Cougars

The Cougars Are Champions!

2011-08-17T14:02:00.002-05:00

The title is not a misprint and it's not a joke. If you've followed us since the beginning, you know that a Cougar championship truly completes our rags-to-riches story. From our first Tuesday night game four seasons ago when we were slaughtered 38-1 to last night's championship game won by us slaughtering our opponent, this is the stuff that makes sports fairy tales.

If you just look back at early blog entries, it is truly amazing how our team has improved mentally and physically on the field. Only a few of us had played 16" softball before, a handful of others had played baseball, and some had never stepped foot on a diamond. It gives me great pride to know that we did this as a team and to see the great support everyone has given each other to improve.

We couldn't have scripted a more spectacular championship run. Last week we beat Ethervision 16-0 for our first ever shutout. Then last night we beat the Tappers 10-4 after losing one-run heartbreakers to them during the season. Immediately following that, we took our momentum to the Brown Stars and bested them in five innings with a final score of 17-2 to clinch the league title.

In the three postseason games our fiery offense lit up for 43 runs, which was the exact total we had in our entire first season! What is even more impressive is that our sure-handed defense absolutely shut down our opponents.

Here are few quick memories and highlights from the excellent evening.

Martini toying with the batters and getting on base every at-bat
Philthy slamming an incredible homer to secure a victory
Hogs shooting the ball and finding the holes
Diamond Dave batting 1.000 in the championship
JD with hands like magnets
Li'l Rads flattening the ball with vicious swings
Bobi ripping key hits to the gap
Flandog handling line shots with ease
Stabber striding around the bases like a thoroughbred
Fort making catches that would have an extended segment on SportsCenter
Diddy tracking down every ball in his vicinity
Boom swinging out of his shoes and stealing bases
Thejokewriter crushing the leather off the ball
Ski, Trouter and JOx were sorely missed but we cheered them as part of the victory.

It was an incredible team effort.

We celebrated on the field, and then as is the Cougar custom, we continued the celebration until the wee hours of the morning with great thanks to TMart for the delicious taco treats, JRads for the beverages, and Fort and Mrs. Philthy for the impromptu celebratory champagne. The celebration wouldn't have been complete without our loyal fans whose cheering voices echoed through Howard Park and into the streets of Wilmette.

Looking back at my childhood, there are really only two things that stand out for me: vacations and sports. Win or lose, Tuesdays with the Cougars can give us a sporting vacation from the day-to-day monotony we sometimes feel. For me and my family, the memories created at Howard Park and at the post-games will be cherished forever, and I believe the same is true for all the Cougars and fans.

Now, of course, winning a championship has a direct correlation to an increase in Cougar happiness. With next season starting in April, we have nine months to ride cloud 9. But like every high we will eventually come down.

The only proven way to have sustainable happiness is to surround yourself with a loving family and dear friends. In this category, the Cougars have been champions for years.

See all of you next season!

CLICK HERE TO SEE ALL THE PICTURES FROM THE CHAMPIONSHIP NIGHT.

Belle of the Ball

2011-08-10T08:42:00.002-05:00

The Cougars may just be the belle of the ball in the playoffs.

You would have thought we were at the Magic Kingdom park last night because Howard Park was the happiest place on earth for a few hours.

The 6th seeded Cougars beat the 3rd seeded villians, Ethervision, 16-0.

Martini and Diamond Dave combined forces to pitch our first ever shutout.
JD once again made his infielders look great at 1B.
Boom covered the hot corner with perfection and ripped the ball at-bat.
Bobi had a key two-out double and made a great play at the plate while at catcher.
Flandog had a key two-out single to continue our 10-run inning.
Fort was flawless at SS and smacked the sphere at the dish.
The Jokewriter was swift on the base paths and patrolled the outfield.
Li'l Rads turned an infield single into a triple with smart baserunning.
Stabber's long strides turned a couple would-be singles into game changing doubles.
Diddy, with pixie dust in his hair after just flying back from Orlando shortly before game time, played a rock solid game at the plate and in the field.
JRads gets huge props for sending me on an earlier flight home to make the game.
JOx couldn't make the game now that he is a Florida resident but he couldn't miss out on Disney magic.

After the game we hopped on the monorail and celebrated the victory at the castle and Li'l Rads supplied the postgame feast.

The semifinals and championship games are next Tuesday night starting at 6:45 p.m.

The Cougars have to march through the Tappers and Chicken Shack in the next two rounds of the playoffs. In order to continue this Cinderella story, we will have to ward off these ugly stepsisters to bring home the princely prize. Everyone loves a fairytale ending.

Super Men

2011-07-27T07:45:00.004-05:00

It wasn't a real game so it's not a real blog.

The Cougars and Chicken Shack played a scrimmage game Tuesday night during the bye week. As has been our trend this season, the Cougars lost by one run.

We do not have any video of the game last night, but enjoy some film of two super men who can hit the rock on the field and rock out with hits on the stage.

See you at the playoffs next week!

It's a town full of losers, I'm pulling out of here to win

2011-07-20T08:59:00.005-05:00

After a tough 17-14 loss last night to Gulliver's, certain Thunder Road lyrics seemed like an apt bandage to our wound and a fitting metaphor when re-worked Captain Cougar-style.

So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright
Oh and that's alright with me

We Cougars are old, we're not pretty, but we stick together like a band of brothers rooting and supporting each other when we are down.

You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers, throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain for a savior to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero, that's understood

While we all had our painful moments, we actually did have a few heroes out there last night. JD made the left side of the infield look great with his fabulous catches. Flandog had a crucial RBI to extend an inning. Bobi slammed the ball around the park. The Jokewriter knocked an opponent out with a smash to 3B. Philthy was on base every at-bat. OB and Flynner rose from the streets to save the shorthanded Cougars.

Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late, we can make it if we run

We weren't in the sun with the 9:00 game, but man, it was a wicked hot killer out there last night! It was definitely late and we almost made it - again.

And my car's out back if you're ready to take that long walk

Actually, no need to drive last night; the postgame was just a short walk across the street.

There were ghosts in the eyes of all the boys you sent away

Well, nobody ever gets sent away from our postgame. In fact, all fans, readers, and neighbors are invited. Last night's refreshments included pizza rolls and perfectly chilled concoctions of water, hops, and barley courtesy of the Jokewriter. JRads had brats ready to fill our stomachs and take our minds off the ghost of another close game.

It's a town full of losers, I'm pulling out of here to win

Springsteen's key premise in Thunder Road is: Do you want to take a chance? On us? On life? Well, the Cougars get a new life next week as the playoffs begin.

Ctrl+Z

2011-07-13T08:51:00.000-05:00

The undo feature is the handiest command on the computer. Make a mistake? Goof something up? No problem. Take it all back with quick keystrokes.

Last night would have been a good time to press those sacred buttons to undo the result and start with a fresh field.

The Cougars crashed and had a system malfunction with a 13-3 loss. Chicken Shack took a different kind of shortcut to victory with a 5 inning game.

We could not copy and paste our excellent performances from previous weeks. The Cougars desperately needed some F1. This game will certainly be dragged to the recycling bin.

The highlight of the night was the postgame. The Fortiers hosted a party so slick that even Steve Jobs would have been impressed.

By next week we will erase our memory and get the bugs out of our system in order to boot up a victory!

Season 4, Episode #10: "The Cougar Shack Comes Out Tappin'"

2011-07-06T11:28:00.001-05:00

As a kid, what was better than watching your favorite TV program? How 'bout when characters from that show teamed up with characters from an equally entertaining show?

Think Jetsons meeting the Flinstones.

Or Mork dating Laverne on Happy Days?

Boss Hogg trying to buy the diner from Mel on Alice?

Ricky Stratton from Silver Spoons and Arnold Drummond from Diff'rent Strokes getting into mischief?

Charlie's Angels looking for a thief on the Love Boat?

Even better, how about when Mr. Roarke fulfilled Tattoo's dream of sailing on the Pacific Princess?

Howard Park last night may have even been a bit more like 90210 and Melrose Place combining efforts because Tuesday nights at Howard tend to be soap operas.

Last night, we had the ultimate Howard Park crossover episode as the Tappers and Chicken Shack raised the ratings for the Cougars.

The Cougars needed the crossover cooperation against our crosstown combatant Ethervision. The programming ended early as McKenzie slaughtered Central 13-2.

The highlight reel was filled with excitement. The main characters were solid and the guest stars provided the extra dose of drama.

Danielsen slammed the ball at the dish and picked 'em out of the dirt at first.
Hoglund continued his batting rampage and clubbed the Clincher all over the park.
Flannery caught high hard line drives, pop-ups, grounders, relays and was a gem on the diamond.
Lipinski's swings were top-notch during the game and his effort was top-flight for scheduling a red-eye out of town for after the game.
Radtke (the Lil' one) was a defensive marvel out there, which included a play when a hard line shot bounced off my hands at SS and Marc, playing 3B, pounced on it and fired it to first base for a key out.
Bookstaber played a flawless outfield and glided around the bases with ease.
Boomgaarden was a softball gladiator and played with a broken finger.
Oh reached for the sky with lofty arcs on the mound and the hard shots at the plate.
O'Brien ripped the ball and took the extra base - and then some.
Mayer squashed the bug, crushed the ball and continued to be one of the best left handed power hitters in Chicago.
Miller had a stellar performance on the grass and showed off his wheels on the dirt.

As with any special feature, the team photographer commemorated this one time event with a cast picture.

But the credits don't stop rolling there. The viewers of the show were truly the special guest stars as well. We had a number featured fans join Steve and Cheryl to hoot and holler for the green gang with great gusto. Julie's wonderful family, including Uncle Jim and Aunt Debbie From Tennessee and Uncle Bill, Aunt Lisa and cousin Billy from Arlington Heights are truly celebrities!

The set designers built a brilliant backdrop for the night and the cast knocked the super script out of the park. This one might just win an Emmy.

We will be back to regularly scheduled programming in the next episode of the Cougar Chronicles. The Cougars go head to head with Chicken Shack in prime time next Tuesday.

July is a sweeps period for Nielsen but the Cougars are planning a plot twist to prevent a season sweep by the Shack.

Cougars Are Not Beavers

2011-06-29T09:12:00.000-05:00

In our inaugural season, the then winless Cougars surprised the Misfit Beavers, one of the better teams in the league, with the first victory in our history.

This year, we have already handed the Tappers their first victory ever and after last night's first inning, we were well on our way to doing it again with the Geriatric Springers.

We had first at-bats and went 1-2-3 in the top of the first. The Springers dropped 5 on us in the bottom of the first. Both teams were scoreless in the second. Then the Cougars roared back. The game was 6-6 after 3, 10-6 after 4, 12-6 after 5, 14-6 after 6 and 25-6 after we rounded the bases 11 times in the top of the 7th.

At the postgame, the Cougars punched their ballots for Cougar of the Game. Our man Hoglund was the runaway winner. Hogs played three different positions flawlessly and was a home run short of the cycle. His triple to right-center was a Ruthian bomb and he was the one needing a medic after puffing around the bases. In fact, Dan played so well that the Springers asked him to sub in the nightcap of their doubleheader.

Flandog won the postgame award for hosting us and sharing his new toy, Night Light Baggo.

Three years ago this week, we played in one of our most memorable games. Captain Cougar is about to board a plane so click the link below to relive and enjoy our first victory ever.

ANY GIVEN TUESDAY

Right is Wrong

2011-06-22T10:36:00.000-05:00

We all want to be right. In softball, right is wrong, at least in the mathematical "greater than" expression.

6 > 5

When playing ball, even Republicans would want to be on the left. The right is reserved for conservative scores.

The Cougars lost by one run for the third time this season. Unlike other one-run losses this year, in this contest we were the team making the late charge.

The Tappers started the game by pouring five runs on the Cougars in the first two innings. Over the next four innings the Cougars clawed back and scored four runs while holding our McKenzie rival scoreless.

In the top of the 7th, our challenger tapped a lone run across the plate to take a 6-4 lead. In the bottom of the inning, with two outs, the Cougars crushed back to back triples to close the gap to one. Our last shot was a smash down the third base line that is not caught every day, but this one was.

The Tappers graciously hosted both teams to the postgame party. We were able to enjoy the wonderful night for a couple hours before the wind and rain blanketed us. Father Time ended the first Cougars/Tappers match early and Mother Nature ended this postgame early.

Next week, we will try to be on the left of the relational operator. Speaking of operators, I did try to call the 1-800-SOFTBALL help desk after the game but the storm knocked out the phone lines.

Click here to enjoy some photos from the night.

1-800-SOFTBALL

2011-06-15T10:20:00.001-05:00

A confession. Losing is hard for me. It takes a toll on the body and the brain. Sometimes you just can't get through it alone. There are times you just need to talk with someone about your problems.

So after we lost to Gulliver's 11-10 I felt the need to express my feelings. I was going to talk to Julie about it but I knew she would confirm my thoughts that I am always reasonable, patient and even-keeled.

Instead, I called a little known help desk created specifically to help athletes deal with defeat. I don't have much to write today so I thought I would just share the transcript.

Captain Cougar:

Hello, is this the help line for struggling athletes?

Pleasant Woman With Beautiful Voice:

Well, yes, it is sir. Are you a professional or an amateur?

Amateur.

Ok, let me transfer you to that department.

Cranky Man with Gravelly Voice:

Rec league amateur help desk, what do you want?

Captain Cougar:

Uh, yes, hi. I'd like to talk about my game tonight.

Sure you do. That's all everyone wants to talk about when they call. Let me guess, you lost a heartbreaker.

Well, yes, you are correct.

You probably lost it in the bottom of the 7th, too.

Yeah, that's right.

Welcome to the club, buddy.

I thought this was a help desk. You are not being very helpful.

You want some sweet talk then you should have called the 900 number. Now just tell me the facts.

Well, we came out in the first inning and scored three runs. Boom and Stabber ripped singles and JD popped a home run.

And what's wrong with that?

Nothing, nothing. In fact, we held the lead almost all game.

Until the 7th, right?

Yes, yes, hold on, I will get there. Everyone was playing well. We had 14 out there tonight and everyone contributed and hit well. Hogs was injured but he was out there cheering us on. JD, Bobi, Flandog and The Lip played great defense on the right side of the field. Boom played an inspired SS. Diamond Dave was throwing clutch strikes. Diddy, Stabber, Trouter and Thejokewriter all patrolled the outfield with ease. We needed both Philthy and Stingray to fill the large pants of JOx. In fact, to honor him, I wore JOx's pants last night.

You wore another man's pants? Really?

Yes, the pants have never been this dirty. JOx was a clean player.

What's with the pet names? Don't you people have real names?

Of course, but it's more fun to have nicknames. And after a tough loss, I like to think of them as aliases.

So how did the rest of the innings go?

Everybody was hitting it down and hard and taking the extra base. In the top of the 6th, we scored four runs to break the tie and extend the lead.

You had a four run lead going into the 7th?

Yes.

What happened?

Gulliver's started hitting and travelling around the bases.

Nice.

What?

Gulliver's...travels. Do you always do that?

What?

Don't go Barbarino on me; you know, the cute lines.

It's all I have. My material is pretty lilliputian.

You can stop now.

Ok.

What I am hearing is that you had a well-played, hard fought match and you lost in the last inning.

It's just hard when they get you in the end.

Enough already.

Ok. Ok. Sorry.

What is your team name?

Cougars.

Let me guess, you probably have beat that double entendre into the ground.

Like I said, my reservoir is not deep.

Tell me about these Cougars. Are they a bunch of schmucks?

No, they are great guys. I cherish our summers together.

What about your fans?

Loyal and enthusiastic.

What did you do after the game?

We went to my backyard and drank a few cold ones.

Was everybody pouting?

No, we just analyzed the game looking for spots to improve.

Did the party end quickly because everyone was down?

No. In fact, we were out there until past midnight.

Don't you people have jobs?

Yes, but I always think a hangover takes your mind off the loss.

That's a different help desk.

Right.

So let me get this straight, the Cougars played a solid game but the other team eeked it out?

That's right.

Now tell me this, is your record good enough to make the playoffs?

Everyone makes the playoffs.

Huh, everyone?

Yes.

All right, so if everyone makes the playoffs, then there must be some prize money or a trophy for winning the most games?

Nope.

Not even a t-shirt?

Not even a t-shirt.

Let's recap. Everyone makes the playoffs and there is no prize money, no trophy and not even a t-shirt, right?

Correct. Winning games and bringing home a title is essentially for pride and I tend to value my self worth by wins and losses. Self-loathing sets in after a loss.

Listen, I am not the empathetic type, but I did hear that writing your feelings down after a game might help. Have you ever tried that?

Um, well, yeah, I sorta do that after every game.

You write down your feelings in a journal and then hide it in a desk?

Uh, no, I publish it to the web.

What has this world come to? Men sharing feelings to the world. Well, because you are already disclosing your emotions to the world, what else is wrong in your life?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Right, I am a happy and fortunate guy to have a great family and friends in a wonderful community.

So, it's just the loss that is bringing you down?

Yes.

If losing an old man recreational league softball game is the biggest problem you have, then you have no problems, buddy.

You are right. Thanks. Hey, by the way, what was the deal with that pretty sounding woman that answered the call?

That's for the professional athletes.

Oh.

And it's not a help desk.

Huh?

Set up by Tiger Woods.

Oh, I get it.

Farewell to a Cougar

2011-06-08T13:14:00.003-05:00

As most Cougar fans already know, last night we toasted everyone's favorite Cougar, JOx, and his most loyal fans, Heather, Annie, and Lucy. This family made an indelible impression in our lives and in our hearts. Heck, they even added a new word to our lexicon. Some of you probably remember the definition for Oxerize, given in a previous blog, but here's a review taken directly from the newest edition of Webster's.

Oxerize (v) ahx-er-ahyz

1. to make larger or more powerful; especially by adding details to

2. to increase in size, extent, effect, sometimes through decadence and extravagance

3. to make Cougars giddy

A simple blog entry to say farewell to our retiring and relocating Cougar catcher would certainly not be enough to send him off. How can one Oxerize this farewell blog?

By giving our dear departing Cougar his own blog. Enjoy!

CLICK HERE FOR THE OXERIZE BLOG

Sensing A Victory

2011-06-01T11:33:00.000-05:00

Inhaling the lilac infused air.

        Eavesdropping on the squawks and squeals of the birds.

               Gazing at the trees and plants as the sun gives abundant color.

                      Savoring the piquant coffee that was roasted by an all-star pitcher.

                               Caressing the keyboard to commemorate the Cougar conquest.

What a way to start my Wednesday morning! My five senses are alive and my mind and body feel reinvigorated.

Of course, had we lost, the self-loathing and the questioning of life's meaning would have commenced upon rising. But our team was victorious for the second week in a row.

Last night, the Cougars played Ethervision, which is a team we had never bested. Every game against this team of many Central School dads has been tight and last night we came out victorious, 8-6.

Over the last two weeks the Cougars have played terrific defense, adding to the explosive offense and last night we had many stars.

Lipinski once again led the scoring charge. For our first run of the game, he rounded third like a freight train and violently slid into home plate leaving some epidermis on the field.

Flannery, hands down, has the best catch and pivot in the league and is quickly becoming the league's top short center.

Bookstaber made a running, over-the-head, backwards, game-saving catch in center field.

Otsuka plays at such a high level in left field that we take his skills for granted. Last night was no exception as he came up with his usual excellent catches.

Bobis is a tower of power at the plate and scored our game-winning run.

Danielsen made a number of stabs at first base that made his infielders look good. Our man also made another great save by hosting a top-notch postgame.

Lipsey continued to rope the ball all over the field and ran like a gazelle on the bases.

Boomgaarden showed off his moves at shortstop. His hands are like glue and his arm a cannon.

Melchiorre pitched a stellar game with no walks and timely strikes. His clutch hitting knocked in a run and helped his own cause.

Hoglund was on the disabled list last night but dressed in full green and rooted fiercely for his compatriots.

McDonnell came off the DL last night for his season debut. His broken foot healed (kind of), he pounded the ball and raced around the bases while readying to replace Oxer behind the plate.

Oxer, in his penultimate game, was a force behind the plate and in the batter's box. His snap throws to first almost pegged a couple runners and he was swift on the bases. He even got a number of cheers from our opponent, many of whom are his old neighbors.

The fans are always a highlight, especially at a 9:00pm game. Our friends and family gave us many ovations and propelled our confidence late in the game.

While my traditional five senses were piqued this morning, my sixth sense tells me the Cougars could be on a streak...

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

2011-05-25T10:39:00.001-05:00

The story goes that in the early days of Vegas, the casinos had a special offer for a 3 piece chicken dinner for just under two bucks. Back then, the standard table bet was $2.00, so with a win you had the coin for a tasty chicken dinner.

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Why is the blog writing about chicken once again, you ask? Well, before the big rematch of the Cougars and the undefeated Brown Stars, the only other team in the league without a notch in the L column was Chicken Shack.

After the winless Cougars turned the Rising Stars into Falling Stars by defeating them 15-12, we were hoping there would be some chicken dinner delivered to the Cougar postgame courtesy of the Shackers for giving them sole possession of first place.

The Cougars were ready to play, came out strong in the first inning and batted around the order. No small feat when you are batting 12. We took the early lead and then gave a couple back in the bottom of the inning.

As the game moved along, we traded runs but never lost the lead. In the bottom of the 6th, we were leading 12-10 and our opponent dropped two runs on us to tie up the contest.

In the top of the 7th, Martini, looking like Kirk Gibson, led off the inning with a base hit, which was the start to our three run rally to go on top 15-12.

In the bottom of the 7th, the Cougars knew we needed to play winning defense to be triumphant. The first two batters hit frozen ropes to center field both stabbing Stabber in the chest. His heart was in the right place because he clutched the Clincher like the love of his life.

Now the Cougars needed one last out and with Martini on the mound, now looking like Nolan Ryan, strikes out the last batter for a hard-earned and well-deserved victory.

We had a number of highlights:

Melchiorre, the "Dean of Bean" fought the violent winds at the park and pitched strike after strike and notched two K's in his outing.

Flandog was a mad dog on the basepaths, taking huge leads, swiping the extra base and scoring runs. He hedges his bets at work and is incredibly aggressive on the field.

Dave "The Lip" Lipinski was an offensive and defensive star. First, he drives over 4 hours from Iowa to get to the real Field of Dreams in Wilmette. At the plate he ripped the ball to the gaps and racked up his RBI total. In the field, he saved a number of runs with his stellar play at second base and started an incredible inning ending double play to stop a Star rally.

The biggest stars of the game were Steve and Cheryl, our only fans on a late, cold, windy, school night. They drove the 120 mile round trip, braved the elements and celebrated with us. They are always at the top of the in-law starting lineup!

We brought the postgame over to the Cougar Shack and partied like we hit the jackpot. While others, well, let's just say what happens at the Cougar postgame stays at the Cougar postgame.

We celebrated until the wee morning hours but our chicken dinner never arrived. After the party was over I had my own cereal celebration, which was truly the Breakfast of Champions.

Recipe, But First Disaster

2011-05-18T00:28:00.005-05:00

Congrats to the Tappers for their first victory in three seasons.

The Cougars lost 20-19 in a hard fought match. If the Cougars judged success based on the level of drama rather than the actual result, then we would be in first place.

After the game Josh and I got gussied up and celebrated his victory.

There were a few highlights for the Cougars on the field but the best play of the night was at the postgame, of course, by Diddy.

Here is the recipe to be a winner on and off the field. It is not a recipe for disaster.

Buffalo Chicken Dip

Servings: 12
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Bake Time: 30 to 40 minutes

Ingredients

4 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves, boiled and shredded (or 4 12.5-oz cans of chicken breast, shredded)
12 oz. bottle of hot sauce
Two 8 oz. packages of cream cheese
16 oz. bottle of Ranch dressing
2 cups (8 oz.) shredded Monterey Jack or cheddar cheese (or a combination of both)

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Combine the chicken with the bottle of hot sauce and spread in a 9×13-inch baking dish (or any 3-quart baking dish).
In a saucepan, combine the cream cheese and the ranch dressing over low heat until the cream cheese is completely melted and smooth. Pour the mixture evenly over the chicken. Then sprinkle the cheese on top.
Bake uncovered for 30 to 40 minutes or until bubbly. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving. Serve with celery sticks (and/or other vegetables), tortilla chips or crackers.

We love the game but it is the post-prefix that makes our night.

Why Did The Cougars Cross The Road?

2011-05-11T11:16:00.002-05:00

Why did the Cougars cross the road? To pluck the Chickens, of course.

Every week during the season the Cougars get up with the chickens, shake our tailfeathers and cross 17^th Street ready to strut our stuff with a sunny side up attitude.

The Cougars/Chicken Shack matchup was the fourth all-time meeting and the first with their new fowl name.

The name change is quite appropriate because with a 0-3 record against the former Hitmen, each game seems to taste like chicken to the Cougars. Even with the lopsided record, this rivalry is still everything it is cracked up to be.

As the blog reviewed last week, the Shack is at the top of the pecking order and will remain so after last night. With a final score of 10-8, the yolk was on the Cougars.

So now, as usual, we will turn our chicken scratch into a full cock and bull story.

The top of the first inning left us with egg on our face. We made a number of bird brain plays in the field. But we didn’t brood about the errors; we know our hands are finger lickin’ good. Our hatched plan finally worked and we proved it in the next couple innings by holding the Shackers scoreless.

In the middle innings, our chicken fingers tightly gripped the drumsticks and we beat the ball to the chicken wire in left field. With aggressive baserunning, the Cougars scored and grabbed some chicken breast by repeatedly getting to second base.

In the end though, the Cougars were not able to make chicken salad from chicken poop and were the ones to lay an egg. We looked like a farm team out there at times.

As always, the Cougar coop had their share of highlights.

Our spring chicken, Boomer, once again ruled the roost. He is now 9 for 9 on the season and he has ended the chicken and egg debate. Boom undoubtedly comes first.

There is a Japanese proverb that states, “It is better to be the head of a chicken than the rear end of an ox.” The Cougars agree with this wisdom because the Chickens’ heads were staring at the rear end of JOx all game. Although it seems that he dashes around the bases like a chicken with its head cut off, he is no dumb cluck. Jeremy is cock sure on how to get to home plate.

Diamond Dave is our tough old bird and his hard-boiled focus can be seen on the mound and at the plate. The Dean of Bean scrambled the Shack bats and had them looking cock-eyed with his stellar pitching while he beat the ball like a cracked egg at the dish. He and Barb then stuck their necks out for both squads and hosted a top-notch gathering at the best nest in Wilmette.

It was such an exciting game and having so many fans at the game on a glorious night made the match that much better.

In fact, there was quite a hen party in the stands. We had so many wives cheering behind our bench that it made me wonder if the Hot Chicks are really Cougars? Hmm.

The next game against the Game is in two months. Now, we all know not to count your chickens before they hatch, but mother hen says to bet the nest egg on the big cats. Then the Cougars will truly have something to crow about.

Words With Friends

2011-05-04T12:31:00.003-05:00

In the dawn of the morning, just hours after the Cougars left the diamond, there was a certain buzzing in my head jarring me from my sleep. Shaky, smelly and snoozy, this was certainly not the way to rise. Was it an alarm? Was it the remnants of last night's excess? Nope, neither.

The wake-up cry was simply informing me that it was my move in the addictive app, Words With Friends. An apt metaphor as Cougar words needed to be shared with Cougar friends.

Like softball, Words With Friends offers a competitive connectedness with comrades.

In the season opener, the Cougars were matched up against the rival Brown Stars. Our goal was to play like Merriam-Webster and drop many seven letter words on them such as inspire, intense and impress. Instead, we dropped the ball numerous times as well as a handful of four letter words that are only found in the Urban Dictionary.

Our first inning was quite scrabbled.

The Brown Stars had the first move and placed their letters on the board's pink star and racked up a 4 point lead. The Cougars mistakenly thought we were playing Numbers With Friends and quickly went down 1-2-3.

In subsequent moves on the surface, the Cougars hit the ball with as much glee as a 50 point tiledrop. Unfortunately, we gave our opponent an opening by making our ERROR into ERRORS.

Heck, we would find it easier to play a Q word without a U than it was to put our hands firmly on the ball.

Although a tough night, there were a few highlights from the contest.

The Joke Writer, who is approaching the half-century mark, had two triple word scores on the bases and showed that even an old man can still get to third base twice in a night.
Flandog made a couple of impressive catches in the field. In past blogs I may have referred to such outstanding fielding as "Pulling a Fortier;" however, this term will now be reserved only to reference hamstrings.
Our new Cougar cub, Boom, came out in his inaugural game and promptly went 4 for 4 while leaving a trail of smoke on the basepaths. He was voted Newbie of the Year for the McKenzie Variety Show and he is the front runner for the Cougar Rookie of the Year (well, he is the only rookie).

When our racks were cleared, the Brown were the stars, outscoring the Green 15-9. Given last season's results, this was not unexpected.

Before the season, the park district got in the alphabet game and decided to play A and B. Our commissioner gave teams the option of a competitively competitive division or a recreationally competitive division.

The B division is comprised of six returning teams and one newcomer. Based on last year's results, the B division final standings would have stacked up like this:

Chicken Shack (fka Hitmen) 5-0
Gullivers 4-1
Brown Stars 3-2
Ethervision 2-3
Cougars 1-4
Tappers 0-5
Geriatric Springers NA

Shack is clearly the favorite in this new campaign and the Cougars are anxious to continue the rivalry this coming Tuesday night. The Cougars are aiming to make our ballplay as good as our wordplay.

The Chickens are the best but the Cougars are going to try and kick their app. You see, we spent the entire offseason mastering Angry Birds.

Pros Return and Prose Returns

2011-02-27T23:08:00.002-06:00

"There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing and mountaineering; all the rest are merely games."
- Ernest Hemingway

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at the typewriter and bleed."

- Ernest Hemingway

Obviously, Hemingway never played his hometown's greatest game. If he had played, I am sure he would have bestowed 16" softball with a "preeminent sport" honor. And then upon the game's conclusion he would have hemorrhaged all over his typewriter while writing the contest's narrative.

At the outset of the blogging and softball season, the blogger/athlete faces the formidable task of simultaneously conquering the white page and the white field.

Drawing parallels and hitting perpendicularly can drive writers and athletes to intoxicants. This, of course, explains why our postgame celebrations are so exceptional.

Hemingway was known for his spare, tightly written text. If he was captain of the Cougars, his annual inaugural letter would have plainly queried, "In or out?"

In contrast, your captain is known for his long-winded, meandering and never-get-to-the-point stories. Heck, the last two opening statements covered the 1978 Tuesday night ABC lineup as well as unemployment and sterilization.

We do have one thing in common. Hemingway referred to his craftsmanship as the "iceberg theory," which is also referred to as the "theory of omission." We all know that occasionally Cougar game summaries never even mention the actual game.

Fellow Cougars, as we begin the fourth chapter of our opus, will we say hello or farewell to your arms?

More Than A Mouthful

2010-08-11T12:31:00.015-05:00

The day after our final game of the season is always a sad day for me (hmm, is it because I'm done playing or blogging?).

Our season ended with quite a thrilling game and if we were in Kohler, our score would have been the best.

We lost an 8-7 match filled with suspense and action. One of our heroes last night was Fortier. Interestingly, our man Steve is the only Cougar without a true nickname.

We have Trouter, Diddy, Stabber, Bobi, Martini, Philthy, Rads, Lil’ Rads, Hogs, JD, The Lip, The Joke Writer, Flandog and Diamond Dave. Heck, Oxer has two - JOx and Moose.

Steve does, in fact, have the unique honor of being the only Cougar that has a type of play named after him: an over the shoulder catch is called “pulling a Fortier.”

Well last night, trying to get dibs on a superhero nickname, Steve came to the field looking like Clark Kent.

With some coaxing, he finally took off his silly buttoned-up costume and, like the Man of Steel, he hit a moonshot into the sunset. He got our Cougar mojo back on track in the middle innings with his second homer of the year, tying The Joke Writer for the team lead.

Those middle innings were not without some pain though. Diamond Dave pitched an excellent game and smacked the ball around the field and getting on base just about every time at bat.

After one of his hot hits, The Dean of Bean (ok, he has a few nicknames too) was returning to first base after leading off and the catcher rocketed the softball (um, can you say misnomer) to first base and it battered our runner. Wilmette’s Renaissance Man caught the ball right in his choppers. Of course, it figures that the two medical professionals on the team were both out-of-network and could not come to the rescue.

Dave’s teeth put up a good fight and survived the incident (can we note that our man has been getting dental work for two straight years to get his teeth fixed - he visited the dentist today and all is well). In fact, he went back out there and pitched an excellent game and had a clutch hit in the last inning. He has given himself a new nickname: "Timex."

All season we played competitive and aggressive ball. Our play this year has improved markedly over the previous two campaigns. This year, we played a handful of one-run games, held the best team in the league to six runs and we almost knocked-out the Hitmen.

Our postgame food scored more than we did this year. We had all kinds of sausage, dips, meatballs, pizza, chips, and last night we topped it with softball sushi (guess who was in charge of food and what discount store he purchased it at).

Each week we arrive on the sacred land of Howard Park, or as Joe D. called it, the place where Moses lost his shoes, and we gather to express our totality (pretty deep, huh?) and then we go drink beer (yes, very shallow).

You see, sometimes softball is more than just softball. Sometimes it is merely a conduit to other activities. I mean, if you were to explain to your family that every Tuesday night in the summer, you were going to don green athletic clothes, hang out with other guys, drink beer and make fun of each other, your kin would put the kibosh on that.

So rather than outsource that decision making, we turned softball into a traveling party to which all families and friends are invited and have a blast. Well, I guess certain people are not invited because we have been scorned by three different neighbors this year.

What I would explain to these fuddy-duddies is that we only live once. We are simply trying to extract as much joy and fun as we can before the music ends. One of these days, Otto von Bismark will tell us to hang up the cleats.

Even if you disagree with our government following a Keynesian policy, you will agree with his quote, "In the long-run, we are all dead." (Yes, so far I have quoted the Old Testament and discussed two men who were born in the 1800's).

So, in the short-run, we will continue the party throughout the offseason. We will celebrate with our friends and families and paint Wilmette green.

And in nine short months we will give birth to a new season.

Great season boys!

Limerick Losers

2010-08-04T10:52:00.006-05:00

There once was a team named the Cougars
They always ended up the losers
Bobis hit a four bagger
But we couldn’t remove the dagger
So we went to the postgame to be boozers

The afterparty was hosted by Lipsey
We drowned our sorrows and got tipsy
A tasty dip and meatballs galore
Kristen’s dish was something to adore.
We acted like pigs and ate it up in a jiffy

Next week we start the championship run
If we lose we are over and done
A win will get us a second game
Nothing to lose and everything to gain
Because either way we’re off to postgame fun

Twosday Night Fun

2010-07-28T09:55:00.039-05:00

No literary acrobatics today (ok, maybe some). Just the straight scoop and a pictorial presentation from Cougar Central.

The Cougars played a doubleheader last night and lost both games.

Before the double feature, we started out with the annual team picture. All 16 teammates in one place at one time. First time ever. Just short of a miracle.

In the opener, we played the Brown Stars and lost 4-3. We made a run for it in the bottom of the 7th but could not close the deal.

It was a well fought game highlighted by a Fortier HR. He was in the on-deck circle and said it was about time he hit a deep shot to the right center gap, which he proceeded to do and then he pranced around all four bases.

Marc, or Lil' Rads, as he is known on the South Side, played in his first game in over 18 months. He showed no signs of rust at the plate or in the field. He hustled all over the park and showed no signs that his daily Portillo's lunch is slowing him down.

Speaking of slowing down, the Brown Stars must have taken Joe D's advice to slow the game down when the other team is starting to rally. In the bottom of the 7th inning as we were mounting a comeback, the catcher for the Brown Stars just about passed out from heat exhaustion. We stopped the game for about 10 minutes so we could tend to his needs. Well, we is not precise. Hoglund, who is a true clutch player and has experience in these matters, calmed and cared for the worried and overheated catcher until backup arrived.

In this picture, Dan truly made the play of the game.

I traded emails with Captain Brown Star and found out that his catcher was admitted to the hospital last night as a precautionary measure but is now doing well and coming home today.

After all the flashing red exited the field, the Cougars went down the ROY G BIV spectrum and next up was Team Orange.

We have been slaughtered each time against Team Orange and have never played more than 5 innings against them. Last year, we lost 18-1 to them. And in our first Cougar game ever against them, we lost 36-1. They were so strong, we thought Orange juiced.

Team Orange is the two-time defending league champion. This year, our goal was to play seven full innings and stay competitive.

We achieved our goal and only lost 6-1. Our defense and pitching were the drivers to our successful effort. With just one run every game, our hitting and run production have been very consistent. Well, except for Oxer.

Oxer is putting on a hitting clinic over the last few games. He is smashing the ball and fist bumping all over the field.

JOx has graciously offered up his hitting knowledge with any slumping Cougars.

Other highlights included Flandog's flawless infield play, Martin's taunting third base action, and Melchiorre's and Martin's stellar high arcs on the mound.

It was one of our better efforts and we are anxious to beat them in the playoffs.

After the game, the Cougar clan headed over to the Fortier pad.

The postgame was nothing short of spectacular. Susan and Steve put on quite an event. Everyone had a blast.

We may have gone 0-2 on the night (and Diddy was 0-3 on the night - he subbed for Tappers after our two games) but given that all 16 guys were there for the annual team picture and the postgame was top-notch, I say that we started and ended the night as winners.

Here is a big shout out to all of our families and friends who helped make it a picture perfect night.

Hoosier Daddy

2010-07-22T15:21:00.030-05:00

Captain Cougar's day job took him to Cleveland and caused him to miss another game. So Scott agreed to let me write another blog entry if I could meet (or at least come closer to) the normal Wednesday delivery.

Given my short deadline, I figured I needed a framework to build around. So I'm trotting out the tired "compare something to movie quotes" gimmick. (Next week: a running diary of the Cougars game.) I must say, it's not hard to see why a columnist (or in this case, a Published Blogger) would resort to this device -- it gives you license to jump from topic to topic with no need to even attempt to create some sort of cohesive narrative, and, most importantly, it allows the writer to literally cut and paste half of the column.

But the only question was which movie. Given that the Cougars are almost always the ultimate underdogs, the lovable losers, the Cinderella story waiting to happen, the first thought was a classic underdog sports movies. But which one? As hard as I looked, I couldn't find a 16" softball classic movie. I could have went with the obvious worst-to-first baseball classic, The Bad News Bears. A few weeks ago, the analogy would have been more apt, at least when it came to the Bears' skipper, Mr. Buttermaker, and our manager, Mr. Radtke.

Alas, the analogy is less compelling now that our formerly unemployed, unkempt, beer-swilling leader is now employed, kempt and beer-sipping.

Undeterred, I turned to the best sports movie of all time, Hoosiers, for the memorable quotes below.

Preacher Purl: And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it. And it struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground. Amen.

The parallels between David, Hickory High and the Cougars are eerie. All three were outmanned underdogs courageously facing an epic battle with a superior foe. Well, I guess that's about it.

Coach Norman Dale: If you put your effort and concentration into playing to your potential, to be the best that you can be, I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners.

While our effort and concentration cannot be questioned, the scoreboard at the end of the game said Hitmen 17, Cougars 13. In my book, that makes us losers.

Coach Norman Dale: I've seen you guys can shoot but there's more to the game than shooting. There's fundamentals and defense.

The Cougars' D was not flawless this week, but we had our moments. There was a beautiful Martin-Brennan-Bender double play to quell a Hitmen uprising in the second. Diamond Dave Melchiorre had several nice plays on the mound. Dan "Stabber" Bookstaber patrolled right field like a hawk, robbing the Hitmen of several hits and putting on a good show for his expanding clan. And of course, Zinedine Oxer put on a show of his own, scoring a beautiful goal on a strong volley from thirty yards out. It was a shame the ump decided to disallow JOx's goal and instead award the Hitmen with a goal, er, run of their own. (Or at least that's what we think the ump decided, he never actually made a call.) The upshot was that Oxer's one-inning foray in short center only solidified his standing at catcher.

Wilbur 'Shooter' Flatch: Clete, you tell him. Sectionals of '33, one point down. Five, four, three, two, one, let 'er fly... in and out. Yeah, well, I was fouled...

The Cougars weren't the only ones to make memorable plays in the field. Just as Shooter was describing in dramatic detail his shot at glory that came up just short, one day Flynner will have his own story: "Cougars game of '10. Bender up. Line drive over my head. I turn to my left. I turn to my right. I backpedal. I reach up...ball hits off my hand, I tumble over backwards, Bender gets a triple. Yeah, well, sun was in my eyes." (It was great to see Flynn and Melchiorre make the extra effort to play in the Cross-Town Classic before heading off to band camp.)

Coach Norman Dale: [as Rade gets up to check in the first game after Merle fouls out, even though Coach Dale has benched him] Where are you going?
Coach Norman Dale: [Rade, puzzled, looks at him] Sit down.
Rade: You gotta have five out there!
Coach Norman Dale: Sit... down!
Referee: You need one more, coach.
Coach Norman Dale: My team's on the floor!

In a movie filled with great scenes, this is one of the best. Luckily, the Cougars' team on the field didn't have to play shorthanded. Huge thanks to our three replacements, Tim Brennan, Edwin Bender and Cleland Noe for helping the Cougars, who were decimated by injury (Lipinski), fundraisers (Flannery), business travel (Rads, Fortier), Rock Lobsters (Hoglund), coaching (Trouter) and other preoccupations that I'm sure were equally important.

Coach Norman Dale: Strap, in for Everett. Don't shoot the ball unless you're under the basket all by yourself!
Coach Norman Dale: What's gotten into you?
Strap Purl: The Lord! I can feel His strength!
Coach Norman Dale: Well... keep His strength in the dribble alright?

After going into an extended slumber for a few weeks, the Cougar bats woke up against the Hitmen. The Cougars jumped out to an early 3-0 lead, took the Hitmen's four-run counter-punch and exploded for eight runs in the fourth inning. The rally was highlighted by blistering smashes and lightning dashes (how's that for a Radtke-esque flourish?) up and down the lineup. In one key at bat, Oxer comes to the plate with runners on the corners (that means first and third, Jeremy). A Cougar teammate (and occasional blogger) yells to Jeremy, "C'mon, Oxer, a groundball scores the runner." But JOx refused to be underestimated. Just as the under appreciated Strap came off the bench to hit some key shots, Oxer smashed a line drive that split the Flynn/O'Brien gap. For any mere mortal, the hit would have been an easy double. But Jeremy somehow stretched it into a stand-up single. (He claims the dastardly Hitmen impeded his baserunning at first base, but for anyone who's seen Jeremy chug around the bases, it's hard to imagine anybody or anything slowing him down.) Other offensive highlights: Bobis matching Bender's aforementioned triple with one of his own, Dr. Phil continuing his season-long hot hitting and Melchiorre stroking perfectly-placed liners.

Coach Norman Dale: First of all, let's be real friendly here, okay? My name is Norm. Secondly, your coaching days are over.
George: Look, mister, there's... two kinds of dumb, uh... guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and, uh, guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don't matter, the second one you're kinda forced to deal with.

A big thanks to Meg McDonnell who was forced to deal with Cougars (and Hitmen and Tappers and cougars and kids) in her living room, basement and backyard when Dr. Phil graciously offered up the compound for the postgame party. Luckily, Flandog was otherwise occupied so nobody got naked and barked at the moon.

Wilbur 'Shooter' Flatch: I know everything there is to know about the greatest game ever invented.

Just as Shooter had an encyclopedic knowledge of four-star recruits, backdoor cuts and playoff seeds, our own Peter Lipsey has a Rand McNally-ic knowledge of one-star motels, backwater towns and seedy establishments. Lipsey entertained the postgame stragglers with his tales from the road from his other life as a standup comic.

Coach Norman Dale: [after history class] What's on your mind?
Everett Flatch: Well, coach... what you're doin' with my dad. I'm not seein' it. I mean, he's a drunk, he'll do somethin' stupid...
Coach Norman Dale: When's the last time anyone gave your father a chance?
Everett Flatch: He don't deserve a chance!

As Scott has shown us, the great thing about writing a blog is that you can hijack it for your own personal messages. So here's mine. You may have noticed my parents at several of my, Miranda's and Charley's games this year, and you may be wondering if they've moved to the North Shore. No, they're still making the trek from Mokena almost every Tuesday. And Monday and Wednesday and Thursday. I know they enjoy watching the Cougars, as well as Miranda's and Charley's games, and we love having them out there. At least until Dad inevitably pulls a Shooter by getting drunk, wandering on the field and berating the ump.

Coach Norman Dale: There's a, um tradition in tournament play- not talk about the next step until you've climbed the one in front of you. I'm sure going to the state finals is beyond your wildest dreams, so let's just keep it right there.

Looking ahead, the Cougars have a double dip next Tuesday, Brown Stars at 6 and Team Orange at 7. Sweeping the doubleheader is beyond our wildest dreams, and we'll keep it right there.

Coach Norman Dale: I love you guys.

Well, I really like you guys anyway.

A final word for those Cougars who have openly questioned whether the Kangaroo Court is still in session. The KC has been on sabbatical but is returning with a vengeance. Like the Michigan City cop who tried to meet his quota by issuing a "following too closely" ticket for to a certain fangquack, the KC needs to make up for lost time. Be advised that the wheels of justice as turned by the KC will show no mercy, no matter if your brother happens to be the local prosecutor (or your brother-in-law happens to be the Judge).

Yesterday is Regrettable, Tomorrow Still Hypothetical

2010-07-21T09:39:00.009-05:00

My scholastic years were marred with bad grades. When we had an open house or a parent conference at school, my teacher would suggest that I order the tests, quizzes and other graded papers in reverse. So the lowest marks would be on top and the highest grades would be reviewed last. This way, when my parents were scanning my work they would only remember the last few excellent grades.

Typically, the blog closes with the game result, especially when we are not victorious. This week, we will begin by stating that we lost 8-1 to SLAM and hopefully the recency effect will come into play as you finish your reading.

Sticking with the science thread, today's title comes from the last line in this New York Times article. It is a compelling piece and it demonstrated that people’s thoughts, even on such abstract subjects as time and space, translate into movements of the body.

Cougar movement was regrettable last night. What were we thinking? Certainly not about victory.

The highlight of the game was in the third inning when Philthy stepped in the batter's box glowered at the pitcher and displayed a threatening portrait of power. Then, with the fat part of the bat, Dr. Phil slammed a grounder that landed about 16 inches in front of the plate and hustled it out for a single to keep his hitting streak alive. McNasty immediately followed that piece of work with another on bases as he was trying to avoid a force out at second base and violently slid into the shortstop who then tumbled farther than the base hit.

The highlights for SLAM were the two balls that the roidhead hit to the left field fence. In each case the Hitpeople in the alley were buzzing like the cicadas that can't count to 17.

Yes, a perfect segue to the Hitmen. Last night, your captain played for the Hitmen before the Cougar game. The Hitmen lost to Miller Time and it was a close one. I was fired up for the game and wore a shirt that wins the trifecta: Cougar Green, Hitmen, White Sox.

The Cougars play the Hitmen tonight and although many players from each team will be absent, the rivalry is stronger than ever.

The Hitmen are sort of like the Cubs for me. When my White Sox play the Cubs, I hope the Sox crush them. When Cubs play anyone else, I hope they do well. (Yes, I am equating the Hitmen to the Cubbies.)

The Cougars are anxious to beat up on the Hitmen and steal their Chicken Shack after the game and make a hypothetical into a reality.

Bloggin' Ain't Easy

2010-07-18T15:24:00.019-05:00

Here's some Lipsey-style trivia: what do Gene Bartow, Mike Bordick, Jay Fiedler, Woody Boyd have in common?

When Scott said he was going to miss last week’s game and asked for volunteers to write the blog, the silence from the Cougars was stunning. Cougars are not known for their reluctance to speak up, so why were there no other volunteers? For the same reason you didn’t see people lining up to replace a legend. Which brings us back to the trivia question. Each of those guys replaced a legend: John Wooden, Cal Ripken, Dan Marino and Ernie “Coach” Pantusso of “Cheers” fame. While some did better (Woody) than others (Bartow), it’s never easy to fill the shoes (or, in this case, laptop, green shirt and protective cup) of a legend, even for one week.

It’s even harder when that legend wears so many hats. Imagine if Ripken not only played shortstop, but also flew the team plane, washed the uniforms and dragged the infield dirt, or if Coach not only served drinks, but also drove Norm and Cliff home at closing time, babysat Carla’s kids and styled May Day Malone’s hairpiece. In this case, the job called for someone to manage like Tony LaRussa, change personnel on the fly like Joel Quenneville, play shortstop like Luis Aparicio, plan postgame parties like Martha Stewart and blog like Perez Hilton.

So with all that pressure, who better than the legend himself to give some blogging advice. I asked Scott what I needed to do to blog like him, and he suggested that I follow the Radtke Best Blogging Practices: quit your job, stop shaving and start writing the blog at 5:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning. Unfortunately, I ignored each of those RBBPs, which explains why you’re reading the blog now, several days after the normal Wednesday publication date. But after trying to write this blog, it’s hard to not give Scott his props. It’s not easy to come up with one idea, much less to crank out winners week after week.

Whether it’s a blog about punctuation and grammar or an entry from Miranda’s perspective or a public love letter to Melchiorre, Scott has consistently knocked it out of the park. Just as it’s easy to take for granted the time we spend each week reading the blog, it’s also easy to forget how much of his heart and soul (and patio and grill) Scott puts in to the Cougars.

Indeed, the manager of the Cougars not only puts out lots of fires, he also opens a Can of A Lot of Responsibility. To see how much that Scotty gives to the Cougars each week, just look at how many Cougars it took to try to pick up the slack caused by his absence: (1) Martini hauled the equipment back and forth, set the batting order and made the lineup changes every inning, (2) Fortier returned from all corners of the globe to take over (or reclaim his position) at shortstop, (3) Danielsen affably hosted postgame beer-quaffing festivities, and (4 & 5) your Pinch Blogger (along with his copy editor) is attempting to fill some space on the blog. Unfortunately, our efforts to entice this woman to the Cougars game were unsuccessful, so we couldn’t find anyone to replace all the hugs we usually receive from Scott.

A short digression on our Interim Manager. Knowing that Martini is often the straw that stirs the Cougar drink. Scotty asked Martini to step in to the role of Manager for this week. When it came to making the batting lineup, Martini took a shot with his novel first-come, first-bat approach (which persuaded Philthy to arrive at Howard Park at 4pm only to jam his (non-cavity-filling) fingers making a catch in the first and losing his chance to bat lead off). Martini also shook things up with his Home Depot “do it yourself” approach to lineup changes. Whereas Scotty meticulously plots every substitution and position change, Martini was a little more hands off (“if you were on the bench last inning, find a position this inning”). The only ingredient Martini forgot to add to the lineup was some mojo, and as a result we never had one of our signature Cougar rallies. If only Trouter could have brought some of the MSDS mojo to the game, the Cougars might have been able to stage a rally from behind. But despite Scott’s challenge to beat a winless team, we couldn’t catch a buzz without him.

By the way, some of you might be wondering what was so important that caused our fearless leader to miss the game. Suffice to say, Scott is always looking for an edge to improve the team. To illustrate, let’s first review a little Cougars history:

Scott formed the Cougars in the spring of 2008 after scouring the area for the top softball (or other) talent and aggressively out-recruiting Team Orange for the cream of the local softball crop.

After it became apparent that the Cougars perhaps were not firing on all cylinders in their inaugural season, Scott set out to find the finest (or perhaps only) 16" softball guru in the country. When he found that there was nobody that fit the description, Scott didn’t let that deter him. If there's not a 16" swing coach to be found, Scott decided to create one. How? He found the legendary Joe D, golf swing fixer extraordinaire and 16” legend, convinced him to trek out to Howard to give a hitting lesson to the Willbillies, and the rest is Cougar history.

Before the 2009 season, Scott spent countless days searching for that small edge would push the Cougars over the hump and into the upper 90% of the league. Those research efforts eventually resulted in Scott purchasing four bats that he carefully selected to improve the Cougars’ swings. (It appears that Melchiorre took to heart Scott’s research on the optimal bat weight by hand-carving his version of Wonderboy, a 37 oz behemoth that Babe Ruth would have struggled to swing but that Flannery waved around like a toothpick.)

Never satisfied, Scott continued his unending quest for respectability, by signing a free agent earlier this season, the first addition in the short and undistinguished history of the Cougars – the Stabber, who was immortalized in a previous blog post.

Which brings us to where Scott was this week. Scott learned a lesson from Charlie Weis and Ron Zook: in order to achieve consistent mediocrity, a coach must recruit nationally. So Scott spent this week searching the nation for the best talent to add to the Cougars. Here’s a picture of his scouting trip that kept him from Tuesday’s game. (I don’t want to give away the big announcement, but apparently Scott thinks he’s discovered some help for the Cougars, some guy named Mauer, who will platoon with Oxer at catcher.)

Next week is another big week for the Cougars with SLAM on Tuesday and the Hitmen on Wednesday. Not that the Cougars need any bulletin board (or blog) material to get motivated for the Hitmen game, but it seems the Hitmen may be getting a little overconfident after winning the first two Cross-town Classics. These pictures were taken in Flynn’s garage after another Chicken Shack fueled Hitmen party.

We've not been able to confirm the rumor that Witzy was seen driving through town with a moose strapped to the roof of his car, but expect "Moose" Oxer and the rest of the Cougars to be fired up for that game.

Oh, I almost forgot to recap last week’s Cougars/Gulliver’s game: we lost. Badly.

A Can of Alot of Opportunity

2010-06-30T06:40:00.015-05:00

A three game winning streak. Can you believe it? The opportunity was staring us down and all we thought was, "we can do this." It was a "can of opportunity."

In fact, given we were playing a beatable Generation Y team, it was a "can of a alot of opportunity."

"Can of opportunity, huh?" "Can of alot of opportunity, what?"

Let me explain. You see, the Chieftons are a youthful bunch. We all wanted a victory and I needed some help developing a strategy to beat these kids who are greener than the Cougars. So I went to Trouter.

Our man Glenn is president of a software company where 50% of the workforce is in their 20's. In fact, his company was named one of the top places to work in Chicago for the Generation Y crowd.

Just watch the first 25 seconds of this clip and you'll understand.

Well, sadly, our "can of alot of opportunity" turned into a can of worms.

Like MSDSonline, for the Cougars, some Tuesdays can be a struggle and a challenge but almost every Tuesday is fun. The Trophy Generation Chieftons opened a can of whup-ass on the Gen X and Baby Boomer Cougars.

(Interestingly enough, Melchiorre's firm, Trading Technologies, was also named one of the top Gen Y employers. Um, they must have hid Dave in a closet the day that was decided.)

The fun for the Cougars did not start until the postgame. As usual, we rocked the house. Everywhere you looked there were beer and brats, as in sausages; the kids were well-behaved. Just don't ask the neighbor across the street, who Trouter reported opened a can of crank on the kids on our front porch, "Be quiet! Children, it’s 10 o'clock, you should be in bed. Why are you awake at this late hour? Where is the adult supervision? There are no adults outside! Be quiet. Go to bed. Stop that racket!” That could explain the alley drive-by from Wilmette's finest a little while later.

We did have a ton of friends, families, and neighbors out last night. Tuesday night's troublemakers included some bye-week Hitmen / Hitwomen, who were out to cheer on their comrades, Flynner and OB, who were subbing for the shorthanded Cougars. Heck, even some of the Tappers stopped by after their game. My nieces, nephews, in-laws, and Coach traveled from the south suburbs and Northwest Indiana to get rowdy at the party. Our neighbor, Kimberly, who lives next door to the crank, enjoyed the shindig as well. Maybe it was Oscar who called the police? Hmm.

We will never regain our youth but we sure can act like 20-year olds at the postgame.

At 9:00 p.m. next week Miller Time is on tap, and this time we plan to bring a can opener.

Apostrophe Catastrophe

2010-06-23T09:40:00.017-05:00

In my younger days I was punctuationally challenged. I could not get it right. Literally, IT was brutal for me. C'mon, is it, its, its' or it's? Fortunately, Julie came to the rescue. You see, we were living together in college (well, to be honest, it was my fifth year of undergrad - with two more to go - and her first year of grad school - and I'm older than she - or is it her); and I was struggling with certain parts of my writing assignments, especially the apostrophe. So she made this cheat sheet for me 18 years ago, which I still keep tucked away in my trusty Chicago Manual of Style.

What in the world does this have to do with softball? Well, we played last year's runner-up last night. The Brew-Ha's are ragtag bunch of smart and experienced players and always seem to find a path to victory. But their punctuation is way off. I mean, really, what are they possessing? It sure isn't a victory.

Good readers, you will be elated to know that your Cougars (not Cougar's or Cougars') laughed and Brew Ha-Ha'd to an 8-4 victory last night. We schooled them - grammar schooled that is.

The Cougars put an exclamation point down in the first inning while scoring thrice and held the linguistic losers to a lone run. In fact, we did not give up more than one run in any inning. We punctuated our three run inning with a couple of runs in the middle innings and then bookended the game with three more runs.

No question marks in this victory - we kicked asterisks!

Here are some of the highlights:

Hogs made a couple outstanding plays in the infield, including snagging a smashed grounder and then diving to tag the advancing runner.
Philthy went against the green and wore his white soccer gear. He will gladly pay up in Kangaroo Court for not wearing Cougar green as he went 3 for 3 last night.
Under pressure with two outs and a man on third, Bobi crushed a single to give us a late inning insurance run and played a great second base. (Thank goodness our man has a writer for a wife so he knows when to use Bobis' or Bobises or Bobi).
Martini was all-purpose last night. He played a larcenous 3B, taunted the opponent with his one inning on the mound, sparked us at bat every time and positioned the outfielders correctly ("this guy pulls it...or he might go to right").
Diddy was once again a hero in left field. He caught everything hit in his vicinity. Captain Brew Ha was screaming at his team to not hit it to left field. He performed his magic at the plate as well.
The Dean of Bean pitched a marvelous masterpiece. He was money with so many first pitch strikes.
Captain Cougar, trying to get some mojo from Philthy, sported a gray shirt and green bandana, was a HR away from the cycle.
Lipsey and consistency rhyme for a reason. The Joke Writer played a flawless CF and hammered the ball at the plate.
Postgame Allstar made a number of sweet catches at first base digging the ball out of the dirt.
Flandog was once again a solid defender and knocked in an RBI.
Trouter showed up a bit late because of Trevian coaching duty but cheered us on heartily. As good as Trouter is at the game, he is even better at the postgame.
JOx still has not paid his entry fee so I am not sure I can give him props, although he did have the best chatter behind the plate. My guess is that he is still looking for a Cougar Coupon for a discounted fee. (Next year he should try Groupon.com.) JOx did point out that he has been at two games this season and we have won both of them.
Speaking of undefeated, The Stabber is truly the only player unbeaten in his Cougar career. Since we have added him to the roster two games ago he has played marvelously and not experienced a loss. The Cougars were like a fading sitcom that adds a new character to the mix in order to boost ratings. Typically those added characters tank, but for the Cougars, its' - its - it's working. Let's just hope that when he grows up he does better than the little boy from Family Ties. Cute and Oh My! (You gotta click these links, people.)

A brew-ha always tastes sweeter after a victory:

Winning is special and it is even more rewarding when we can share it with our families and friends. Thanks again to all the wives, kids, and friends that made it out last night (hmm, were the Hitmen compiling a scouting report?).

Here are handful of the young gang enjoying a late night:

The Cougars have a two game winning streak and aim to extend it next Tuesday at 8:00pm against the youthful Chieftons. Anyone reading this is invited to the game and postgame. Without a doubt, you'll have a funner and excitinger time than at a Cub's or White Sock's game.

Copia Capital Cougars

2010-05-26T09:42:00.041-05:00

"I've got a guy."

C'mon, when you are in a bind, those are the words you want to hear from a buddy. The only other great phrase that saves is "I've got a tool for that."

I've got a guy.

Sweet words when you are in a tight spot.

Those of you that enjoyed last week's Know Your Cougar quiz know that the team has had spotty attendance this year leaving Captain Cougar scrambling for a full squad every game. Yesterday, I thought we were all set for our big match against the Tappers and then in the late afternoon things went sideways. I needed a guy.

I've got a guy.

Flannery let me know that if I was ever in a pickle, he knew a great person that he worked with, who lives in Wilmette and would like to give 16-inch softball a try.

I've got a guy.

I figured if Tim can pick players like he picks equities he may follow the Forbes magazine article about him and his hedge fund with a Softball Prospectus feature.

I fired off my electronic distress signal at 3:51pm. Knowing that Tim is laser focused at work and might miss the note, I also emailed Stephanie, who truly runs the shop over at Copia Capital. Nine minutes later my prayers were answered.

"Dan Bookstaber will play" is what Stephanie's message read.

Bookstaber is young, handsome, smart and athletic. The Cougars have a shallow reservoir of these traits. Bookstaber is Martin 20 years ago. Heck, he is Melchiorre 30 years ago.

The trustworthy and dependable Stephanie once again demonstrated her hustle and we now had a complete team. Even though the VIX has surged 57% in May, Copia Capital keeps cool and cares for the Cougars!

The Cougars/Tappers matchup was highly anticipated. Both teams are made up of McKenzie dads and both tend to be basement dwellers in the standings. To give the game a bit of spice, losers were buying the pizza.

Your blogger was excited because this was potentially the first game this season in which the game could actually be a topic of the recap.

The Cougars came out strong and touched the dish five times in the top of the first. We followed with a couple more in the second inning.

The Tappers followed suit and crossed home plate a few times in the middle innings. The Cougars were able to limit the runs and stop the rallies with a couple of inning-ending double plays. Melchiorre started the first key DP and the second twin killing was a beautiful Fortier - Flannery - Danielsen that got us out of a jam.

In the top of the sixth inning the Cougars led by two. You don't need to be a quant jock or a hedgie to know that is not enough cushion. Well, in the dugout, the Copia Capital boys ran a little technical analysis and determined that what was necessary in this situation was a type of hit that would enable a batter to step on all four bases.

So Bookstaber gracefully walks up to to the plate in his third at bat - ever - and proceeds to crush the ball to the right center gap and gracefully rounds every base to become tied for the top position on the Cougar all-time home run leaderboard.

Sharing the HR leaderboard honors with Bookstaber is Lipsey. Our man Lipsey hit a grand slam two years ago to fuel the Cougars to victory.

In the top of the seventh, although leading, the Cougars wanted a few more insurance runs. Lipsey, feeling like he needed some insurance not to lose his HR King status, knew he needed to come up with something special to show the new guy, (who is 20 years his junior) that the old man still has it in him. Not joking around, Pete stepped up to the plate and with every muscle in his 48.5 year body pounded the ball and whipped around the bases to cap a productive seventh inning and to retake the HR title.

In the bottom of the 7th, Bookstaber knew that unless the Tappers tied the game, he would not have a chance to show up Lipsey on offense. Instead, he decided he would show off on the other side of the ball. With one out, a line shot was hit to his left, he snatched it out of the air, turned 180 degrees and fired the ball to first base for a game ending double play.

Wearing his Cougar green Copia Capital jersey, The Stabber shows his postgame elation. He is an undefeated star!

It was a competitive, well-played and truly enjoyable game for both sides. After the game, both teams headed to the postgame to celebrate the gifts of summer and friendship. We even had a number of the Hitmen partying with us later in the night.

Even though it was a school night, it was outstanding to see so many families out at the game and the postgame. There had to be 30 adults and even more kids before they had to go to bed.

It was a great night and it will be even better next year if Josh and I can talk the park district into creating competitive and recreational divisions so that we can play each other twice a year.

The Cougars have a bye next week but plan to come out and root for the Tappers.

Here are a few of shots of last night's game.

And a few shots of the postgame.

Know Your Cougar

2010-05-18T22:31:00.018-05:00

The Cougars lost but we had three highlights last night.

First, Flannery made an outstanding shoestring catch in right field, a position he has not played before, and followed it by doubling up the runner on first base.

Second, it is always a joy to see the table that Wolfie brings to every game in order to manage Grandpa's.

Third, we were treated to an absolutely gorgeous sky after the game.

We lost to one of the best teams in the league and once again we were short-handed. For our entire Cougar existence, we have not needed replacement players. But in the first three games this year, we have needed three different subs.

The economy is making all of us work just a bit harder to stay afloat. Well, all except Oxer who is Oxerizing it in Italy. In fact, there has not been an Oxer sighting in months. We know he is alive because Costco has not gone out of business yet. Although he lives 50 yards from Howard Park, he may need directions because he has not made one practice or game yet this year.

So to help Oxer and the rest of us get reacquainted let's play everyone's favorite game: Know Your Cougar.

Know Your Cougar

Which Cougar has lived in Australia, twice?
Which Cougar got death threats when he crossed a Teamster picket line?
Which Cougar gave the commencement speech for his college graduating class?
Which Cougar was the starting quarterback for his high school football team?
Which Cougar met his wife at a Tupperware party?
Which Cougar is a champion Pinewood Derby racer?
Which Cougar was a champion BMX bicycle racer as a youth?
Which Cougar road tripped over 300 miles in the back of a U-Haul with his fraternity brothers?
Which Cougar is attending the 2011 Super Bowl at Cowboys Stadium?
Which Cougar did not start dating until after high school?
Which Cougar was held up at gunpoint while working at a restaurant?
Which Cougar has run a marathon (other than Lipsey)?
Which Cougar has written three screenplays?
Which Cougar had the nickname "Bases" in high school?
Which Cougar currently takes heart medication?

Know Your Substitute Cougar

Which Substitute Cougar was on Family Feud?
Which Substitute Cougar was suspended in junior high for bringing weapons to school (Chinese stars)?
Which Substitute Cougar has played for every team in the league?

Picture That Cougar

After last week's popular retro pictorial, here are a couple bonus photo questions.

Look at the clean uniform this Cougar had back in the day.

Although it seems like it, this is not a mug shot.

Now that we know each other again, we are truly ready to start the season. Next week we play fellow McKenzie dads so it will be a great game with an even better postgame. See you next week!

___________________________________________________________

Answer Key

Know Your Cougar

Fortier
Radtke, S
Bobis
Trout
Hoglund
Lipinski
Radtke, M
Otsuka
Flannery
Danielsen
Melchiorre
Oxer (yes, Oxer)
Lipsey
Martin (it is a soccer thing, not a girl thing)
McDonnell

Know Your Substitute Cougar

Witz
Yulish
Jablonowski

Picture That Cougar

McDonnell
Melchiorre

Officially a Cougar

2010-05-11T12:31:00.036-05:00

Although last night's scheduled opponent has won three straight championships, surprisingly it wasn't their reign that did us in last night. The fields were drenched and the downpour canceled our affair at Howard Park.

I thought the rainout would give me a breather from writing the blog. But the publisher called and said "Even though there isn't a game, you have to write about Cougars. People need their weekly Cougar." Thankfully, he never specified which type of Cougar.

You see, the blog's title refers to a special 40th birthday we are celebrating on Thursday. That is the day my lovely bride is served her official Cougar papers.

Her loving, caring and thoughtful family has had a month-long countdown on the kitchen chalkboard.

We had an early celebration with family on Mother's Day. Her favorite gift was Def Leppard cd's. As we will soon see, a true product of the 80's. Unta Gleeben Glouten Globen.

I thought it would be fun to share some of the favorite pics from the last 40 years. I mean, what woman doesn't want to be surprised by seeing her teenage pictures posted on the world wide web. So in honor of her four decades, here is a quick pictorial spin.

Here is baby Julie at 6 months old. Was color photography available 40 years ago?

Adorable at age 2.

Julie flashing her mom's smile.

Here is Julie and her brother, Greg. He had not reached Diddy status just yet.

Conversation heard in the Otsuka household before the picture was taken. "Honey, will you get your level and make sure their bangs are straight." The 70's - good times.

This is proof that Julie did play at least one year of soccer in 1980. After a 30 year layoff, she will be strutting her skills on May 23rd. Go McKenzie!

Roller skating was the thing to do!

Julie: "Dad, get that level away from me!"
Greg: "Bring it on! The straighter the better."

Not sure, but this may be a head shot she submitted for a John Hughes movie.

High school senior year portrait.

Ok, if we are sharing senior pictures, it is only fair that your Andrew McCarthy wannabe shares his as well. This could be a nominee for the senior year picture unintentional comedy award. Two shots in one. Check. Middle part. Check. Feathered hair. Check. A bit of a mullet. Check. White suit. Check. Matching tie. Check. Feeling like an idiot over 20 years later. Check.

Here is Julie just hours before being crowned Thornwood High School's 1988 Prom Queen.

Here is Julie gracing the campus at the University of Illinois.

Although this picture was taken in the 90's and our style moved out of the 80's, the orange carpet makes it look like the 70's.

Here is a recent family picture. Is it possible that we will we look back in 20 years and think, "What the heck were we thinking with those hairdos and clothes?!?"

Julie is very comfortable with turning 40. In fact, I think it helped when I told her, "You may be 40, but in Cougar years you are only one."

Greening the Earth

2010-05-05T06:23:00.030-05:00

This is the season when everything starts turning green and Cougar Green just enhances the magnificent landscape. Last night, the masses that were assembled at Howard Park were immersed in Mother Earth's springtime gift. This is what we Chicagoans live for after a hard brutal winter. Our senses were treated like royalty. We had sun on our skin, cheers in our ears, and tint in our squint.

Howard Park's lilac bushes were in full bloom. The purifying scent coupled with the soft breeze made me feel like a fabric softener sheet was stuck up my nose.

The Cougars played Timeless last night and lost in 7 innings. Yes, Timeless is a new team, however, their name is a bit of a misnomer. You see, Timeless is made up of every player from Miller Time, except one - Johnny Miller. The team should be named Millerless. This team is still one of the best in the league and is always a contender for the title.

After the first two innings, we were down 10-1 and it was not looking sunny. I should not have had such a poor outlook for our team, you know, maybe things would not be as bad I as I thought.

It was like the time I was drinking a LaCroix and and left it sitting on the counter for a while. At first, I was disappointed that my drink lost all its carbonation and I was about to give up on it. But then I remembered, my effervescent drink without the fizz is simply water. Invigorating, energizing, revitalizing, life-giving water. There was hope after all!

The Cougars were left for dead in the 5th inning, just before the slaughter rule was in effect. Some Cougars must have had a water baptism in the dugout and were granted a different type of mercy because we were resurrected through line shots and hard grounders. Our bats had risen. Risen indeed.

Here are some of the highlights.

Melchiorre pitched a walk-free game. Even more impressive because he had to fend off the strong wind and rockets hit to his knees.
Fortier once again made a great play with an over the shoulder catch that he turned into a double play. I think only Fortier can "pull a Fortier."
There was a ball hit far over my head in center. It was hit so far that we needed two cutoff men just to get it to home plate to nail the runner trying for a homer. Tinkers to Evers to Chance has nothing on Radtke to Fortier to Martin to Flannery.

We did have high hopes for last night's game given our near victory last week. In the end, we did lose but put up a valiant effort.

I think I know why we lost and are now 0-2. We have only practiced twice this season and unless you count hot yoga or cold shoveling, our workouts have not been demanding. In some cases, exercise did not exist. Case in point: Diddy's treadmill.

I guess what I am saying is that the Cougars spent the offseason finding new storage areas for toys in our houses and for fat on our bodies.

Trouter turned into a pig in the winter months.

Oxer demonstrates here that you are what you eat.

The economy has hit everybody hard, especially the Cougars. We already knew Melchiorre was a great pitcher but here we see him pitching for the cleanup spot.

Here is Lipinski trying to earn a few bucks by lobbying for the high fructose corn syrup business and trying to fatten the rest of the population.

And lastly, here is Diddy as Charlie Brown. A true Cougar parallel given that we also are lovable losers. Like Charlie, we also head out to the park time after time, filled with determination and hope and resolving to kick that football, or hit that home run, as the case may be.

In the end, our weekly Lucy always pulls the football away and we head to the postgame. Like ol' Chuck, we sit around and make sarcastic jibes to lament our ridiculous actions and bad luck.

There is an upside to our weekly Tuesday gatherings. We learn such gripping answers such as, "does Dave drink from a bottle or a cup?"

Following up on last week's ridiculous bionic woman discussion, we learned last night that when one checks into a hotel room, especially the seedy ones, always look under the bed for a bag of porn and in the Bible for a wad of cash (contributor will remain nameless). Finally, it was decided that the Financial Times is downright the best damn newspaper on Earth.

So another great night ends just before Wednesday morning strikes and now we have only seven days until Cougar Green meets Keefe Orange.

140 Cougar Characters

2010-04-29T09:12:00.005-05:00

Twitterstyle. Last inning rally but lost by one. Martin DP the best of year. Pizza & ibuprofen. Jamie Summers didn’t have bionic private parts.

40, Unemployed and Sterile

2010-02-26T14:57:00.002-06:00

Yes, that was me just a few short weeks ago. When I turned 40 last summer, I remained vibrant, enthusiastic and cheerful. In fact, I welcomed 40.

No worries here. Life was grand.

I rolled with 40 for a while, you know, kept the line moving. Then, after a few months, I was thrown a couple of high arcs that Joe D. did not teach me how to crush.

Two management team meetings changed my lineup.

First, the management team of our startup company decided to maximize value by consummating a merger. Second, the management team of our household decided to minimize value by preventing any merger consummation.

Both had bankruptcy implications.

In the first instance, we were attempting to grow business operations and avoid a Chapter 11 reorganization. In the second, we were ceasing reproductive operations and headed straight for a Chapter 7 liquidation.

Sacked. Twice. Laid-off. Twice. Early retirement. Twice.

At work, I had a generous severance package. At home, my generous package was severed.

Unemployment leads to voluntary self-discovery and you can keep the results to yourself. Sterilization leads to mandatory self-discovery, and the results must be shared in a cup with the doctor every four weeks.

So in the middle innings of life I was getting slaughtered. One of the things that brought my spirits up during this difficult time was the thought of Cougar softball (and the fact that I was re-employed a few weeks later).

And now, opening night, April 27^th, is only two months away. Who will be in camp this year?

Let me know. Are you in or out?

Loyal Order of Moose

2009-12-07T22:41:00.026-06:00

If the Cougars placed a personal ad on match.com or gocougar.com, the profile would summarize our interests as: softball, poker, partying, and reading the blog that recaps all the softball, poker and partying.

We already have one professional comedian on our team (every Saturday Lipsey can be heard at 9:30am 820AM and is available for private gigs), but the team treated your softball CEO like Rodney Dangerfield on Friday night by badgering Captain Cougar into an offseason blog entry (they said something about me having gobs of time on my hands, huh, wonder what that means).

You see, the blog curtain always drops 24 hours after the last out of the season. No fake encores here in Cougartown. This is unlike most concerts when the the band goes off stage, but the house lights are still down. You know the band is coming back or they would have raised the lights. So you have to sit there and clap and feel like a complete tool until the band comes back on stage.

Well, your author is back on stage, but wait! The lights are not just down, they are completely out. It is like a fuse has been blown.

Let's back the story up a bit for the folks who were not at the Moose Lodge on Friday night.

Nobody had a kid-free house for a poker night so I decided to hold it in my garage. You know, bring my South Side roots to the North Shore. When the forecast called for a 20 degree temperature, Oxer generously offered his well-appointed brick garage. Add in some Melchiorre space heaters and, my friends, you have Cougar Poker.

The house lights were like strobe lights in the beginning of the night. We had two electrical delays because we blew some fuses and sat in the dark for a bit. ComEd wannabes Lipinski and Melchiorre made it all 220 or 221, whatever it took.

We had nine Cougars as well as a couple players from the archenemy Hitmen. We are 0-2 against them on the dirt and hoped to slaughter them on the felt. To gain a seat at the table a bit of sartorial hazing was required for the Men of Hit.

The game started fast with Witzy and Bobis going all-in on the first hand. We hit Fifth Street and Witzy was already reaching into his pocket for a rebuy. After that, the pace slowed to a typical Cougar poker game (lots of Cougar banter, less poker playing).

That is, of course, until Martin busted out. For some reason anytime he busts out the blinds get exponentially bigger and he keeps the button moving along so the next game can start.

The first game ended with your captain and JOx chopping the pot. Moose decided to split it because he thought I might go Palin on him and he would end up field dressed.

Speaking of pot, the halftime entertainment was a giant pot of chili made by our gracious host. It was a tasty dish that hit the spot and was a precursor to the delicious homemade cupcakes by the Oxer girls.

What we love about Moose is that he can never be regular (by the way, thanks to another Hitman, Kennett, for the Moose nickname). Whether it's boots, umbrellas or rounding the bases, he always Oxerizes it.

Yes, that is a word. I submitted it to Webster a few months ago and it was accepted for the 2010 dictionary.

Oxerize (v) ahx-er-ahyz
1. to make larger or more powerful; especially by adding details to
2. to increase in size, extent, effect, etc., as by the addition of extra material; augment; enlarge; expand
3. to make Cougars giddy

Example: You don't just rent a limo; damn it, you get the largest pinkest limo on earth!

Other highlights from the night include:

Bobis being asked by a Mrs. Oxer. "What TV star do you look like?" "You know, a cop that is on TV." The Cougars thought we were having a Tiger moment ("Hey, it's Bobis, can you take your name off your voicemail.") In the end, we determined that she was thinking of Baretta or Columbo.

Nirvana's All Apologies was jammin' on the iTunes and Oxer says (in all seriousness) "I love Pearl Jam!" I think a few of us peed in our pants on that one.

Speaking of iTunes, ok, I went overboard with all my GnR. I have man love for Axl.

The cigars were a big hit, just not with wives or the washing machine the next day (tip - not a bright idea to throw cigar infested clothes in with the family's clothes).

Rads was compared to Buttermaker of Bad News Bears fame more than one time. (See, no respect.) No beer cans in the Cougar dugout (only red cups for me - I follow Philthy's lead).

With the liquor draining quickly, a few of us predicted Dr. Phil would mimic The Hangover and pull out a tooth to demonstrate his dental abilities.

Overhearing that the Hitmen are "friends with benefits."

Wilmette's favorite son, Diamond Dave Melchiorre, grooving to Eminem's Lose Yourself in his own little world for about 30 seconds before folding his hand.

Oh yeah, by the way, your captain won the second game too.

Thanks again to the Oxer family for letting us invade the premises. I get a bit worried that I might not be invited back to the Oxer household given the grief the Radtke family gives them. The first party I was ever invited to there, my then 5 year old, Charley, called 911 from their house inviting Wilmette's finest to the house. The second party had my brother, Marc, sitting in the only chair without protective felt on the bottom of the legs resulted in a badly scratched floor. This time the only thing that went sideways was an outdoor light fixture inexplicably falling to the ground at some point. I blame my only relative in attendance, Diddy, my brother-in-law.

We are loyal to the Moose but seem to bust him out every time.

Postscript
Mark your calendars. The next poker game will be in January 2010 (we need a date and host). Practice starts in March and the first game is April 27th.

The Cougar Blog will see you on the 28th of April!

Superb Season

2009-08-05T10:54:00.047-05:00

It was 477 days ago that the Cougars officially came into existence. I truly find it amazing how much we have accomplished as a team on the field.

We had some unbelievable moments this year: Plays at the plate. Relays and cutoffs. Game winning hits. Sweet swings. Double plays. Acrobatic catches. Doubleheader sweep. Clothing infractions.

Here are a few statistics.

2008: Slaughtered 11 of 14 games
2009: Slaughtered 4 of 14 games

2008: Allowed 175 runs
2009: Allowed 139 runs

2008: Scored total 43 runs
2009: Scored total 76 runs

2008: Won 2 games
2009: Won 4 games

Wow, we were truly green last year! By these measures, the Cougars have demonstrated considerable progress.

It is essential to have these numeric benchmarks so that we may sharpen our skills to meet the weekly summer challenge. Every Tuesday we exercise our bodies and exorcise our competitiveness.

However, at this juncture of our lives, we should not measure our success or sense of worth by this or any data. (Yup, you guessed it, here it comes, more end of year sappy words).

Our friendships and our camaraderie are incalculable. Every Tuesday we all create memories for ourselves and our children.

Moreover, Tuesdays with Cougars will lower your stress, prevent sickness, and help you live longer. As it says in this New York Times article, “The consistent message of these studies is that friends make your life better.”

As stated in our first blog entry ever, the main goal with this team was to get a night out, be relatively competitive and quaff a few cold ones after the games. Since that time, the Cougars turned into a fraternity which spawned a sorority as well as a kids’ social organization.

Anyone can be a member of Cougar Nation. We welcome everyone and membership is free. The requirements are simple: root for us (unless, of course, we are playing your team) and celebrate with us.

Last night was a gathering to remember. Although the adults may have some memory lapses because we drank like prohibition was going into effect today.

Here are a few images to help you recall the night.

Here are our bag champions of the night.

If you can believe it, I think we are missing a half dozen kids from this picture.

Nope, it does not stop there. Yes, the adults had fun but the kids had a funner time than us. Watch the videos and see for yourself.

The kids danced…

… and the kids sang.

And needless to say, the role models consumed drinks…

…and the role models consumed snacks.

Beer, wine, margaritas and juice boxes were the drinks of choice last night. The pulled pork and sliced brisket were bigger hits than any we had in the actual game (by the way, we lost 10-0).

Smoque is the place to go. Do yourself a favor and relive your gastronomic experience.

Day 478 will be tough for all of us. Softball is over and summer is winding down (if it ever got here). Soon, the Cougars will be on to other offseason activities. Fortunately, many of these pursuits will be done together. In our offseason, we have many things to look forward to so we will not suffer from Cougar withdrawal: poker, tennis, hoops, paddle, yoga, running, biking, sailing, and the McK Variety Show (and, hmmm, did I hear Vegas discussed last night?).

The blog is putting up the Gone Fishin’ sign until next season. We will see all of you on the streets of Wilmette.

Thanks to everyone for making this another superb season!

Cougars Bag Two

2009-07-29T13:32:00.029-05:00

Two games.

Two wins.

Two postgames.

The Cougars triumphed in a dual duel last night.

Hall of Famer Ernie Banks is well-known for his catch phrase, “It’s a beautiful day for a ballgame…Let’s play two!” Fittingly, we scored his jersey number in each game.

C’mon, 28 runs scored in a night? The Cougars needed Dramamine from spinning around the bases all night.

What gives?

Well, maybe it is because we played angrier than ever. Last week was a brutal one for the Cougars. First, we suffered a crushing defeat and then the Cougars Wives and Fan Club continue the postgame party and have more fun than the actual Cougars. Here they are at Bluestone where they are chatting up the resident jailbait. I think they are vying to be the next star of The Cougar.

Going into the night, with a doubleheader, we thought be would be dancing a two-step on the diamond.

On the front end of our double date, the Marauders had us tap dancing instead and put a scare into us in the top of the first inning when they dropped four runs on us. We got our bearings back, used some fancy footwork, scored two in the bottom of the inning and chipped away for the next four innings for a final score of 14-4.

After that game we took our annual team picture and hustled to my backyard garden and turned on the beer spigot in order to irrigate our throats for the first celebration of the night.

After watering our intestines, we mowed on back to the park.

The second game of the twin bill was a SLAM-dance. The Cougars brought tremors to Howard Park because of our Marauder momentum. By the end of the first inning the Wilmette Richter scale was dialed to ten. We came out with five quick ones in the top half of the inning. By the fifth inning we had ten runs and we stymied one of the league’s best teams to only one run over the same span. Later, we had one tough inning when the momentum started to shift and we almost dropped a deuce in our pants, but taking Joe D’s advice, I huddled at the mound with Melchiorre and used the ‘ol slowdown tactic. We added a few runs in the 6th and 7th innings and were 14-7 victors.

There were countless highlights – here are the best.

Fortier was 7-7 for the night. He owned the bathpaths, played a killer shortstop and led the way to victory.
Otsuka was a defensive marvel in left field. He made outstanding catches in his pasture highlighted by a running catch in foul territory with his back slamming against the fence.
While in left field, Diddy fired a ball to Martin at third base to double up the runner, which got us out of a tight spot.
Melchiorre was Sidd Finch last night. He was practically unhittable. For 9 of the 12 innings we played yesterday, Dave and our defense held our opponents scoreless. Dave also helped his cause with clutch hits and ran the bases like Oxer.
Oxer punishes opponents with his baserunning. He is spraying shots at the plate and tearing around the bases. He took flight and landed on home plate for the winning run in game one. In the second game, when he was on bases we could not stop him from running around the bases to his assigned defensive position. Someone needs to tell him that just because he is the catcher does not mean he owns home plate.
Flannery was our keystone pivot man. As the “4” position in the 6-4-3 double play, he coolly seized a throw from Fortier, elegantly swept his cleat across second base and chucked the ball to me at first base to end a SLAM rally and an inning. A double play is considered a pitcher’s best friend, but Flan-Dog wanted to be Dave's BFF on offense as well. Flannery had crucial hits to to gain some love from Melchiorre. This may or may not have something to do with Tim switching bats based on Coach’s suggestion (The Cougars are anxiously awaiting Tim’s analysis on this).
Martin. Where do I begin? With his degenerating hips and knees, he walks down the sidewalk like Fred Sanford but if you put him in any sort of competition he turns into Usain Bolt. He has an innate ability to see things on the field that others don’t. From batting practice to the postgame, the guy is constantly chattering and helping the Cougars improve. He is our EF Hutton. He backs it up on the field too. He teases and challenges batters with his positioning and gets them to take the bait. He works the pitcher and turns singles into doubles. I may be the leader of the team but he is our field captain.

In the end, the Cougars were exhausted and exhilarated. The huge crowd emptied the stands, kept the momentum and packed the postgame party. Thanks again to so many family and friends that attend our games - we do appreciate it! We also thank the Hitmen, Hitwomen and the Marauders for cheering us on in left field!

Typically, sitting in one of Dr. McDonnell’s chairs is not a pleasant event. Last night, Phil and Meg served up an event that kept us in our seats well past midnight.

Here is Philthy feeding the hungry Cougars. We had loads of pizza and cheesy beef, chicken parm, and meatball sandwiches.

Thanks to Flannery and Fortier raiding their wine cellars, we enjoyed a few bottles of champagne. We skipped the appearance, bouquet, taste and aftertaste analysis. We simply raised our glass and cheered an exceptional team effort.

Then we drank more beer. Then we played bags. Then we finished off the celebration with shots of tequila (then we drank more beer).

Sober up boys!

Our back to back victories to end the regular season have put us in a round 1 playoffs rematch with SLAM.

Next Tuesday, the season starts over again.

Enthusiasm. Momentum. Celebration.

See you out there!

Green Shoots Turn Into Brown Manure

2009-07-22T11:02:00.036-05:00

Today’s entry comes to you from Kenosha, WI.

You have all heard me say too many times (most recently last week) that after a tough loss it only takes the short walk over to the postgame to bounce back after a loss.

Not so yesterday.

Last night my walk took me many miles north to walk off the loss. Thankfully, Matt Foley was my walking mate. He has talked me out of the river and I am headed back to the flatlands.

We will carry that loss for a long long time. I have experienced some tough sporting losses in my recreational career but this one may top the list.

I am not sure what is lower this year - our run output or my ComEd bill.

The great news is that we had our biggest crowd of the year last night. The kids were so excited for the game. Check out the wonderful homemade sign by Annika.

Although he was hard to spot though the sea of fans, I am pretty sure Ben Bernanke was in the crowd during the first inning because I saw green shoots.

With seven runs in that first inning, it was like we were printing money in the field giving us a glimmer of hope. Then, as the game progressed, our green shoots turned into brown manure.

The Cougars, after our first inning stimulus package, needed some quantitative easing because our bats, like current real interest rates, were close to zero.

We went to extra innings but came out on the losing end of the trade, 10-9.

After the game, we headed over to postgame. You would have thought Mr. Miyagi helped organize the shindig because Danielsen had quite a spread. The food was better than eating at Arnold's.

In the end, it was an excellent matchup against a worthy opponent. We need to dust ourselves off and find the silver linings. More often than not, we can learn more from losing than winning, which is why we are the smartest team in the league.

Let’s hope the Cougar Wives Fan Club has a better showing for their Thursday night outing. Fittingly, they will take their own afterparty to Bluestone, which according to this first reviewer, is a bona fide Cougar den.

Truly, the best part of last night’s game is the fact that it was a brilliant summer night and we had a kid-friendly start time. Here are the real highlights from the game:

This one below is my favorite.

As you may be able to tell, the next two photos were taken in the late innings.

Our fans finished first last night. As you can see, everyone had a great time.

Noticably missing are pictures of the team. Maybe next week with smiles on our faces.

Our currency suffered some devaluation last night but we need to shed our legacy assets (um, liabilities) and have an upsurge of optimism for a full recovery next week.

__________________________________________________________

As a postscript and for the record, here is evidence that my spikes were not up during my slide. The Cougars like to get dirty but we play clean.

Friendship Frenzy

2009-07-15T09:06:00.003-05:00

Fear not, dear readers. The alliteration in today’s title will not lead to any off-color f-bombs given the result of the game. As always, the Cougar blog is family friendly.

Last night, the Cougars faced off against the Hitmen. The occasion was promoted as a McKenzie bragging rights battle. The Cougars plan was to perform like a band of merry thieves and steal a victory from the dastardly Hitmen.

The Hitmen were geared up for the game and a bit worried about us, which was demonstrated by their early morning batting practice over the weekend. The Cougars spent their weekend time playing mixed doubles at Vattmann while holding the star shortstop for the Hitmen hostage on the tennis courts.

It was a magnificent setting at Howard Park last night. Daniel Fahrenheit would have been delighted.

Our tax dollars garnered us a superbly groomed field, replete with velvety green blades of grass and smooth grains of sand under perfectly positioned chalk lines.

The event that occurred on that patch of earth was not as splendid.

Typically after a rough game, I require only the couple hundred steps from Howard Park to the postgame party in my backyard in order to gain my composure and forget about the game.

Last night my tank was filled to the brim with high octane fuel and, thankfully, Fortier hosted the postgame and the two extra blocks of walking helped.

I used this extra distance to think about why we play sports as adults and why it is so important to us.

We have our kids play sports to learn teamwork and sportsmanship as well as to build strong minds and bodies – and most importantly – to have fun (well, that, and also for them to earn a college scholarship so they can then move to the professional ranks thereby funding our early retirement).

So why do we play as adults? Well, of course, because it is fun. But we play for other reasons too. We play for the adrenaline rush. We play for the competition. We play for the sense of achievement. We play for exercise. We play for the diversion from our jobs. We play for the social venue. We play for the brotherhood and friendship.

I believe that forging friendships is the most essential point in sports, especially for those of us on the downhill side of 40. In fact, it becomes even more vital when the win/loss scale is leaning considerably on the “L” side and not the “W” side.

The depth of Cougar friendships is evidenced by Otsuka and Bobis. They have been friends since the 4th grade. They would do everything together back then. Many years ago they sealed their friendship with a promise that they would always wear matching clothes.

Here they are as youths demonstrating their alliance to each other.

They have kept their pact and are still in harmony after all these years.

Greg and Jeff - what a pair! After more than 25 years of friendship, their synchronization is still intact.

We all know the cavernous depth of Cougar comradeship.

However, the Cougars are not an exclusive group. We have an open relationship rule and we continually practice softball polygamy.

It is for only one hour each year that the Cougars and Hitmen are mortal enemies. We truly enjoy each other's company the other 8,765 hours a year.

Presenting the photographic proof:

We sing together.

We play bags together.

We go the beach together.

We ride the Ferris wheel together.

These photos validate the man-love we have for each other. But there is one cross-border relationship truly illustrates the strength of the Cougar/Hitmen bond.

Trouter of the Cougars and Flynner of the Hitmen have known each other for almost as long as Bobi and Diddy.

Here they are displaying their initial bonding days. Like Jeff and Greg, Glenn and Mike have made a lifetime lookalike pact.

They have become more sophisticated over the years, moving up from wearing sheets and drinking from plastic cups to become distinguished sportcoat wearing drinkers.

The picture above may have been taken last night because Glenn and Mike were nowhere to be found during the game but they dutifully showed up for the postgame.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the game. It was raucous affair! The Cougars came out a swingin’. We put two quick ones on the board in the top of the first and had the Hitmen on their heels. The Hitmen came roaring back in the bottom of the inning and took the lead with three runs. In the subsequent innings we squeezed out a couple more runs but in the end the Hitmen scored more than us.

In Vegas, 22 never pays, and in Wilmette, 4 runs will never put you in the money.

It was so great to have loads of fans at the game last night. Through my Romper Room magic mirror in center field, I saw many Lady Cougars and Hitwomen as well as tons of families and friends. The throng of fans made for a spectacular night.

After the busted game, everyone moseyed on over to the Fortier residence. Not surprisingly, Susan and Steve had quite a spread.

We were supplied with a great selection of green bottles filled with malted barley. Spirits were up and spirits were downed.

We were also fed like champions. Steve grilled and served up his now famous kielbasa along with the requisite mustard dip.

The Hitmen celebrated by gnawing on fowl at the Oh coop and then joined the Cougars for a night of Wilmette solidarity.

Like the promise rings that kids exchange, we thought it would be appropriate to seal our Cougar/Hitman accord with a ceremonial injured finger handshake. Pictured here are the hands of Susan Flynn and Dave Melchiorre, both of whom suffering from "old person recreational league park district softball" injuries.

The treaty was potentially violated during the latter half of the party. Unbeknownst to some partygoers, there was some front yard shenanigans. The Fortier house was lovingly and affectionately TP’d. Here are the morning after remnants.

We are still not sure who the culprits are but the Cougars are holding the Hitkids and the Hitmen responsible.

Not to be outdone on the front yard practical jokes, Oxer and I put Flynn’s house up for rent at about 1:30am. This blog's photographer was able to snap a picture of it this morning before someone leased it.

Overall, it was a great night.

Many kids got to stay up way, way way past their bedtime. I told my kids this morning that it is pretty neat that they get to go to bed twice today.

Many parents also missed their bedtime last night and slept right through their wake up call this morning thanks to all of these empty bottles of brew and vino.

Game over. Party over. It's a new day and the countdown is on!

Only 8,745 amiable hours remain before the next Cougar/Hitmen confrontation.

Kangaroo Court - Week 10

2009-07-09T13:11:00.006-05:00

From the Chambers of Judge Diddy:

Between beers and bagel dogs, the KC was in session at last night's postgame. (I'll channel our tangential blogger for a moment: we put up a zero on the scoreboard and generally played like canines, so it was only appropriate that we had bagel dogs after the game). So for those who missed it, here were the KC's rulings:

Fortier for $1 for playing for the Hitmen for one inning. Yes, Steve was just helping out some friends and yes, the Hitmen just needed him for an inning, but the Cougars are a team of laws not men and the KC simply cannot abide a Cougar playing for an opposing team. (Unless of course Hitman Steve would've booted every ball that came his way.) Steve indicated that he may be fully indemnified by the Hitmen for this transgression. The KC frankly does not concern itself with who pays the fine as long as the fine is paid.

Philthy for $1 for fraternizing with Hitwomen when he was supposed to be coaching third base. I suppose we all take some of the blame for this one -- after all, what did we expect would happen when we turned The Mayor of Howard Park loose to coach a base that was so close to other human beings? Some glad-handing, grins and gossip was inevitable. But Philthy took it up a notch and earned another $1 for having the audacity to hope that nobody would call him on his denial that "I did not have verbal relations with those women." Unfortunately for Phil, the smoking gun evidence, the blue dress, if you will, was provided by several Cougars who witnessed said verbal relations. There is no truth to the rumor, however, that an independent prosecutor will be appointed to investigate the good Doctor. The Mayor has paid his debt to society and to the KC.

Danielsen for $1 for failing to run out a pop-up. Jeff apparently believed that he would be called out on account of the infield fly rule, but because there was only a runner on first base, the infield fly rule was not applicable. So if Keefe had taken a chance and dropped the pop-up, they could've turned the double play. (Captain Cougar is on the phone with the league commissioner at this very moment trying to get 15 copies of the official rule book. Oxer, among others, needs a refresher course.)

Trout for $1 for missing the game and postgame. While we are sure that Trouter would've made it if he could, the KC wanted him to know that he was missed. The KC shows its feelings in odd ways.

Finally, when the idea for the KC was hatched, we envisioned using it as a way to cut down on the gifts that Joe D abhors. Little did the KC know that it would end up playing the role of Queer Eye for the Cougar Guy. From dickies to stirrups to galoshes, the Cougars deserve their own episode of What Not to Wear. And Lipsey gets $1 for continuing that tradition. Because words cannot accurately describe the enormity of the fanny pack he was sporting, we are fortunate to be able to attach photographic evidence.

The KC stands in recess.

Career Choices

2009-07-08T13:06:00.006-05:00

Given the outcome of last night’s game, I again turned to my lovely daughter this morning and asked her to write the blog. She said, “No way Daddy. You need to take personal responsibility and be accountable for your poor actions and you cannot run from your problems.”

I am glad I wrote her words down so I can use them on her and Charley during their teenage years.

The Cougars have all made smart career path decisions by not choosing to be professional 16-inch softball players. We would all be incredibly poor or extremely unemployed.

I always tell my kids the same thing that we have all heard in the past, “You can be anything you want to be and work in any job you want.” One day, a few years ago, while watching baseball with Miranda, she inquired “Daddy, do these men get paid to do this or is it just for fun?” I said, “They get paid sweetheart.” She pressed on, “Daddy, why didn’t you choose that for a job?” If she was at the game last night she would be very happy with my career choice.

Even in a loss, we always look for nuggets of improvement.

We opened the season last year against Keefe, the defending league champs, and they dropped 17 runs on us before we got the first three outs. This year, we only let up 7 runs in that initial frame.

They beat us up pretty good last night, 18-0, but we demonstrated a bit of progress over the 35 runs they hung on us last year.

Our offense was anemic and our defense was lackluster and we were generally broken-down. If anyone from the DMV happened to be watching the game, we may have been granted placards for premium parking spaces.

We just did not make good decisions in the field or at the plate. It reminds me of the time the Otsuka family went to a celebratory meal at a Mr. Benny’s Steak and Lobster on the south side. Everyone at the table ordered steak or lobster, except Julie, who ordered halibut and was not pleased with her meal at all. I told her there was probably a reason the owners did not call the restaurant Mr. Benny’s Steak and Halibut.

Speaking of food, let’s get to the postgame. The postgame seems to be the highlight every week and last night’s party was definitely not called by the mercy rule.

We headed to my backyard where Otsuka was in charge of drinks and snacks. He went with the team color and we drank green bottles of beer.

As a side note, here is a picture of the ice that was dumped out of the cooler after midnight. The picture was taken at about 8:00 this morning. It is just crazy that in July it is so cold outside that in eight hours ice can’t melt. I am having second thoughts on my hometown.

We have had artichoke dips, sausages, potstickers, pizzas and many other tasty treats at the Cougar postgames.

Last night, Diddy, to go along with the cocktails, brought us bagel wieners and mustard.

These delectable dogs were dipped and consumed quickly.

It’s too bad Charley wasn’t awake for this delicacy. My guess is that the sight of a wiener with a protective covering would have reminded him of the athletic supporter and cup I recently bought him to wear during his sports activities. We ended up having to take it away because he was out in the field constantly thumping his lower midsection yelling out, “Knock knock. Who’s there? Wienie. Wienie who?”

(Tip to aspiring softball bloggers: When you and your team play terribly, make sure you have some somewhat funny or cute stories to divert the reader’s attention from the actual facts of the game.)

The postgame lasted until 12:30am and we proudly finished all the beer.

The Cougars have four regular season games left and, thankfully, no more 9:00pm game times. Now that we have a few earlier games it will be good to get the families out to the field as well as for some postgame action.

Next week is the long awaited matchup against the real softball heroes of Wilmette, the Hitmen. It is a tough matchup for the Cougars because the Hitmen are a good team and close to the top of the leaderboard in our league.

For those in Hitmen Country that are lurking out there, here is my scouting report on your team: oops, wait, my battery is running low, no trash talk or bulletin board material that will turn game week comments into game day heroics.

See you out there!

Cougars Win A Thriller

2009-07-01T14:01:00.008-05:00

The Cougars beat the Chieftons 5-4 in a 7th inning thriller. (Yes, the black words are links).

Each time we get on the floor at Howard Park it may seem that we change appearances or have eccentric behavior but we are always on a victory tour.

Our opponent last night, the Chieftons, are truly Cougar bait no matter which side of the double entendre you are on. They are all 20 years old and we have beat them twice.

In the first inning, the youthful Chieftons had one run in and had an opening to blow the game open. They had men on first and third with one out and the batter hit a ball to short left field. With fancy footwork, Fortier made a catch like he was wearing a sequined glove and threw the ball home to try and peg the tagging runner. The runner beat the throw by a headscratching distance. This prompted Martin, who is the team's Quincy Jones because he makes us all better, to appeal at third base. Runner out – he left early!

Lipsey leads off the Cougar half of the first with a single and advances to second on a ground out. Fortier rips a hit and Lipsey comes in to tie it up.

Let’s take a break here and give a shout out to Fortier. Steve just spent about 10 days on a business trip in India. He landed yesterday afternoon after a 15 hour flight and with his body clock 10.5 hours ahead of us (yes, India is chronometrically out of sync). He ambles into the game and by the end of the first inning he has a great play and an RBI.

In the second inning, with a Chiefton on first and one run already in, the batter blasts the ball to Flannery at shortcenter. Tim, always on the ball, grasps the ball, gracefully slides his right foot over second base and lets the ball fly to Danielsen, who makes a sweet play at first for the double play. Again, we got out of a jam.

In the bottom of the second, Lipinski scored with a violent slide at the plate that knocked the ball out of the catcher’s hands, which tied it up at 2-2.

In the third inning, Julie gets a phone call from her brother, who is on his way and wants a quick recap and a play-by-play while he is driving. You see, Otsuka prioritized a church meeting over a Cougar game. I thought this was a bad move at first but then thought the Cougars could use some religion outside of the Church of Joe D.

While on the phone with Greg, Julie starts speaking in tongues because I found my higher power and nailed a triple over the left fielder’s head that went off the wall.

Each team traded a couple more runs and entering the seventh inning we were all tied at four thanks to Bobis who scored from second base on a sacrifice fly to centerfield.

As easy as A B C we put the Chieftons down 1 2 3 in the top of the seventh inning.

Now it was our turn and we wanted to start something.

With one out, Lipinski singles and Otsuka gets to first on a fielder's choice. Up next is Oxer. He shot a hard grounder to the left side of the infield, danced down the line, the throw was made and he beat it. Otsuka, running just as hard, grooved to third base.

Two outs, men on first and third, bottom of the seventh and an injured McDonnell comes to the batter’s box. It’s as easy as black or white. If Philthy McNasty gets a hit we win, otherwise, we go to overtime.

Phil popped the ball through the infield like a king, ran like his hair was on fire and had a hit single for an award winning performance.

Otsuka moonwalked home for the winning run.

That play made me scream in the dugout and I hugged our team’s injured rock star, Melchiorre, dangerously hard.

We went back to my ranch and celebrated by drinking Hoglund’s beer and eating his snacks.

We also relived the game over and over again. "Remember the time… " was a refrain heard quite often.

At the postgame, we held Kangaroo Court and a few fines were levied for infractions incurred over the last few weeks.

We also discussed the Cougar Wives Club outing held at the Fortier residence last week. The Cougars were all very puzzled that we did not get a solid recap from any of our spouses. We just got general comments like, “It was fun. Everyone is so nice.” Hmm, interesting. Why so secretive? Were they plotting against us like some smooth criminal ?

We wondered if they were feeling cougarlicious and wanted to play with our extremely young opponents? Were they plotting how to get their claws on these boy toys?

This assumption was proven true when Fortier found the following sheet in their recycling bin in his alley under all the bottles of wine.

Yup, our female Cougars seem to be on the prowl and we may need to keep a tight leash on them unless we can get recap of the next event.

The male Cougars always let the spouses know what we did the night before by putting it in print and including pictures. Last night was no exception.

The Cougar postgames are always second to none. We still lead the postgame power rankings.

It is a fact that the Cougar is at the top of the food chain in an ecosystem. A new type of creature exposed itself last night at the Cougar postgame to learn our skills and share its eating habits.

This intriguing beast is called a Hitman.

The Hitman is a species that preys on chicken. Last night, the Hitmen celebrated their victory with the Cougars and shared their kill.

These predators do not speak when they eat; they only grunt. Here are two Hitmen devouring their chicken.

The postgame celebration lasted into the wee morning hours once again and we didn’t stop til we had enough.

Daddy Is Taking The Day Off

2009-06-24T13:08:00.014-05:00

Hi! It’s Miranda :-)

Daddy said he could not write the blog today. He is very upset about the way he played the game last night. He was mumbling something about baserunning. He asked me to write the blog today.

I didn’t want to write it because it seemed like summertime homework. But daddy said I get to use the computer to do it and that it doesn’t count as screen time. If I can keep it short (Daddy always writes too much) and finish it fast (Daddy must have a lot of time at work to write), then maybe I can play online poker.

My daddy also said that I could also use the thesaurus. He is always using that book. He says if he uses big words it makes him look smarter than he really is.

The thesaurus reminds me of one time when I was in second grade and I asked my mommy what a synonym was. That was a hard word for me to say. She must not have understood me because she went to the kitchen cabinet and brought me some cinnamon.

My mommy is so silly.

Another time I told mommy and daddy that we learned about having rough spots in school and that I should tell my parents when I have one. My mommy left the room and brought back some lotion to put on me. Daddy and I wondered what the heck she was doing. I said, “Mommy, I don’t have dry skin. Rough spots are just difficult situations.” Daddy thinks that is so funny and is always bringing it up to mommy. Now whenever something happens that gets me upset, he always asks me if I need lotion.

Sorry for my digression (thesaurus).

We had so much fun at the park last night. There were so many kids even though it was a 9:00pm game and we all got to stay up past our bedtime.

We also got to see Jeff’s daddy, Mr. Bobis. The Cougars call him Coach. He was a guidance counselor at the high school that mommy, daddy, Uncle Marc, Uncle Greg and Jeff attended. He also coached Jeff, Uncle Marc and Uncle Greg in Little League, which is why they are such good Cougars now. Here is a picture of Mr. Bobis and Uncle Marc at a Sox game.

Mr. Bobis tells really great jokes. My favorite last night was when he asked some of the dads, “How many outs are there in an inning.” All the dads said, “Three.” Even I know there are six outs in an inning. That sure seems like something they should know.

Dr. McDonnell played in the game last night even though he has a broken rib and a hematoma (I used the dictionary to learn that it means internal bleeding). I think Mrs. McDonnell will be angry at him for playing. I have a friend on my softball team who has a broken arm and now I think her parents should let her play.

I heard Dr. McDonnell say he should play injured every week. He went 2 for 3 batting and called a great game behind the plate for Mr. Martin, who pitched for the first time this year and struck 5 people out.

I think Dr. McDonnell wanted to play catcher so he would have somebody to talk to during the game. He is always smiling and talking to people. I heard daddy say that he is not sure if Dr. McDonnell is really that happy or if he smiles so much as a marketing strategy.

I only watched the last two innings of the game because it got too dark to play wiffle ball with all the kids. The kids don’t really like watching Cougar games. We just like going to the park to play our own games.

Plus, every week, the dads do the same thing. They get really excited for the game, they make mistakes, they come back to our house, they make fun of each other, they make a lot of noise, and they have lots of drinks and snacks.

I think Charley likes the Cougars. He even made a shirt for the game last night.

Actually, I think he just really likes using Sharpies on his shirts.

Wow, I haven’t even told you about the game yet. My daddy is very tangential (thesaurus) too.

The Cougars played the first place team last night, the Brew-Ha’s. Last year, they lost 16-0 against them.

The game was very very very very close for a few innings and then the Cougars had a chance to score a lot of runs but daddy made a very bad baserunning mistake that ended the inning.

At the postgame the whole team was talking about it. Everyone was giving their version of what they saw and where they were when it happened. Daddy said it was like analyzing the Zapruder film and he felt like JFK (Huh? I don’t even know what this means).

If it was really that bad, I am not sure he should be my coach anymore.

He also said we may not be able to pay our mortgage this month because his Kangaroo Court fine will be a lot of money. From what I heard I think there were a lot of Cougars who will owe fines (even Mr. Oxer who was not even there).

The Cougars lost the game 8-2 last night and know they could have won (they always say that). They said Joe D. is right; the little things are the difference between winning and losing.

After the game everyone came to our backyard. It was past 10:00pm and Charley and I had to go to bed. They were loud and I could hear everyone telling Mr. Trout (who was playing in his first game this season and got a lot of hits and made some good catches) how much they liked the PBR that he brought. I don’t know what PBR means but the dads sure seem to really like it.

I was awake until after midnight because that is when the party ended. Then I went downstairs and saw mommy and daddy watching some goofy man with untamed (thesaurus) red hair making jokes. Daddy was eating potato chips and eating pie right from the pie pan. Eew! Gross!

Ok, I really want to play on the computer now and if I don’t get done soon mommy and daddy might kick me off because they have to check their Facebook page.

I hope you enjoyed my story.

The Four P's

2009-06-17T14:23:00.016-05:00

Rain rain go away
Come again another day

That couplet was heard throughout the streets of Wilmette last night. Parents and children alike were desperately chanting this nursery rhyme to ward off the raindrops. The liquid descending from the sky overpowered the mantra repeated by Cougar Nation so a new one was written.

A tussle was had between Mother Goose and Mother Nature
The latter won and the Cougars got to wager
Joe D. said to continually backup, have a contingency
So the team played poker thanks to Oxer and Lipsey

Oxer, who was pinch hitting in the postgame for a travelling Fortier, was worried about the downpour and the potential impact on the postgame al fresco. He needed advice from a wise man.

He ran across the street to ring the bell of our neighbor, who is a local meteorological television star, in order to obtain the preeminent forecast on the North Shore. The response he received was as circular as the hydrologic cycle, “It should be clear unless it rains.”

Oxer then recollected a night last summer when he quaffed many a lager while talking to a South Side Confucius. Here was a guru that could give him guidance.

He dialed up Nick Bobis, affectionately known as Dad to one Cougar and as Coach to the three other Cougars who all received tutelage from Coach as youngsters in our shared hometown of South Holland.

The Cougars were fortunate to have Coach join the team for a night last year. Nick regaled us with humor, insight, rules to live by and a handful of Chinese proverbs.

His memory was a little hazy, but Oxer said he remembered talking to Coach about going to the bathroom four times and it seeming sagacious.

Oxer was mistaken. They did not discuss kidney functions while he was damaging his liver.

Coach reminded our swift backstop about the genuine Four P’s: Proper Planning Prevents Problems.

This maxim will preclude mustard from ever getting on your shirt (inside joke). Coach ended the call with Cougars’ favorite proverb “Man who walk through turnstyle sideways is going to…wait, wait, wait this is a family blog…sorry, you will have to look it up.

Oxer, adding poker as a fifth P, found quarters for us to bet dollars.

Lipsey, with the family on vacation, offered up his address for a night of high stakes poker and some homonymic conflict.

Homina what? Walnut Avenue is the home of our resident comedian but who knew that the Cougar version of “Who’s on First” was playing at his house last night.

Scene 1: Radtke emails Lipinski to bring chips to poker game.
Scene 2: Lipinski walks in with almonds and peanuts.
Radtke: “Dave, where are the chips?”
Lipinski: “We didn’t have any in the house so I brought nuts.”
Radtke: “How will we bet with nuts?”

The Cougars love snack food so this was an understandable comedic communicative clash.

In a reversal of innings, Martin came out of the bullpen before the game started and provided the save by bringing the tokens. We then all stood for the National Anthem and our poker game was underway.

As the cards were being shuffled, we had an unexpected delay. Peter surprised his guests with a heaping quantity of Chinese dumplings and quickly added a sixth P. Potstickers were all the rage and bookended the nighttime noshing.

Cougars consumed. Delay done. Cards circulated.

Radtke deals the first hand of the night. Lipinski is in big blind for $20, Martin in the small blind for $10. Pre-flop betting starts with Lipsey. He antes the $20. Bobis folds. Melchiorre calls. Oxer folds. Radtke folds. Lipinski throws in $10 more to call.

The flop brings forth two kings and a two. More betting and folding. Only Lipsey and Melchiorre remain.

The turn card is a six of hearts. Betting continues. The river card is a king of hearts.

A quick review of the community cards shows a possible heart flush as well as four of a kind.

Folks, we have a showdown.

Lipsey goes all in. Melchiorre, too nice a guy to bluff, asks, “Are you sure?” Pete says, “I’m sure.” Dave calls Peter’s all-in.

They both flip their cards. Peter hit his heart flush but Dave had the fourth king to take the pot leaving our host to decide to cook up more potstickers or to buy back in.

Normally when people pull quads, they do not feel this good. Dave’s homonymic non-injury is prompting me to digress a bit (A bit? Some would say the Cougar blog is one longwinded tangent).

The Cougar disabled list is not looking pretty.

First, we have Melchiorre. Yesterday he had a tooth pulled in the morning and showed up at the poker game with an icepack on his jaw. He also was at the bone doctor yesterday because he has an unattached ligament in the tip of his marriage verification finger. Today, he is getting sinus surgery to have nasal polyps removed. Even with his body being dissected like a junior high frog, he was ready to pitch last night.

Second, we have Philthy. Our team dentist risks life and limb out on the playing field. You have to remember that this guy makes a living with his hands and he is playing a sport that has produced fingers as crooked as Chicago politics. Last year, Phil was thumped to the dirt with a hip check from a plump first baseman. Last weekend, Dr. McDonnell, took a nasty hit during the McK/Harper soccer match (McK won!) and now has a hematoma (collection of blood) inside his ribcage pressing on his left lung as well as a fractured rib.

Otsuka and I have just returned from a weekend family houseboat trip and are now suffering from sea legs. Our dizziness has our teammates worried that we will run the bases like Jimmy Piersall. Here I will make it easy for the readers. Click below. http://espn.go.com/classic/s/piersalljimadd000817.html

Tangent over. Back on track. Need to end story.

Like typical Cougar Poker, play was slow and interrupted often by music requests and food consumption. Fast forward to the end and we see that Lipinski came in third and Oxer came in second.

Poetically, the son of the sage, Jeff, was the epitome of another Four P’s – Perfect Poker Playing Pays.

Clincher or Bludger?

2009-06-10T17:00:00.010-05:00

The Cougars have two sets of baselines and each presents a paradox.

The first baseline is the unmarked direct line between two contiguous bases, which baserunners are told to round even though the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

The second baseline is our inaugural season, which hovers in our memory like our teenage years. We were anxious for it to occur but relieved when it was over so we wouldn’t be viewed as in the minors anymore.

The old adage, “you can’t manage what you don’t measure” is true even in old man park district softball. Looking at our 2008 benchmark, we would play half a game badly and wind up only playing half a game. This year we still play half a game badly but counter it with 30 minutes of sparkling and brilliant play on the diamond. At this rate, we are setting the bar high for 2010.

On Wednesdays, with a dash of grogginess and a drop of parchedness, I awake between nautical dawn and civil dawn given our equatorial region (don’t bother looking it up – about 4:45am), and immediately brood over mistakes I made hours earlier and punish myself like a house elf wondering if I should trade my Clincher for a Bludger.

As I get upright, downstairs, hydrated and caffeinated, I look south and spot two backyard lawn impressions, approximately 33 feet apart, resembling the letter “R’ in Morse Code (gotta come to the postgame to figure that one out – or just read below). It is at that moment my softball self-loathing ends and my upbeat attitude is revived.

We lost the game 14-7 and we all know we could have made this one a winner. Everyone had at least one great play in the field or at the dish. Also, each of us is licking a wound or two. Mercifully, the postgame is an outstanding salve as we drink the magic tonic and celebrate with family and friends.

Yes, we underscored our foe last night but here at the Cougar Blog we will not forget to underscore the best of the evening.

Oxer beat out an infield single. Are you kidding me? Flannery, the Yogi Berra of the Cougars, said “Oxer picks up speed when he hits his second derivative.” (Non-math majors – do your own Google search).
Flannery, playing short center, was a top assistant for the force-outs at second base, and made life generally easier for those around him. He also lent a helpful hand at the plate and ran the bases like Secretariat.
Bobis and Danielsen both hit triples. If Oxer was running in their place I am pretty sure we would have had a couple of dingers.
Fortier continues to put on a hitting clinic and may wear a Gale Sayers jersey to the next game (inside joke – you should have been at the 7:15am Sunday practice).
Otsuka and Lipsey, as usual, gutted a belly full of leather in the outfield.
Mucinex, on which I am currently overdosing, provides a more productive cough. Lipinski and Danielsen, who must also be overdosing on something, had perfect productive run-scoring outs.
Hoglund, with an outstanding heads up play in the field, bulleted the ball to third base and roped in an advancing runner.
Melchiorre, playing with 9.5 fingers, pitched a stellar game and crushed the ball at the plate.

Last night must have been half price family night at Howard Park because we had the biggest family turnout of the season with over half a dozen moms and twice that in offspring.

The players love the postgame but the kids really, really, really love the postgame. Miranda, Charley and the rest of the Cougar Kids Club have their youngster version of the pub crawl. After having so much fun ignoring their dads at the park, they can’t wait to barhop to the postgame to imbibe in action packed games of freeze tag and then finally go home drunk with joy. Now that the school year is over, I hope to see even more of them running all around the yard. Note to self: Rope off no-kid-zone for postgame Cornhole competition. Note to team: The Radtke/Bobis team is undefeated in bags this year.

Our second year has been a year of firsts. Earlier this season we had our first infant postgamer and last night we had our first canine at the after-hours party. Last night, Kate and the Irish Flannerys brought out their newest Scottish member of the family. Duncan the dog took pleasure in his first jaunt down a playground slide.

Last night was also the unveiling of the toaster oven for the postgame snacks thanks to Lipsey who served up tasty Potbelly.

We are now batting 1.000 with Cougar wives celebrating their birthdays with us each season. Last year, it was Julie and this year Meg celebrated her birth anniversary (hat tip to Coach for the term) with us. Meg was gracious even though we failed to give her gifts because we gave them all to Gulliver’s.

Next week promises another fun filled Tuesday. The Cougars’ team motto is “Play Angry! No Gifts!” Cougar Nation’s motto is “Come for the postgame. Stay for the game.”

Something Suddenly Came Up

2009-06-03T13:15:00.017-05:00

Julie and I were talking the other day about the last time we went out for a date. You know, just the two of us - without kids, friends or family. I said, “Probably during the Bush administration.” “Which one?” was her reply.

So there it was. The Cougar bye week now turned into Cougar date night. And as with every Tuesday, there is a pregame, game and postgame.

Pregame

Arrangements needed to be made right quick.

Call Village Nannies. Check.

Inform children. Check.

Threaten youngest male member of family to have good behavior or else I will make him watch me repeatedly drive over his Nintendo DS until it is crushed into tiny pieces that not even Mario or Luigi could put back together. Check.

Research topics of conversation other than kids, friends, family, work or house projects that need to be completed. Check.

Practice speaking in full sentences because children will not be interrupting every three seconds. Check.

Dig in basement for 1992 original hardcover version of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus in order to remind self not to solve all wife’s problems but rather acknowledge and empathize. Check.

Cancel Cougar practice. To be completed.

There was a worry that the team would be upset because I chose one female Cougar over a pack of male Cougars. Canceling Cougar practice was easier than thought thanks to Greg and Marcia Brady.

My theory is that when in doubt, always use a reliable excuse that has passed the test of time. I simply told the Cougars that practice was canceled because “Something suddenly came up.”

Now, Julie thought that was a silly thing to say, “That’s ridiculous; it doesn’t mean anything,” she said. I explained to her that the line was rock solid and has worked since 1973. She just had a blank stare. “C’mon, you know, Greg told Marcia to say it to get out of a date,” I said. Wife’s eyes still glazed over.

You see, for some strange reason, Julie spent her irreplaceable youth years watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island and she completely missed the boat with the Brady Bunch.

Well, the line worked. The Cougars were placated and Julie agreed that she would watch all Brady Bunch episodes as soon as I drop my lifelong anti sci-fi stance and finally watch Star Wars.

Just then, the doorbell rang just as the final pregame checklist item was inked and with the babysitter's arrival we were on our way to the first pitch.

Game

The babysitter initiation typically lasts 30 minutes. We have the whole routine down to a science. Julie wheeled out our rolling medicine locker and like a skilled tour guide, gave the sitter an adventure right in our kitchen. Babysitters always find the Epi-Pen Trainer tutorial as a highlight of the medicinal voyage. Finally, we were so hungry that we skipped the defibrillator discussion.

There, done, we made it out. Gametime. We were ready to take the field.

Because it felt like we had not been out since 1991, we decided to make the date more interesting by dressing like it was. I went with the Cougar team color and put on a sharp olive green double breasted suit replete with pocket square and slicked back the hair while Julie slid into the sweet black dress and grew a few inches taller by building a wall of hair. For those of you in the McKenzie area, at about 6:00pm, you unknowingly experienced an ozone depletion event from all the Aqua Net transported into the stratosphere.

We had the kids take a picture to record the event.

Julie, as always, looked like a million bucks. Although, she will need that money to pay the fine in Kangaroo Court for not wearing the designated team color. (Full Disclosure - Photo circa 1991)

We got into her vehicular storage unit, um, I mean, Julie’s car. Anxiety was high and the pressure was on because with only two of us we each had a 50/50 shot at winning Cougar of the Week.

While in the car the song Wannabe by the Spice Girls came on the radio. I had never heard this original version and indicated that it sounded like a bad parody of the McK Variety Show opener. Our lyrics and music were much better so we sang our words louder than them.

We arrived at Tapas Gitana in Northfield and were seated promptly. The cheery waitress asked if we would like something to drink. “A pitcher of red sangria, please” was my response. She asked, “Large or small?”

Now we were posed with the first tough managerial decision of the night. I immediately reverted to the goals I set for the team in the preseason. Goal number three – do not get slaughtered. At that point it was easy move, like hitting a ground ball to the right side with less than two outs and a runner on third, so I ordered up the small pitcher.

Conversation at the table was easy and fluid. My prepared conversation topics ranged from fruit at the bottom yogurt (manufacturer mockery is what it is – the container fine print should read – “We saved a step and skipped the stirring part - you do it, schmuck customer!”) to my opinion that writing is like a puzzle (all the words are already in the dictionary and it is just a matter of picking certain ones and placing them in the correct order) to my handicapping of which cousin will accidentally fall into the water without a lifejacket on our houseboat vacation next week (leading the list is Danny who just turned 21 followed by Charley, age 6, and Mallory, age 3) to my disdain for the apostrophe (it just dangles there like a hair dangling from a hotel bathroom ceiling and leaves me wondering how did it get there, why is it there at all and do I have to be the one to remove it).

We laughed about Charley’s latest observations. Recently, while playing a game of family Uno, Charley wanted to know if Spanish people play One! And while on our way to a winery over Spring Break I told the kids that we were going to see how wine is made and Charley replied, “What, are we going see people crying?”

We giggled, because Miranda, based on what she hears on the playground, seems to believe there is an entire framework of swear words. As Miranda said, “Is there a swear for every letter? There is the A word, the B word, there’s no C word (although I am sure she will hear it at some point in her next decade), the D word, the F word.” Julie and I also discussed how Miranda indicated to us the other day that she is working on her poker face for our now daily games of Texas Hold ‘Em. Julie seems a bit unnerved that I have taught our beautiful and innocent firstborn how to play poker. I just said “Don’t worry. Depending on which games the kids played tonight, the babysitter may end up owing us money at the end of the night.”

Dinner is now served. The tapas are continually delivered and described to the table. The review of each food item reminds me of the cashier at the Walgreens on Green Bay who announces and evaluates each purchase as it is scanned. “Oh, Preparation H Extra Strength, this is the best kind. Bazooka bubble gum, it will get your mind off the itch.” And a silent glance at my nostrils when the nose hair clippers are scanned.

The portions are enthusiastically eaten. Rarely does a Cougar blog not describe the devoured rations. We like almost everything but the Calamares A La Plancha are first rate. (Tip: A quick Google search will get you $20 off a $50 order).

On the ride home, I inquired about the babysitter’s transportation. Thank goodness that the babysitter drove. Typically, a high stakes game of rock paper scissors is played to see who brings her home.

Next, we find ourselves digging into our pockets in order to pay the sitter’s bill. Fortunately, we have enough cash and do not have to raid the children’s piggybank (which contains coins, bills and crumpled up IOUs because from time to time we use it as our household ATM machine).

The babysitter gives us a complete account of the evening and the conclusion was that the kids were great teammates even though they never made it onto the field and were relegated to the bench all night.

Postgame

Julie and I recapped our own night and counted the Cougar of the Week ballots. We each got one vote so we just called it a tie and said we both won.

Once the kids were tucked, the coffee was prepared for the morning and the lights were dimmed, we dragged our weary bodies into bed. Julie finished the night by asking, “You’re not going to write a recap of the night, are you?” My response was simply, “ZZZZ.”

Cougars Turn Tuesday Into Friday

2009-05-27T09:38:00.013-05:00

For those that could not make the game last night, here is the timeline of events.

7:38pm
Oxer, driving home from Bikram Yoga, calls and indicates that playing in the rain is not in his contract.

7:50pm
Oxer taunts the Kangaroo Court. Look at him in all his sartorial splendor. Did he not think he was going to be fined for wearing this getup to a softball game? We should double the fine because he accessorized with an umbrella. And look how clean those spikes are! He should have learned from the previous Cougar dress code mistake when Peter felt cocky on opening night and played with his dickey.

7:59pm
With plenty of time before the scheduled opening pitch, the park district folded before the river and decided that the Cougars would not play with muck.

7:59:01pm
Moments after seeing the Howard Park's face down cards, Tim "Binion" Flannery swiftly invited everyone to the Highland Horseshoe Casino fka The Yoga Hut.

8:10pm
Beers flowing.

8:11pm
Cougar query. How many times do you blink in a year? A quick Google iPhone search elicits 5.6 million times. I am not sure where this night is heading - we have only been drinking for one minute. What is Flannery serving, Colt 45? With questions such as this, I am waiting for someone to ask if there is another word for synonym.

8:13pm
Melchiorre gets felt up. Um, I mean he gets the felt up. The table, cards and chips are all ready to go thanks to Dave. Some folks think it is odd that Dave keeps a deck of cards, a poker table and pre-stacked chips in his car at all times. Not me, it sure came in handy last night.

8:15pm
Cougars playing poker.

8:17pm
We leadoff with the first deck of the night. The two-hole hitter and the clean-up hitter have a showdown and are all-in on the first hand. There are 10,240 possible straight combinations in poker and we have 2 of them. What a way to start the night!

8:18pm
Determining rebuy rules.

8:35pm
Philthy is worried about his professional practice. It is not the economic hit he is taking from the decrease in aesthetic cases he is worried about though. He is concerned about one brainless client bringing down the practice. He can't believe anyone could be so dense. We think our good doctor gave his patient too much nitrous oxide and may be run out of town.

8:45pm
Pizza delivered. Our gracious host picks up the tab and feeds the hungry Cougars.

8:46pm
The first slice of the hamburger jalapeno pizza is consumed. In addition to sausage and mustard, the Cougars have now found another treat on which to double down.

9:00pm
Pizza demolished.

9:01pm
Cougars playing poker...again.

9:30pm
Cougar Kangaroo Court query. What do we do with the proceeds? Some votes were placed for a Yoga Hut flat screen TV. Winning vote was to split the money and let our trader teammates invest it. Proceeds will be used to hire a new park distrct softball coordinator.

9:52pm
Many Cougars realize that they have been told to be home from work by 7:00pm Wednesday night. Is this a coincidence or an underground revolt meeting against Cougar Nation. Nope, just the McK Variety Show DVD Release Party.

10:30pm
Cougars playing poker................................still. In poker, slow play typically means sandbagging but the Cougars give it new meaning. This game is taking forever. It may have something to do with the new iPhone app that is all the rage. It is impossible to play Urinal Test and play poker at the same time.

10:31pm
Melchiorre busts out but takes the game over. Slow play is killing him. He is now the official dealer. Constant movement at the table.

10:40pm
Three players remaining. Flannery, Hoglund and Oxer.

10:50pm
Two players remain, each with similar stacks. Hoglund busts out but gets third place prize.

11:05pm
After a series of unsuccessful all-in calls, Flannery epitomizes the meaning of slow play by deceptively trapping Oxer with measured bets while holding the nut hand. Flannery pushes all-in and Oxer, shaking in his rain boots (literally and figuratively), grabs his umbrella for good luck and calls the bet. Even with the rain gear, Oxer is all wet. Flannery wins the night!

11:15pm
Home watching late night TV and thinking about the parallel between the Tonight Show and Cougar Postgame. I realized that following Melchiorre and Flannery in the postgame is like Conan following Carson and Leno. The next game is on the 9th of June and it is a win waiting to happen. A victory would make the next postgame a jackpot.

Postgame Postscript
Thanks to Tim for such a grand night. His hosting abilities are first-rate and everyone had a fantastic time. Even more impressive is that he did it without a helping Hand.

Cougar Power Ranking Second to None

2009-05-20T11:31:00.033-05:00

Yup, I checked the website and its seems we did win last night and we maintained our top ranking.

Wilmette Park District - Postgame Power Rankings

1. Cougars

Win or lose, Cougars always win.

2. Walter Keefe & Son's

Team Orange parties are rumored to be legendary. Opening day loss hurt them in the postgame standings.

3. Grandpa's

A great bar with tasty food and a loaded cd jukebox sponsors their team.

4. Howard Park Hitmen

The Hitmen love British beer and Evanston chicken.

5. Miller Time

Common sense in a bottle.

6. Brew Ha's

Team name is a beer or a fight. Don't mess with them.

7. Emerald Loop

Rookie Wilmette rookie team with light blue jerseys has a longtime Chicago bar with a green logo sponsoring team.

8. Gulliver's

Gulliver's drinks in the dark but can see with their fluorescent jerseys.

9. SLAM

A thrifty group. Uses pintprice.com for postgame planning.

10. D-38 Bombers

Kenilworth team only drinks Vielle Bon Secours beer.

11. Brown Stars

Can't believe Shilby allowed team name. Have you seen urbandictionary.com? Can you imagine what they drink?

12. Maple Avenue Marauders

Having hard time fielding full squad for game. All hope is not lost for postgame.

13. The Chieftains

You have to be 21 to have a postgame.

Sadly, the truth is that we got slaughtered last night. We just can't hit the southpaw pitching. Our only real highlight of the game was a Danielsen to Oxer play at the plate. We now have four weeks in a row that we have made a successful play at the plate.

The postgame party was again of high caliber. Many of us call Melchiorre a Renaissance Man or Wilmette's da Vinci. After last night, he is truly Abe Froman. As proof, take a gander at this lovely spread courtesy of Dave (ahem, Barb) on which we feasted last night.

We had an assortment of beers, chips, and dips. In fact, we had four flavorings for our vittles. Three different mustards and a wasabi mayonnaise. The Melchiorre family bats cleanup for a good reason. The homemade wine was like a good port resting on top of our belly full of grillin'.

In addition to the cuisine we downed by the mouthful and the potion we glugged by the gallon, the night was also highlighted with great dialouge and ball busting (we figured we had to do it at the postgame because we failed to do it during the game).

Topics were varied and we found the best hangover cure thanks to a Dr. and a RN. But there has been one pressing question on the minds of all Cougars for some time and it needed to resolved last night.

Why can't Flannery type?

This is a refined and worldly guy who attends fancy concerts and black tie wine events, dines and visits with Saudi OPEC Ministers and Ambassadors to India and gives us his spot-on analysis on political, financial and economic events (How may other postgames include a discussion about Libor?).

So why can't this gentleman get his qwerty groove going?

Tim insists he can type. But based on the evidence presented below, the Cougars needed answers. Why can't Tim lower and raise one digit for ten keystrokes - eight letters, two spaces and a period? Who is Stephanie Hand? Is she a real person or Tim's online user name? And finally, is she a Cougar?

Tim categorically denied any pseudonym usage and he insisted that he actually can type and by choice has selected to abstain.

Last night, the team learned that many years ago, that Tim, who is not of Islamic faith, issued a fatwa concerning email. Let's just say that Tim's personal Koran would never be in html format.

Tim believes that, in essence, the brilliant traders and quant jocks that dwell on Wall Street and Greenwich, CT, and who stroke their keyboards and ogle their monitors while turning 4 quarters into 5 dimes (shout out to the Smart Shel Silverstein) have no clue how to send an effective email.

Tim is inundated with electronic rubbish and, as a money manager, can't focus on his equity arbitrage, quantitative directional, and systematic diversified trading styles and simultaneously check email, Cougar related or otherwise.

So it turns out that Stephanie cares for all of Tim's email and generally keeps Tim's world in order so that he can be a productive worker, husband, father, coach, and Cougar. She is the brains of the organization and keeps Tim at peace when he is not wearing his yoga pants.

All I know is that if Tim ever wins Cougar of the Week, he is sharing the award with Stephanie.

Cougar Scouting Report - Week 4

2009-05-19T10:48:00.011-05:00

We play Miller Time tonight at 8:00pm and I will be out at the practice field at 7:15pm. Melchiorre is in charge of beer and we are headed to his front porch after the game.

Last year we played Miller Time in our fourth game of the season and we lost 11-0. The game notes indicate that we only had one hit in the entire game and set the record for quickest game on record. Highlights of the game included lofty strikes and good defense. We let up six in the first inning and held them to five over the next four innings.

At the game four mark this year, Miller Time has the same record as the Cougars at 1-2. Each of us has beat the expansion D38 Bombers and each lost to Grandpa's (we lost 11-4, MT lost 12-5).

Miller Time is hungry for a victory and so are the Cougars (well, a victory and some postgame grilled meat).

Like Grandpa's, Miller Time thinks they have an easy one on their hands tonight based on our rookie season. Grandpa's recognized our improvement and their manager was busting his team's chops the entire game to man up out there. Miller Time won't know what was flung at them tonight.

We are going to stick with our shortcenter outfield setup for this game. As those of us who were postgaming in the alley saw, Miller Time has a few batters that can bludgeon the ball. However, we are going to add one twist to our already unconventional strategy. For their big hitters, in addition to our shortcenter out in the grass, we are going to put on the full-court press and place our second baseman out there too - essentially 5 outfielders.

I have a strong opinion that these few big boppers will still try and kill the ball. Certain members of Miller Time will not come out to the field and hit a grounder to second base just because we have nobody there. These strongmen workout all year for a 16 week season and there is no effing way they will hit a weak grounder to get on base when they have bulging muscles that need to be put to use.

Here's the thing. Most people stand square and most teams play the shortcenter in the infield. We are not like most teams. After reading this article, I realize we need to shake up the game a bit more in certain instances.

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2009/05/11/090511fa_fact_gladwell

As it says in the article, David did not beat Goliath in a conventional swordfight, where he would have fallen quickly. Rather, he fought and won with a sling and five stones.

Five outfielders. Five stones.

Play angry! No gifts!

Kangaroo Court - Week 3

2009-05-14T15:38:00.002-05:00

Unoriginal

Nobody ever accused the Court of having the Captain's wit or wisdom, so we'll stick with his theme of the week. As you'll notice, the number of violations this week is drastically reduced as compared to last week. You can attribute this to the Cougars playing a smarter game, the KC being a bit more lenient or a combination of the two. Whatever the reason, the KC is more than happy to have a shorter docket.

Unquestionable

Lipinski is fined $1 for the backwards K. His unknowing attempt to try to sell it as a walk is counterbalanced by his insistence that the pitch was outside. (As Martin pointed out, it was inside.)

Unconscionable

Lipinski gets $1 for not bringing an opener for the beer. The KC was tempted to give the Lip the maximum but showed leniency because he did supply beer. (He narrowly avoided another fine for leaving the postgame early.)

Untimely

Melchiorre and Martin get $.50 for the botched pickoff play. With runners on 1st and 2nd, the pickoff at 2nd is a tough play, especially with an experienced runner who seemed to be baiting us to make a play so he could take 3rd. Apparently Martin made the suggestion and Melchiorre pulled the trigger, so they'll split the $1 fine.

Uncool

Diddy pays $1 for another Metra misadventure.

Unchallenged

Finally, an administrative matter: the Court heard unsubstantiated rumors around Wil-town that there may have been Cougars seeking to appeal previous rulings of the Court. The appeals period for any ruling expires at the end of the following game's postgame. Because no party raised a timely appeal at this week's postgame, the first KC rulings have become final. If anybody would like to further discuss those first rulings, our buddy Elijah is happy to hear you out.

Uncougar

2009-05-13T14:46:00.008-05:00

Uneventful
Unlike most Cougar games, the entire night. We lost 11-4.

Undefeated
Our opponent, Grandpa’s.

Undaunted
After giving up 5 runs in the 1st inning, we came back with two quick runs.

Unbrace
A few dropped balls.

Unsure
The shortcenter position. This has to be one of the most complex questions I have encountered in my life. The 16-inch softball rule of thumb is that the SC plays on the batter’s pull side of second base. Most, if not all, teams play this way. We tried that in the first inning – 5 runs against us. Didn’t work. Second inning, Lipinski moved from his infield SC position to his outfield SC position and we let up a total of 6 runs the rest of the game. This perplexing question of how to use the shortcenter is like electing when to use a regular binder clip versus a large paper clip. In the hierarchy of fastening, it is reasonably easy to decide when to use a staple over a regular paper clip. Staples can puncture a limited quantity of paper and certain things are meant to be eternally affixed. Regular paper clips are essentially temporary staples that can handle a greater quantity of parchment with superior elasticity. Conversely, the attachment load of the binder clip and large paper clip are largely equivalent. Personally, I always reach for the binder clip because of its isosceles triangle properties, which, geometrically, has similarities to a baseball diamond.

Unsightly
Lipinski ‘s concave chest after catching a half dozen line shots with it in the outfield.

Unquote
As in the comment by Diddy last night: Quote “According to Field of Dreams, Shoeless Joe Jackson’s glove is where triples went to die in baseball. In softball, triples die in Lipinski’s chest.” Unquote.

Unreal
Fortier’s Jeter-like toss to Oxer, who made the sweet play at the plate.

Unbroken
The streak of Cougar games in which we have made a successful play at the plate.

Unacceptable
Three double plays against us.

Unprepared
Lipinski. New hard and fast rule for postgame: if you bring beer, bring a bottle opener.

Underpants
Thought the kids would enjoy this one.

Unadvisable
Twice we left the bases loaded.

Unbearable
The umpire’s two horrific calls on the bases.

Unbelievable
The ball Miller Time slammed over the fence into the alley where we were postgaming.

Unburden
We gave our opponents a few extra outs (i.e. gifts).

Unartistic
My over the shoulder catch. If I had been playing a bit deeper or judged the ball better it would have been a run of the mill catch.

Uncommon
Lipsey’s triple.
http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1029927/index.htm

Unactive
Hoglund, our official scorekeeper, while nursing the stress fracture.

Unbridled
Melchiorre scoring from 1st base on Lipsey’s triple. A trip to the sports store for some spikes may put him in the leadoff position.

Unknowing
Our next two opponents. They do not know how much we have improved. Overheard on the other bench from Wolfie, Grandpa’s Captain, “These guys are much better than last year.”

Unpressured
Cougars. We got our bad game out of the way. Bring ‘em on!

Unafraid
Cougars. We proved we can play with the best of them even without our “A” game.

Undeterred
Miller Time gets a little Cougar action next week.

Cougar Scouting Report - Week 3

2009-05-12T14:54:00.002-05:00

We play Grandpa's tonight at 6:45pm and I will be out at the practice field at 6:00pm. Lipinski is in charge of beer and we can head to my place after the game.

Grandpa's is atop the leaderboard with a 2-0 record and they are averaging 9 runs a game this year. They have beaten two of the top teams in the league so far by scores of 6-5 (SLAM) and 12-5 (Miller Time).

Last year, Grandpa's finished up with a 9-4 record and also averaged 9 runs a game.

Beginning with tonight, Grandpa's begins a three game stretch against teams that were either in the bottom of the standings in 2008 (Cougars and Gulliver's) or are a rookie team this year (Marauders). After opening the season with victories over two of the best teams in the league, the entire Grandpa's team is looking at tonight as a welcome relief. I overheard that Grandpa's is looking to play 5 innings and get over to their favorite Glenview watering hole before 8:00pm.

Not so fast. The Cougars have demonstrated that we can play with these guys. We have played two solid games with our runs per game average at 12. We have given up 10.5 runs per game on defense (not bad considering some bizarro play).

Our matchup last year with Grandpa's came on the heels of our big victory over the Beavers. We took Grandpa's a full 7 innings and kept the game close until the 7th. We were behind 10-6 going into the 7th and then they found every hole and pummeled us for 10 runs. We scored one in the bottom of the inning and the final score was 20-7. It was a much closer game than the final score revealed.

It is guaranteed that they do not remember playing us and they definitely have not seen how we have improved (nor do they have a scouting report). We are the home team and are on field 1 (north field). Let's catch them by surprise tonight by holding them scoreless in the first inning and by coming out strong in the bottom of the 1st.

Play angry and no gifts!

P.S. From what I heard a few days ago, it sounds as if we have at least defendant appealing a KC ruling last week (in fact, he may be appealing two violations). There will also be one other accusation for an infraction that happened after the postgame (the accused can call himself out or I will do it for him).

Kangaroo Court - Week 2

2009-05-08T09:26:00.004-05:00

From the Chambers of Judge Diddy

I'll leave the warm and fuzzy report to our Manager and share the results of the first Cougar Kangaroo Court, which was a solemn and sober postgame proceeding befitting the seriousness of the offenses:

Back in South Holland Little League we had a rule that you couldn't go swimming on gameday because you may get tired. Well, the Cougars should have a rule that you can't play another sport on gameday because you may get injured. So Fortier pays $1 for engaging in non-Cougar sports that led to an injury.
Another pregame violation: Lipinski did the Cougars a service with his Google Calendar work. No complaints there. But unfortunately, he sent it from rabbitfufu@gmail.com. Nothing more needs to be said.
Fortier and Lipinski each owe $1 for their collision. Or should I say Lipinski's freight train to Fortier's Wile E. Coyote. I'm just glad we can laugh about it now.
We had an unprecedented (I know it's only the first week of the KC, but still) three infractions on a single play: (i) Bobis and Fortier let a ground ball go between them and then looked at each other; (ii) Lipsey picked up the ball and fired it over Martin's head at third; and (iii) Martin retrieved the ball and fired it home letting the trail runner advance. (Admittedly, it may be a harsh result for Martin but that's the ruling.) $.50 for each violator.
Lipsey gets an additional $1 for two more ill-advised throws to third, neither of which had a chance to get the runner.
Radtke S. fell asleep on second base and failed to tag and advance on a long foul fly out. His excuse: he was trying to figure out how to spell "Cougar" backwards. Excuse denied -- $1 fine.
Danielsen gets $1 for his great throw to the third base coach (who I guess is named Elijah) when we had the big shift on for the lefty pull hitter.
Danielsen also gets another $1 for his sac fly. Now, the KC understands that a sac fly can be a productive play in certain situations and will not issue fines for hitting a sac fly, but Danielsen gets one here not because he hit a sac fly, but because he was trying to hit a sac fly. We already had a lead, had a potential big inning going with a few guys on base and a porous defense in the field and should not be giving up outs, particularly our only legitimate power hitting threat (well, JD and Lipsey I guess).
Trouter gets $1 for hiding in the weeds until the final out. I'm tempted to overturn this on my own because it's possible that it was just the camoflage shorts that made it look like he was hiding in weeds, but we'll let it stand.
Oxer can't escape $1 for the backwards K, and Fortier also gets $1 for the foul out. Like the dickey rule, the strikeout/foulout rule is non-negotiable. For that matter, I'll also assess a belated $1 against Otsuka for my backwards K in week 1.
Oxer also gets $1 for his "Armor All" stirrups/socks. Look closely at the picture of him chugging around the bases and you'll see the evidence. Somehow, those little strips of black sewn on to the white socks outclassed Lipinski's black socks for Cougar Fashion Statement of the Week. So along with Cougar of the Week, two awards for JOx this week.

As a reminder, the fines for the violations shall be paid at the end of the season. You may appeal and the Court's ruling will be overturned for good cause or on account of bribes.

Cougars Win!

2009-05-06T16:07:00.009-05:00

The Cougars won their first game of the season last night, 14-10. We accomplished this feat a full two months earlier than last year. We also came out on top even though we played an all-around better game last week. There was one Cougar who played much better than in the opener (um, he was not feeling well because of his Fire Yoga) but we will get to that in a bit.

I was worried when I heard we were playing a Kenilworth team. Word circulating on the rumor mill is that despite the fact that Forbes recently had K-Town in a three way tie for richest zip code in America, Kenilworthians are fuming that Business Week ranked Wilmette as the seventh best place to raise children in the U.S and 60043 was nowhere to be found.

Those Business Week reporters must have come out to a Cougar game to make this determination because we have massive support. There had to be ten Cougar wives out there (just curious, is Cougar wives a redundant phrase?) and we had enough kids in attendance to start our own Cougar Kids Club. Also, I am not sure if the Hitmen have a Kangaroo Court, but if they do, then the two leaders of the Flynn family should be levied fines for Cougar cheering and postgame attendance.

Well, how did we do it this week? Last week it was our leadoff and two-hole hitters. Tuesday night it was our furry friends in the 10 and 11 spots. Melchiorre and Oxer were the spark of our lineup. Melchiorre had more shots last night than all of last season (this does not include his smooth Cinco de Mayo blue agave tequila during the postgame celebration). And Oxer, well, we will get to him later.

The third inning was our best inning ever played. We kept the line moving, swatted the ball with our metallic lumber, and batted around the order. We scored nine runs in that stretch. In our 2008 campaign, there were series of games where we would not score nine aggregate runs. There was euphoria in Cougar Nation last night. We played our type of game and sprinkled another five runs throughout the game.

Not too long after we scored the jersey number of Roy Hobbs, we somehow landed on the cube shaped planet known as Htrae, otherwise known as Bizarro World. This society is ruled by the Bizarro Code which states, "Us do opposite of all Earthly things!” Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!" On planet Ragouc, our code is “Never call ball! Throw to wrong base! Make mental errors!” This Ragouc code is going to destroy us physically and financially. Evanston Hospital ER does not want your business and Kangaroo Court does not need a bailout package. Let’s stay on Planet Cougar.

Last year, we debuted our Cougar of the Week feature. That honor went to our 11th spot hitter and rainbow pitcher, David Melchiorre. The first honoree for Cougar of the Week in 2009 is a guy who has been desperately wanting that last spot in the lineup. This cat, before last year, never played any type of baseball or softball in his life and now Jeremy Oxer is an all-star.

When assembling the team, I thought it would be neighborly to ask the new Spencer Avenue resident to be on the team. I rang the bell and answering the door was one wife, two kids, two grandparents and one dog but no Jeremy; he was still on his way home from work. I introduced myself and said that I would like to know if the man of the house would like to play softball with my new team. In unison, their responses of “Jeremy???” were filling my ears with quizzical sing-songy voices. I am not sure if their questioning was based on the word softball or the word man. After I offered tissues to wipe their shared tears of laughter, I believe it was Heather that said, “Yes, he will play softball.” Just then, Jeremy walked in the front door. The dog was barking, the kids were jumping, the grandparents were talking, the wife was beaming and the new player found the situation frightening.

Who knew that we had quite a catch on our hands? Finding Jeremy for the Cougars is like going to the depths of Latin America to find that one ballplayer than you can sign for a low salary but will bring the best out of the whole team. His only contract demands were a few adult beverages after the game, and, well, he really did not want to play that often.

Now fast forward just a bit past the 365 day mark. J.Ox had the most stunning and dazzling game of his career. At the dish he went 3-4 and this does not even count any times getting on base with a fielder’s choice (see, last year before a spin through the rule book, our man counted those as singles in his batting average). He darted around the bases like a kid racing for the ice cream truck and was determined that nothing would stop him. In the picture below, Jeremy exhibits his grit on the basepaths. On defense, he called a solid game for his batterymate and made a defensive play at the plate that brings into question the “best play of the year” award that was handed out last week.

It does not stop there, as all Cougar games have three ingredients: pregame, game and postgame. J.Ox starred in all three. Following a successful consultative meeting with Lipsey in the previous week, in which Oxer got a radio shout out, Jeremy reviewed jokes for Peter’s weekly spot on the radio (every week on 820AM at 9:30am). We have found the new Abbott and Costello. At the postgame, Oxer termed the Danielsen throw to an empty third base, as “throwing it to Elijah” (opportunity here for the Christian folk to do some Seder research). Also, I see an Oxer as a weekly donor to the Kangaroo court for his gameday hot yoga classes or his outdated wardrobe (c’mon, Swisher is on the Yanks now).

With just a click of a mouse you can bookmark this site and enjoy a little Jeremy day or night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9LjvJ5QxYE&feature=channel_page

The Cougars love J.Ox!

Other game notes:

We found out that Peter can play just as well without a dickey.
Lipinski starts his game with a swing and miss on a ball that was a good yard over his head and then proceeds to knock every other pitch (and teammates) all over the field every other chance he had. I think he is juicing.
Fortier gets big props for a solid game as well as purposely scheduling a late flight in order to make the game. Will they let you through ORD security with a dirty Cougar green t-shirt?
Flannery may get a fine for missing the game because he was meeting with an OPEC minister.
Philthy was injured during the game but toughed out an excellent game while gingering circling the bases.
Has Martin made an out yet this year? By the way, we need to set a fine amount for getting kicked out of the game for arguing with the umpire. Maybe Jeff should prepay this.
Our trusty leftfielder, Greg “Diddy” Otsuka, followed his backwards somersault act from last week by catching a sinking line drive with his teeth. I think he is trying to help Philthy’s business.
Bobis had another game of solid play and made the most important play of the game at second base – the 21st out.
Danielsen will be featured in the Kangaroo Court. It was great to have Jeff bring the youngest member (just over 5 weeks old) of the CKC out to the postgame.
We may need a separate email for the disabled list. Keep me updated on the injuries. Philthy and Hogs – give those quads and hammies some rest.
Trouter pulled a Little Rads and showed up to watch the game, or should I say postgame. These two can’t make too many games because of family commitments. I think they are each trying to get their own town’s family ranking up in the next poll.

Finally, I need to give a high-five and a slap on the backside to Julie. On Tuesdays, I come home, put the Cougar gear on, set the lineup and head out to the fields. Magically, Cougar food is always there for the postgame. Well, not magically. Because I always forget, she takes care of us. I do nothing for the postgames other than tell everyone to come on over and party. Last week her artichoke dip was devoured in seconds and this week the Mexican food celebration was top-notch. She puts the Cougar in Cougar postgame. I also have a feeling she will end up in Kangaroo Court for a non-food related event (spouses and friends are not exempt).

We could not have made it this far without the wisdom of Joe D. Yes, I am the manager, but I am merely a community organizer aspiring to a greater calling someday. Joe D. focused the team and gave us the framework for self coaching, which we implemented last night. The schedule has been busy lately for all of us (in fact, Joe D. recently became the owner of a new son-in-law) and we will get him out here again soon.

We have a tough three game stretch around the corner, starting with Grandpa's next week, followed by what will be a much needed bye week.

Great victory!

Cougars vs. D-38 Bombers

2009-05-06T10:02:00.005-05:00

Tonight's game is at 6:45pm and I plan to grab a practice field at 6:00pm. Don't let the fact that we are playing a new team get you overconfident. I was not able to scout their game last week but I did do some sleuthing over the last few days.

Last week, the Bombers scored 7 runs in a losing effort against Miller Time, which was their first game ever. Last year, Miller Time, one of the best teams in the league, slaughtered us by pitching a shutout. So the fact that a rookie team scored so many runs is impressive. According to my two sources, Trouter and the umpire for the MT/Bomber game, the Bombers have not played together before but the team is made up of a number of good athletes. With their ability, they will have a quick learning curve especially after last week's lesson.

Lastly, the reason Trouter knows some of these guys is because a few of them live about 1 mile north of us in a place he affectionately calls K-Town. Trouter can't make the game tonight because he is coaching his daughter's Trevian team but hopes to celebrate a Wilbilly victory over his fellow neighbors after the game. Let's send them back to the practice fields at Sears School.

PS: I have attached a picture of Trouter in case any Cougars do not remember what he looks like and you see a strange man walking around the postgame. It was taken a while ago but like a good teammate he is wearing a Cougar green half shirt.

Kangaroo Court

2009-04-30T15:14:00.002-05:00

From the Desk of Judge Diddy

I'll take suggestions but here's how I envision the Kangaroo Court working: on game days I'll try to keep track of potential violations and will happily accept other Cougars reporting of any infractions. Then at the postgame, the chargeable infractions from that game will be announced, along with the corresponding fine. We'll keep track of everyone's running totals and at the end of the year, everyone will pay up and we'll use the proceeds for a postgame party or some other worthy cause.

The point of this is to remind everyone to focus on the little things that turn losses into wins (and vice versa) and to have a good time. So, for example, if the KC was in session for week 1, the following would have been potential violations:

Lipsey's aforementioned yellow dickey. The KC won't have too many hard and fast rules, but here's one: you wear a dickey, you get a fine.
Otsuka's and Hoglund's strikeouts. A strikeout or a foulout will usually result in a violation, and a backwards K always will. In our defense, it was windy, the lights were bright and the ump was blind. But in the end, we probably would plead no contest and accept our sentence.
Lipinski and Bobis not calling a popup that dropped between them. A dropped flyball is a physical error that probably won't result in a fine, but not calling it is a mental error that is easily correctable.
Radtke's throw after he made an over-the-shoulder catch (or as we call that catch, "pulling a Fortier"). He made a great catch, got fired up and turned and made an ill-advised attempt to double off a runner. Someone on the Cougars, the Manager, perhaps, has been harping on us since the beginning of last season to not throw the ball around trying to make plays that aren't there. On the final verdict, though, he probably would've escaped penalty because the runners weren't able to advance, but such a lapse is grounds for a fine.
McNasty's failure to score from third. I think this one probably escapes a fine because I don't remember it being quite egregious enough to warrant action by the KC, but I could have been convinced otherwise by Martin, who likely will be the KC's Patrick Fitzgerald to McNasty's Scooter Libby.
Rads' use of "stochastic" and "regression to the mean" in the recap. I'm reluctant to impose any penalty based on the recaps, which, sadly, are the highlight of my Wednesdays. But there's a line you do not cross, and "stochastic" comes awfully close to that line.

As you can see, the Court is not out to punish a Cougar for physical errors or mistakes, which are inevitable, but it will exact swift justice on a Cougar who has a mental or (even worse) a sartorial lapse. The Court also expressly reserves the right to (i) issue fines based on pregame conduct (eg, excessive fraternization with the opposing team -- McNasty and Oxer, I'm looking at you), postgame conduct (eg, taking the field for another team will result in the maximum penalty) or even conduct having nothing to do with a game (eg, scratching a fellow Cougar's floors or wife at a Cougar Poker Night), (ii) create and enforce rules ex post facto and (iii) hear and decide an appeal, which must be made orally and within the same postgame in which the penalty is assessed.

Kangaroo Court is now in session. God save this Court and God save the Cougars.

Judge Diddy

"You really improved from last year."

2009-04-29T16:05:00.005-05:00

"Wow, you have a lot of work to do to get better!"
- Miranda Radtke, upon hearing the final score from the 2008 opener

"You really improved from last year."
- Miranda Radtke, upon hearing the final score from the 2009 opener

She is right; we have improved. We made a valiant effort but lost the game 11-10 in an extra frame.

We were cellar dwellers for most of last year, so it is impossible for us to do a collective Joe Charboneau imitation in our sophomore season. Our improved performance can be attributed to one of two things. It is either a fundamental improvement or a stochastic chance. For the Cougars, I am going to rack up our better-quality play to devotion and enthusiasm and not a regression to the mean.

In our first game last year, our skulls were jiggling like bobblehead dolls just trying to get out of the first inning. This year we had the first crack at the batter’s box. From the outset, we stepped to the dish, took our licks and hung a crooked number on the Brown Stars for a 2-0 lead. The Lipsey - Martin daily double is the top 1-2 punch in the league. Their ability to scamper around the bases and tally runs has opponents quivering.

The game was a back and forth affair. And like a typical family holiday gathering, we exchanged shots and gifts. We expressed our gratitude for their gifts by circling the bases. We also donated a few runs to them but considering our origins, this was the second best game we have ever played. Even more impressive is that we performed this way during the launch of the season.

We do not have the size and strength to nail the Clincher like the middle of the Brown Stars’ lineup. They sledgehammered the ball with flames trailing to the outfield. We are a station-to-station team. We did a great job of manufacturing runs with solid contact hitting, by advancing runners, taking advantage of errors, and alert baserunning. We still have work to do because the LOB category in our box score was too high.

Those members of Cougar Nation not in attendance missed what could be the greatest play of the year. The Brown Stars had a runner on first base and their batter smoked a shot to right center field. Philthy McNasty tracked it down and armed a throw to directly to the cut-off man Bobis. Bobis crow hopped and missled the ball to the bull's eye on Flannery's chest. At the plate, Flannery had one eye on the 16” sphere arriving from the right and the other eye on the 200lb sprinter hauling from the left. Flannery snared the ball from the air as the runner slid and he deftly applied the tag for the out. My entire family knows that my favorite play in baseball is the play at the plate. If I had to fill out a comment card after the game, it simply would have read, “Terrific!”

As you know, a few weeks ago I set three goals for the team: win six games, score at least eight runs a game and not get slaughtered. Insert Meatloaf song title here (you figure it out).

Speaking of getting slaughtered, a quick look at the results from last night’s contests show that all expansion teams got beat up with a collective score of 81-7. In fact, the Maple Street Marauders lost 40-0 to the Hitmen. In our first game, we lost only 35-1 and it was to Keefe, the league champions. I know it is not right to take delight in others plight, but wow, what a night.

We play one of those expansion teams next week. I was a bit let down that we did not come out on top last night but will be distraught if we do not destroy the D38-Bombers.

Kangaroo Court
The kangaroo court is a new weekly postgame feature. A kangaroo court in baseball is set up to punish players for errors and other mistakes on the field, as well as for being late for a game/practice, not wearing proper attire, or having a messy locker in the clubhouse. Fines are determined and allotted by the judge and at the end of the year, the money collected is put towards a team party. We will focus mainly on non-playmaking violations, unless the error is so egregious we can not ignore it (such as my overthrow to Lake MIchigan last year). For our kangaroo court, I have nominated our sole attorney on the team, Greg, or as he will now be known, Judge Diddy.

Well, one week down and we have had our first team infraction. The guilty party was not present when he was called out so we will put him in front of the judge next week. Please note that even if the defendant did get on base almost every at-bat, it does not offset the alleged crime.

Plaintiff: Cougars
Defendant: Lipsey
Crime: Not wearing any external green clothing and for his yellow dickey.

Next Week
The game is Tuesday at 6:45pm. Beer is on Martin and there was talk of a postgame poker game. Unless it is warm, we will need indoor accommodations – all volunteer hosts will be considered. I think this softball team is turning into a poker club. Please note that league rules dictate that I post this link.
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/

So far, I have Trout, Radtke M., and Flannery as out. Let me know if you are in or out.

Housekeeping
Full schedule and week one results are now up and running on the park district site. The good news is that we are tied with Keefe.
http://www.wilmettepark.org/sports/league_details.cfm?lsportid=3&lLeagueId=135

Opening Day

2009-04-28T17:14:00.000-05:00

Hall of Fame pitcher Early Wynn, who played for the White Sox, once said, "An opener is not like any other game. There's that little extra excitement, a faster beating of the heart. You have that anxiety to get off to a good start, for yourself and for the team. You know that when you win the first one, you can't lose 'em all."

Cougar season has finally arrived! We play the Brown Stars at 9:00pm on field 2, which is the south diamond. We are the visiting team so we can get our second season off to a thrilling start without delay.I plan to get to the park just after 8:00pm to briefly scout the games. By 8:15, we can each take half a dozen quick swings before we hit darkness on the lower fields.

We are not rookies anymore. Let's use everything we learned from our first campaign. Play angry and no gifts!

Play Ball!

Cougar Coursework

2009-03-13T10:29:00.000-05:00

With Spring Break ahead of us and our first practice scheduled, weather permitting, for the first weekend in April, it is a good time to pass out some homework in preparation for the upcoming season. It is important to note that a failing grade will impact your status on the team.

Spring Break Syllabus

Math
Science
English
Physical Education
Art
Extra Credit

I. MATH

Using your knowledge of last season as well as the attached spreadsheet as reference, please answer the following questions.

The Misfit Beavers played the Dead Cougars two times last year and in each game the Misfit Beavers scored 12 runs. In one of those games we won and in the other we lost. What did the Dead Cougars do to win the one game?
The Dead Cougars played an average game time of 30 minutes. Our postgame parties lasted an average of 2 hours. This equates to a postgame to game time ratio of 4:1. Keeping the postgame time as the constant, what can the we do in order to decrease this ratio?
The Dead Cougars averaged 1.75 at-bats per person each game. Name two things the we can do in order to increase the per person at-bats each game.
The attached spreadsheet is an analysis of all 70 games recorded on Tuesday nights for the men's league at Howard Park in 2008. Based on this data set, in order to win 82% of games, how many runs would a team need to score in a game?
Does our team need to score more runs or less runs in 2009?

II. SCIENCE

Using this website, http://home.ptd.net/~bobf/research.htm, as reference, please answer the following questions.

Define the following:

Kinetic Energy Equation
CU-31, C-405, 7046
Ball Departure Speed

Even after the Joe D. instructional session, why did most Cougars continue to use a 28oz bat? Please note bullet number one under Bats in the following link. http://deadcougars.blogspot.com/2008/06/thats-why-old-guys-beat-younger-teams.html
How many bats with a weight equal to or greater than 32oz. did your captain purchase in the offseason? The over/under is 4. (Hint: Always take the over with me).
What is the heaviest bat the team now possesses? (Hint: It is 10oz heavier than the bat the team primarily used in 2008).
Are Stan Natonek and I now friends? (Hint: We now have two of the greatest baseball names, Joe D. and Stan the Man, as team consultants).

III. ENGLISH

Using the first portion of the following article as a tool, please answer the following question.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/10/24/AR2008102403402.html

What will the Dead Cougars team name be in 2009?

IV. PHYSICAL EDUCATION

Although the degree to which these questions can be answered may vary, the answers themselves should be unanimous.

Will team members be hanging their tongues because no air can be found their lungs?
Will the team have fleet in their feet?
Will fans say whoa! when they see us throw?
When the other team sees us pitch, will they call my wife a _____?

V. ART

True or False: The team may use an outside vendor as an alternative to the well designed and colorful park district jerseys.

VI. EXTRA CREDIT

Please read the article in the first link as well as the last bullet point in the second link.

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/bbw/2002-04-03/special-kangaroo.htm

http://deadcougars.blogspot.com/2008/06/thats-why-old-guys-beat-younger-teams.html

Start submitting your suggestions and saving your cash.

Tuesday Night Lineup

2009-02-02T10:43:00.002-06:00

For years, I believed the best Tuesday night lineup was in 1978 on ABC. You had Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley and Three's Company commanding quite an audience. Sprinkle a little Mork and Mindy and Starsky and Hutch and you had yourself an all-star team (1).

Last year that all changed. The Tuesday night lineup for the Cougars started slow in the ratings but we were never at risk for being canceled. Our audience increased each week and cast parties were at the top of the Nielsen ratings. In fact, the ratings for the Flannery Finale were of Super Bowl caliber.

It is never too early to start thinking Cougar softball. It was nine months ago last night that we lost our first game of our inaugural season, 35-1. I was not a math major but I do keep an HP 12C and a 12 key adding machine on my desk and all my calculations show that we are just three months away from opening day.

The purpose of this email is twofold. First, please send me an email letting me know if you are in or out for the 2009 Cougar campaign. Second, if you are in, mark your calendars for April 11th, 18th and 19th, which are all potential dates for our first practice.

(1)
Ideal Tuesday Night 16" Lineup in 1978

Chachi - CF (Chachi had wheels)
Fonzie - SS (If he can jump a shark with a leather jacket, he can play SS)
Hutch - RF (He would have gunned down that 400 lb first baseman on the Beavers)
Richie - 3B (I would not let him shoot the game winning free throw but would have him at the hot corner)
Potsie - LF (Potsie was not as clumsy as you would think)
Lenny - C (He drives a beer truck - how can you go wrong)
Sqiggy - 2B (Very annoying teammate but also works on the beer truck)
Carmine - P (A dancer - fancy footwork on the mound)
Jack Tripper - EH (Those klutzy moves were not fake - no fielding for him)
Starsky - 1B (With Starsky, Fonzie Squiggy, we will have 3 leather jackets in the field)
Mork - SC - (A diamond in the rough)

Mr. Furley - Manager
Al - 1B coach
Mr. C - 3B coach
Huggy Bear - Fan (It was never proven that he was a pimp but he seems like a good time)
Pinky and Leather Tuscadero - Fans (Cougars need Cougars)

A Great Season

2008-08-06T00:35:00.002-05:00

We lost our last game of the season. The consolation is that every team but one loses their last game of the season.

Once again the beer, food, bags and company at the postgame were exceptional. Rumor has it that we played like the Black Sox to get there as soon as possible. Fact has it that we did not want the night to end and a few Cougars brought the party into the next day. You don't need to attend B school to know that the graph of Cougar productivity on Wednesday has an inverse relationship to the Cougar postgame party on Tuesday.

Our postgames have come a long way from that first night. That night there were no snacks, bags, chairs, wives, or kids. Nope, we were just shivering on my front lawn in 40 degree weather drinking ice cold beer analyzing what exactly we signed up for in this league. It was about midseason when the snacks, families, friends and Joe D. showed up, which is about the time we made a Spinal Tap move and turned our dial to 11. I appreciate everyone coming through and making Tuesdays into highly attended events for all. It was so great that our fan base grew steadily throughout the year. Our fans spin the Howard Park turnstiles as much as any other team.

It was truly a great season. Like I have said a few times, I put this team together primarily for social reasons and had hoped to be somewhat competitive. I never envisioned what we actually accomplished as a team on and off the field. Friendships were forged and strengthened and, oh, by the way, we won 3 games along the way. We also lost enough games to teach our youngsters to count past their 10 fingers. We did not fail though. As Clarence wrote to George in It's A Wonderful Life, "Remember, no man is a failure who has friends."

Right now you are saying, "All right already, enough of the sappiness, just tell me when the next party is." Ok, ok. The Cougar Awards Banquet will be held after Labor Day on a weekend night at Pinstripes for some Cougar competition and camaraderie. All Cougars are invited and the team is invited too. Details and date to follow soon.

Also, there has been talk of a Cougar bag tourney, a Cougar poker game and a Cougar Vegas trip. Sold! I am all-in. In the meantime, if you are having softball withdrawals, you can always relive the season on the web. http://deadcougars.blogspot.com/

The entire Radtke family is sporting the new Cougars hats today. Thanks so very much for the thoughtful gift.

It was a perfect ending to have all 15 of us out there yesterday. Enjoy the team picture. Congratulations to all for such a great season.

"Winning is like, you know, better than losing!"

2008-08-05T12:00:00.003-05:00

"Winning is like, you know, better than losing!"

- Nuke LaLoosh

Take a moment to marvel at the game ball from our first victory and have another look at the recap from that game. It felt great to beat those dastardly Beavers. We will do it again tonight and then go after the Brew-Ha's.

http://deadcougars.blogspot.com/2008/07/any-given-tuesday.html

I will be out there by 6:00pm to warmup for our first game at 6:45. Our second game is at 8:00.

Martin is holding the postgame fiesta (732 Park Avenue) with Trouter supplying the cervezas.

Hoosier Cougars

2008-08-01T12:32:00.003-05:00

Hoosiers may be the best sports movie ever made. It is not a precise comparison but there are a handful of parallels between the Cougars and Hoosiers.

We are all white
Our ball is almost as big as a basketball
Our season also starts out badly with several losses
We have had various Jimmy Chitwood impersonations
Hickory and Wilmette share a love for their respective sports
We are also underdogs
Like the actors, we are all amateurs
Coach Dale was out of the game for many years - I last played in 1991.
Quote from assistant coach Wilbur "Shooter" Flatch: "I know everything there is to know about the greatest game ever invented."
Blog quote from swing coach Joe D.: "The best form of baseball ever devised is the Chicago 16-inch bare handed version."
We can drink like Shooter

Over the weekend, enjoy these outstanding clips.

Regional Finals
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4Lhw4M-GTg

Final Game
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3E3bEH1Ov8

Playoff Thrills

2008-07-31T09:36:00.002-05:00

Joe D. posted the following entry on his blog recently. This story embodies the thrill of playoff softball.

One crazy softball night in 1976.Our Maulers team was in the playoffs for both the Schaumburg and Mt Prospect leagues, and the schedules conflicted. On the first night we were scheduled to play in Mt Prospect at 6pm and 9:30, and also scheduled to play in Schaumburg at 7:30 and 8:30. Rather than forfeit we decided to play it by ear, so if one game was not going well we would just quit and head for the other town.

Our first game was against the Hoskins Chevy Satyrs, a team that had beaten us earlier this year. Our strategy was to avoid any delays, no throwing the ball around between innings, no taking hittable pitches, and somehow we came away with a narrow win, and raced to our cars, and luckily somehow made most of the stoplights, getting to Schaumburg only 4 minutes before forfeit time. No warmups, play ball. The Foxes pounced on us, showing no mercy, and forced us to come from behind with 3 runs in the last inning to tie the score. The game went 10 innings, and we finally won by one run. We then had to choose whether to hang around for the next game or forfeit and head to Mt Prospect. Since it was double elimination we decided to take a forfeit. That gave us a little bit of time for our convoy to get to Mt Prospect, but every red light was excruciating while we watched the clocks tick away towards game time. We once again arrived 4 minutes before forfeit time, no warmups, play ball. Somehow we won another one run game against Scanda House, so incredibly we were still alive in both playoffs.

On the following night we got revenge on the McGaffers who beat us in the first round, to get to the Mt Prospect finals against the Shooters, who we had to beat twice due to the double elimination format, and we did that.

Guess who our opponents were for the Schaumburg finals the following night? It was the Shooters/Scrappers again, and again we beat them twice to win both titles.

We were completely out of energy, but it no longer mattered, the season was over, and the beer never tasted any better.