottom yogurt (manufacturer mockery is what it is – the container fine print should read – “We saved a step and skipped the stirring part - you do it, schmuck customer!”) to my opinion that writing is like a puzzle (all the words are already in the dictionary and it is just a matter of picking certain ones and placing them in the correct order) to my handicapping of which cousin will accidentally fall into the water without a lifejacket on our houseboat vacation next week (leading the list is Danny who just turned 21 followed by Charley, age 6, and Mallory, age 3) to my disdain for the apostrophe (it just dangles there like a hair dangling from a hotel bathroom ceiling and leaves me wondering how did it get there, why is it there at all and do I have to be the one to remove it).

We laughed about Charley’s latest observations. Recently, while playing a game of family Uno, Charley wanted to know if Spanish people play One! And while on our way to a winery over Spring Break I told the kids that we were going to see how wine is made and Charley replied, “What, are we going see people crying?”

We giggled, because Miranda, based on what she hears on the playground, seems to believe there is an entire framework of swear words. As Miranda said, “Is there a swear for every letter? There is the A word, the B word, there’s no C word (although I am sure she will hear it at some point in her next decade), the D word, the F word.” Julie and I also discussed how Miranda indicated to us the other day that she is working on her poker face for our now daily games of Texas Hold ‘Em. Julie seems a bit unnerved that I have taught our beautiful and innocent firstborn how to play poker. I just said “Don’t worry. Depending on which games the kids played tonight, the babysitter may end up owing us money at the end of the night.”

Dinner is now served. The tapas are continually delivered and described to the table. The review of each food item reminds me of the cashier at the Walgreens on Green Bay who announces and evaluates each purchase as it is scanned. “Oh, Preparation H Extra Strength, this is the best kind. Bazooka bubble gum, it will get your mind off the itch.” And a silent glance at my nostrils when the nose hair clippers are scanned.

The portions are enthusiastically eaten. Rarely does a Cougar blog not describe the devoured rations. We like almost everything but the Calamares A La Plancha are first rate. (Tip: A quick Google search will get you $20 off a $50 order).

On the ride home, I inquired about the babysitter’s transportation. Thank goodness that the babysitter drove. Typically, a high stakes game of rock paper scissors is played to see who brings her home.

Next, we find ourselves digging into our pockets in order to pay the sitter’s bill. Fortunately, we have enough cash and do not have to raid the children’s piggybank (which contains coins, bills and crumpled up IOUs because from time to time we use it as our household ATM machine).

The babysitter gives us a complete account of the evening and the conclusion was that the kids were great teammates even though they never made it onto the field and were relegated to the bench all night.

Postgame

Julie and I recapped our own night and counted the Cougar of the Week ballots. We each got one vote so we just called it a tie and said we both won.

Once the kids were tucked, the coffee was prepared for the morning and the lights were dimmed, we dragged our weary bodies into bed. Julie finished the night by asking, “You’re not going to write a recap of the night, are you?” My response was simply, “ZZZZ.”